Shared Parental Leave

[undomesticgodde55]

Me and my partner are TTC baby #1, and are both keen to share the parental leave. We both have full time careers and I would eventually love to be a stay at home parent.

Currently I will take the first 3 months off and he will then take the next 6 months parental leave. We have a few reasons why we want to share, he has much better parental benefits with his work meaning financially we would be a lot better off. Also because I am so keen to be a stay at home parent I really want him to understand what it is like to stay at home with a child, and I also want to know what it is like working full time and coming home to a child (bit of role reversal so we can both appreciate what the other is going through).

I was just wondering what others experiences of shared parental leave have been, good? Bad? Did anything not go to plan and how did your employers take the news?

Sorry, I don't understand. Why would you go back after 3 months if you are going to be a sahm. This means not working doesn't it?

Also because I am so keen to be a stay at home parent

Is he happy for that too and to be the sole earner? It should be a joint decision not one that is yours alone.

When I told mine I wanted to be a sahm he was completely behind it and in 30 years has never complained about me not working outside the home.
I think he secretly liked me being there.
Maybe the reason we ended up with 3 dc too.

@SillySallySingsSongs my contract states that if I take any maternity leave I have to go back for a minimum of 3 months - so we decided that it was best for me to go back to work and for him to take the parental leave while I do "payback".

@RomanyRoots yes my partner is really keen to share the parental leave as well. I think he would be really disappointed if he couldn't take any time off with the baby

@RomanyRoots we have also talked about finances and him being a sole earner too, if circumstances change obviously our plans will change and I can go back to work part time if needs be.

Several words of warning here.
Firstly, you will have a barrage of women telling you that you need to keep some financial independence.
Tbh, I never thought of this, was no Mnet back then, but thank God we are still together, because had we split it would have been so hard to start working again.
Don't forget after years out of work you will be back at the bottom again.
Maybe min wage, rather than a career wage.

Wild horses wouldn't have stopped me OP, so not trying to put you off, but those who shout about financial independence have a good point.
Not being married is definitely a huge risk if you are a sahm and you split.

@RomanyRoots thanks for the advice definitely a few things to consider there (which is why I started the thread 😊) how long have you been a stay at home parent for?

On the way you plan to split it - that will mean that you probably mixed feed or totally stop breastfeeding from 3 months. Also if you have an unplanned cesarean section or any birth injuries you may not have long in full health before going back to work. It can be 6 weeks after a cesarean section before you're properly, independently up and about and feeling "normal" - if you had similar abdominal surgery youd be signed off for 6 weeks purely to recover. Essentially you have 6 weeks to recover (whilst caring for a baby) then just 6 weeks real maternity leave.

If you're planning to exclusively breastfed for as ling as possible I'd split the leave 50/50 not 33/66 to him, so you can at least breastfeed for 4.5 or 6 months (I thought leave was a year now?).

Yes do also think about protecting yourself if you split up before resigning.

If you really want to share parenting fully why not both go part time?

My husband and I did 6 months each for DC1 (me first, then him). Our reasons were a little different - we both want to maintain our careers long term and from my perspective it only seemed fair that both of us take a "hit" of some time away from the office.

We found it really worked for us, it set us up to be much more equitable about childcare going forward as it wasn't the case that only I knew how to soothe baby / pack changing bag / etc etc. From a dad's perspective there really is no substitution for actually being 100% responsible for a baby all day.

The SPL legislation has a lot of potential to drive more equality in the work place... if both mums AND dads went on leave there would be less discrimination against women in hiring and performance processes... but for this to happen people need to use it, and the more that do, the more of a norm it will become. As for our employers, they may not have been thrilled to hear we needed to be out of the office for 6 months, but honestly that's a moot point as legally they have to consider the request and allow it within reason.

What I would say about the timing is that I found being a first time mum a bit of a crazy whirlwind shit show and things really calmed down for me at 12 weeks when I got more into the swing of things. Honestly I don't think I'd have been mentally or emotionally ready to go back to the office at 3 months (and I love my job). I found I really enjoyed the second half of my leave much more, so I'd consider taking longer off yourself before your partner takes over.

I also think you are very vulnerable not married . Is your name on mortgage. I know at this point you are not thinking of splitting up but it happens . I have read too many stories on mn where people didn’t think it would happen to them.

Not working will affect your pension.

If your not working how will money be accessed .

These are things to consider

30 years, OP.
Although, I have started the odd job and given it up. Nothing compares to my past career, it was my life really before we had dc.

This is why I say be cautious, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
If I had to work outside the home, for an employer now, I'm looking at min wage jobs, and being treated like shit. I have a 2.1 Hons Degree, Exec Diploma from CMI and certs from CIM (a nightmare for dyslexics) and a PgCE.
Nothing was worth me being away from my dc, but as you can see I studied a lot, and helped dh in the business when kids got older and needed us less.

I was so lucky, and knowing what I do now would never advise anybody do it unless they were married and they had something for their future in case. Maybe some sort of cpd or courses to keep your knowledge up to date, if you decide to go for it.

