Am I a bad parent?

[Mammy7]

I have a 3 year old son (only child) at the minute I feel like a terrible mother! My son just doesn’t seem to take any notice of me when asking to do things like get ready, sleep time, quiet time or anything in general! It’s making me irritated and snappy with him and everyone around me..is this normal? Is it me that has the problem?! Or is this what it is like for other people with toddlers?! I feel like he is going to grow to hate me but he just won’t listen to me at all...help!

things like get ready, sleep time, quiet time or anything in general

Well those are boring things that he probably doesn't want to do and, at 3, it'll be hard to reason with him. He needs to do what you need him to do but you need to try to understand why he just doesn't want to. It'll make it slightly less infuriating for you.

Ages 2-4 are awful. Bloody awful. Lovely at times but generally awful. 3 is the pinnacle of shit. I'm sure you're a fab mum. God speed.

Thanks for your comment it makes me feel slightly better, just feels like I am stuck in a rut ...I understand that a 3 year old won’t want to do those things because they don’t seem fun etc it just starts the day of bad when I have to chase him around first thing in a morning to get ready and then ends the night bad when it gets to a point after 8pm there’s no sign of settling for bed...I’ve tried different things like no tv before bed his tablet off at 7pm, lying in bed until he falls asleep (which can be ages) by that point there is no time for myself on a night time as I have fallen asleep with him because it’s took that long..it’s just crazy at the minute and I feel terrible.

No, this doesn't make you a "bad mum". You are obviously doing your best. It just sounds like you need some extra tactics for helping your DS to follow your instructions.

Could your instructions be clearer? Less "Would you like to get ready now please?" and more "We're going to put our shoes and coats on now, here they are".

You can offer an incentive too such as "When we've tidied away your toys into the basket we can make cupcakes".

Make a point of noticing the occasions he does listen, and reinforce the good behaviour with praise. "Well done! You put your shoes on straight away when I asked you! Here's a happy face sticker and I'm going to tell Granny how good you are at getting ready".

Try putting the tablet off at 5.30 for a few days. Screen light makes your body think it's daytime for longer, and it takes a while for melatonin to build up after that.

You probably won’t believe I do do all of that lol! Then when that doesn’t work I start to get snappy! I know he is still small and still learning, I just need to know I’m not the only one out there that’s going through this. He gets rewarded quite a lot with sweets, cakes, extra cartoon time and in things when he does eventually gets ready, does something good..he has a bit of an attitude only at 3 not sure if being the only child has something to do with that...because he is so used to getting his own way at his grandparents and fathers house. We are doing fun stuff tomorrow so hopefully he will play ball tomorrow!

Fun things **

Stop rewarding with all the cakes sweets and cartoon time. It’s not instant and he won’t make the proper connection.

Make the rewards more instant. Also give him two choices to help with things but make the choices closed. Eg a good choice would be “which PJs tonight?” Or even better, what story once I’ve brushed your teeth.

My DS is 3. You described my life. My patience only extends so far and I feel bad, but I do try. There’s only so many times you can say nicely put your clothes on please before it really starts to annoy you and you end up snapping. And it’s all day, every day. From what I can tell from my friends it’s normal behavior and they grow out of it eventually.

I find having a reward rather than a punishment works better to motivate. Mostly it’s small stuff like if you get your clothes on in time you can put your clothes in the basket or give the cat her treat. Kind of make it super enthusiastic about this tiny thing so there’s no time to argue. Also just routine. If they know what to expect then they don’t fight it so much. And like a PP said. A choice, but it’s not really a choice - blue T-shirt or red. And if you don’t hurry up then I choose (which is devastating) That usually works! Of course I also bribe with sweets and screen time, I just try not to

Thanks for your comment Catherine it puts me at ease that I am not the only one out there, I was starting to think that there was something wrong with me and that I wasn’t cut out to be a Mam. We are off to see the new grinch movie today which is something good for him so see how he reacts when we are trying to get ready and then afterwards once the film is done..because his tiny little attitude normally kicks in once we have done the fun thing lol!!

Have you ever read How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen? It’s got some great suggestions for these sorts of situations e.g. for getting ready, pretend the clothes are monsters that want to eat his arms, legs etc

Whenever you think you're a bad mum, ask yourself these questions:
Is he fed?
Is he safe?
Is he loved?
Is he wanted?

If the answer to those is yes, you're a great mum. Even more so if the answer is yes through the trying times.. lol.

Personally, I'd I don't back your expectations, for lack of a better word.
Don't ask him to put his shoes on, ask him to it whilst you do it. Once he's sat you can ask if he wants to try, if he doesn't, don't stress.
Same with other clothes too, be ready to do it yourself, but ask if he wants to try.

Stop rewarding expected behaviour too. Sounds harsh, but reward should be for when they do something special. Sitting still, getting dressed, having a bath etc, that's expected behaviour. If he fails expected behaviour, remove toys he likes.
"Do this, or no tablet for the rest of the day"
You don't want to teach him that not doing something leads to you promising treats, he needs to learn that not doing something leads to negative outcomes. If that makes sense. Lol

Riotlady that’s sounds good! I might have a look on amazon for that

You've described my life too
I give options and we've had some success

Do you want to wear this jumper or that one?
Shoes or trainers?
Go to bed now or in 5 minutes

I think it makes him feel he has some control but is still doing what I need

Yeah I get what your daylong klutzy

Saying*