Considering leaving university with 5 months left

[NicolaH1987]

Hi everyone, I need your advice. I recently had an argument with my mum about a parking ticket that she got for parking somewhere that has clear “do not park here” signs, which my mum claims do. It exist. During the argument she really annoyed my because not only is she incapable of saying that she didn’t see the signs and that she could be in the wrong but then she started to laugh at me when I told her that I have been to this specific car park and have seen the signs prior to her getting the parking ticket. I realise the pettiness of the argument but this sort of thing this is a regular occurance writhing our family, as these arguments happen with my sister and dad also and it is always us who end up apologising, even if she’s wrong, as she says that we show a lack of respect for her by losing our temper with her. I rang my mum on bonfire night (2 days after the argument) as we were due to go to an organised display with my 2 kids and my sister and niece but she refused to come, if she had come this would have all been forgotten and we would’ve moved on, but she didn’t. My dad has now weighed in and demanded I apologise as my mum does a lot for me (she is my childcare when I am at uni or on placement) but this really is the straw that broke the camels back and I believe that the fact that my mum chose to leave her job to care for my children (without being asked) is used as a stick to beat me with and for this reason I am seriously considering leaving university and getting a childcare friendly job so that I am not in this position every few weeks when we have a disagreement. Also following the argument my mum did not speak to my dad for 2 days because she felt he should have stepped in the argument and she therefore chose not to eat for 2 days and ended up in hospital, for which my dad has said that “it’s not your fault but obviously she only did it because of the argument”. Am I really out of order for feeling the way I do or am I right to stand my ground? I am heartbroken to think that almost 4 years of training my go to waste but I cannot carry on like this as she has said many times after an argument that we (me and my sis) only see her as free childcare and we have no respect for her. I love my mum and appreciate all she’s done but I feel like I’m over a barrel and cannot disagree with her because it’s the same routine each time. What would you guys do?

For the sake of a few months I'd do whatever was necessary to keep the peace, it would be a shame to throw away your degree. Can you and your sister cover childcare for each other? Do you get any funding to pay a childminder?

Keep going with Uni.

Could you have a chat with the uni and see if they can help find/fund other childcare arrangements, I know some universities have in the past.

What would I do?

I'd find a childminder and apply to Student Finance England for a childcare grant to pay for it.

My advice to you would be to finish your degree. Don’t drop out now you’ll regret it forever.
If your mum’s being an arse, just smile sweetly and apologise with your fingers crossed. You need the childcare. When you’re qualified, then reassess and look for jobs with more family friendly hours.
But for now, just do whatever you need to get those final months of childcare from your mum.

Don’t give up uni.
Do you have any other options like a uni crèche or after school club?
Arguments like that are such s waste of time and energy. Just accept that your mum is convinced that she could park there and just leave it.

It all sounds horribly frustrating. You have come this far though. Don’t let it be for nothing. It would just be a different stick to beat you with anyway. Instead of “I gave up my job to help you better yourself” you would get “I gave up my job for you and it was all for nothing because you’re a quitter”.
Far better to have the career choices that finishing your degree/training will bring. You will feel more in control the less you have to rely on your mother. A better career should earn you more and help increase your independence. Stick it out. The best revenge is living well.

You will kick yourself forever if you quit. Please don't. You haven't got long left now.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I really don't want to leave uni but even when o finish I'll still need childcare as I'm studying nursing and have a job on a ward which is 7:30am starts so kids would need to stay at my mums. It's the constant merry go round every couple of weeks, it's draining. Just makes me think is it worth it? I've always worked since having my daughter as soon as I found out I was pregnant my mum decided to switch from weekday to weekend work to care for her and this has been the situation since and she now cares for my son and niece as well. But every time there's a disagreement this is always the tip of the iceberg and I constantly feel unable to disagree with her and like I'm on eggshells

It is worth it, it will all be worth it, you can find other childcare but you won't find another 5 months to finish uni.

Look at live out Au pairs or live in if you have the room.

Childminders

Check tax credit for childcare elements and see what your entitled too.

There will be nurseries or childminders who start before 7:30.