@Noneedtocry thank you so much for that post, just the sort of advice I was hoping for 👍🏻 so happy it worked out for you both, and totally agree - hopefully it will become the more the norm as time goes on

@RomanyRoots thank you for your advice, I am currently studying a BSC (Hons) which will finish long before any child arrives - this will give me a bit more leverage with job applications in my field. My work also offers bank contracts so I can keep my foot in the game which I have also discussed with my partner and is a sensible option, can work on his days off etc. And also keep my pension going and save for little extras like holidays.

I've had a 13 year career and feel now is a good time for a career break. There are lots of return to work courses available so I can go back depending how much time I take off, so there are definitely options available in the future to return to work if I want to or have to.

See, I told you that you had a good head on your shoulders.

I was a small business owner but paramount to the business iyswim. me and dh worked in the same industry, so through him and the business I've managed to keep up to date with the huge changes just in a few years.
Once again, very lucky position ito self employment, but not for an employer.
I'm doing far more in the business now as 2 are grown up, only dd 14 still at home.

@RomanyRoots ah that's great it all worked out for you, and that your still in the game while being a sah parent.

How do you find staying at home? How did you find staying at home when the DC's were younger?

With DS1 we split it nearly 50/50. I'm glad we did because I do think it sets you up well as a family where everyone does everything. However, I was very jealous of NCT friends who took the full year. With DS2 we did 10 months me/2 months DH.

At 3 months I was a leaky, sleep deprived mess and couldn't have possibly gone back to work and functioned

at 7-8 months i was panicking about going back

at 10 months i was bored, broke and itching to get back to the office. I was extremely happy to hand over dc to my partner for his two month shared parental leave.

its all very personal and depends a lot on how difficult your birth/recovery was how well your baby sleeps and their temperament.it's so hard to know until you get to know them!

btw..shared parental leave is AMAZING as it really does help to set you up for a more equal partnership in the future beyond maternity leave. I feel so lucky to have a partner who 'gets it' - i noticed a complete shift in him after his time with dc.

@bmachine and @bluechameleon thanks for your input. I showed my partner the replies and maybe we are a bit too ambitious with me only taking 3 months off - we can have up to 12 months off so we can easily do 50/50 6 months each.

I also totally agree I think shared parental leave is an amazing idea to let dads take full responsibility and be more involved. I'm so glad my OH is on board and is keen to do it as well.

OP, I like my own company I can't lie, so when dh was out working I made the most of it. Yes, with little ones there's never a dull moment but I made them my job iyswim.
I don't believe in childcare, and think a child who has two parents shouldn't need it. There are so many different ways of working these days and employers are far more flexible.
That's just my opinion though, and it's a good job some people use childcare or a lot of nurseries would fold.
I suppose the answer to your question is I found it fulfilling. During the early years I did the same as they would in nursery, they had friends to play, I had company from other sahm's.
My dh didn't keep regular working hours as has so many eggs in different baskets, so he was often at home too.

I'm on maternity ATM and will be returning full time. DH currently full time. He's taking shared parental leave for my first month back. I think it will work well as it will put us on a more equal footing re parenting (he's genuinely great but BFing and maternity leave naturally mean the bulk falls to me for now) and means I can focus on settling back into work without worrying about nursery etc.

RomanyRoots I don't think your comments will be popular. I agree it's great for kids if they can have a parent at home - but my DH loves his job and I'd never ask him to give it up. And that's before you consider the economic reality that most families need two wages.

Oh, and I definitely wouldn't have been ready to go back at 3 months, I was still a wreck at that point (despite an easy recovery from EMCS). Then at 4 months we had a horrific sleep regression. I think 5 months would've been the absolute earliest I could've managed.

Also, I think you need to notify your work 8 weeks in advance of any change to your return date. I don't think you could possibly know at 4 weeks how you'll be feeling at 12 weeks.

Liv
Popular or not that's just my opinion. I don't pretend to speak for others.
We could have needed two incomes, but we made do with one as are priorities were a parent at home.
My dh loves his work too, and mine was my life, but we all have different values and priorities.

Childcare would be a bit of a nightmare for us to be fair. I work 12 hours shifts which don't often finish on time and includes nights, weekends, Christmas a new year. Hence why I would rather be a stay at home parent, I think I would struggle missing out on early Christmas years. Also we don't have grandparent near by, so most of my wage would go on childcare anyway. If it was more social hours I probably would consider childcare as an option though, I know plenty of friends and family who use childcare and their children do really well

We did SPL, with me taking 9 months (with enhanced mat pay & stat pay) and DH taking 3 months (with no pay). As I had accrued holiday we had a month of overlap. In hindsight I think this frustrated DH as I was still 'there' meaning he only really had 2 months on his own.

I was champing at the bit to go back to work at 10 months, but wouldn't have been ready at 3 months. In hindsight 6 - 8 months would have been good for me (leaving longer for DH).

Good luck I hope things work out the way you want them

@clarabellski thanks for you comments, I agree I think after reading comments on this thread it would be better to initially take 6 months and him to take 6 months making it up to a full year. A bit less money in the bank by doing it but more important that we're both comfortable as new parents. I certainly don't want to feel rushed to go back to work when just getting into the swing of things. Thanks everyone you have really helped 😁