Don't drop out now. Grit your teeth and fix things with your mum. Once you've qualified you have options - you could do part time hours, outpatient clinic, agency work. If worst comes to worst you could still quit nursing after you qualify and do something else. If you drop out now you will regret it, do t let your mum ruin things for you when you've come so far and worked so hard.

I'd suck it up for the next 5 months then pay for childcare.
Is their Dad around to help at all?
How old are they?
Can you and your sister share childcare duties / a Nanny?

even when o finish I'll still need childcare as I'm studying nursing and have a job on a ward which is 7:30am starts
But at least you'll be earning.

I assume you have school age kids - so you'll be looking for a childminder who does school drop off. Lots of them will do a 7am start, and it will be a great resource to have for times when your mum can't have them even if you make it up with her.

From a friend who has done a nursing course, there were also some of these shifts while she was studying.

You have done so well to get this far, don't give up just because your mum is being petty. If you have to, find a CM now. You probably won't need many mornings.

Also, if you have older well behaved school aged children, and you have lectures in after school hours or school holidays, then your lecturers may be OK with them sitting in your lecture doing their homework or on a screen with headphones (I know people who have done this with say an 8 year old or a 10 year old - they said the lecturer was fine with it being a one off - so for example in half term where you'll only see each lecturer once a week anyway).

Another one saying don't give up.

Do whatever it takes to keep going. Ask your university if there is any support available.

No, definitely don't quit. Not when you've other options. Get them in the university nursery or a childminder asap and apply to student finance for the childcare grant. In the mean time apply to the university's hardship fund for the cost of childcare until it's processed.

Things will be so much easier when you’re just working 3 long days a week and no essays to do

FINISH UNI. Just do what it takes to keep yr parents on board (then go and scream in a field with frustration!). It will be worth it in the long term. You need to play the long game. As PPs have said, suss out other childcare options too but keep M&D on side for emergencies.

Can you pay for childcare? There are grants available for people studying nursing and for student parents. And what about your child’s father? Can’t he take her sometimes or his parents?

Don't pack in your degree. But were you planning on relying on your mum for childcare indefinitely once you qualified too? Because I don't think that's really fair (or very realistic by the sound of it.)

Hi - I was in a similar situation when I did my A levels as the childcare support I got them wasnt enough to cover the full week and my mum had my son 1-2 days a week. I know how you feel about it being a stick, any disagreement and the offer is rescinded or you're made to feel guilty as they help you out, and it's not fair to live like that. The childcare grant is definitely the way to go - you get 85%. There are childminders who start early and finish late, you could even look into a nanny as long as they are registered. Please don't quit - your degree will be so worth it!

Thanks all, I'm going to stick with it and try and figure things out. It's hard because my kids are school age (almost 10 and 4) and yes my mum would be the primary childcare when I qualify and as I said before this has always been her choice and to her there is no other option. I have never asked her to be the main childcare but my mum has major trust issues and would never have let the kids go to a nursery or childminder and I know that if this was suggested she'd have another issue with that. At the minute we do not receive any tax credits or funding for childcare for the kids and the hospital that my placements are at is 45 mins away so I would need to drop the kids off at about half 6 which I don't think is fair to them. I'm just stressed out with it all and I know that I'm lucky to have my mum doing this for me and without her I wouldn't have been able to go
to uni and this is one thing that I am reminded of very often which makes me feel extremely guilty and unable to really say how I'm feeling.

Don't quit, you'd be throwing far more away than you'll probably ever be able to recover. Put up with your idiot parents. Then run away hard once you've graduated.

It's not your mum's decision what you use for childcare, is it?
It's yours and your DC's father's decision.

My friend is a hospital doctor and she had a long term CM who took her DD from early in the morning to late at night (and occasionally overnights) and the CM was so much part of the family. Out of bed in PJs and in the car, dressed and breakfast at CMs and a chill in front of the TV before school, they will be fine.

OP your eldest is 10 and you've nearly finished Uni so even if you had her VERY young you've got to be 24-25 ish, you're an adult and they're you're children.

You decide who cares for them. Do you live with your parents? I'd look at changing that too

where is their Dad?