RANT - useless partner. Am I going insane?

[lauren3296]

This is a bit of a rant... I need to know I'm not going insane... myself and my partner have a 5 week old baby (both first time parents).. I personally feeling I'm bringing our son up as a single parent even though me and my partner are together!!!
My partner seems to believe as he has work during the week he can't help with night feeds/changes. When he comes home from work he takes baby for 2 hours tops to allow myself to nap then gives him back to me for the rest of the night... he's sleeping in separate room and still doesn't help with any other task around the house even though being asked multiple times and he still has the check to say "I'm knackered", or "you haven't said thank you for emptying the washing machine" (on the odd occasion).
I'm literally at the end of my tether and it's come close a few times now where I have nearly ended the relationship in arguments. I don't know what else to do and it's starting to get me really down now... I just feel like he needs to leave

You are not going insane. Having a new baby is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. My husband was 100% involved, I BF so he couldn’t do feeds but he got up to change nappy and rock back to sleep after each feed. He did this 7 days a week for most of our son’s first year and he works full time in a demanding job. When things were really tough and baby wouldn’t sleep at all, we took shifts through the night alternating with the other in spare room.

I honestly truly could not have coped without his involvement. I would have gone completely mad and been very, very depressed. Having a baby is an enormous undertaking that you each have a 50/50 responsiblity for and your partner needs to pull his weight.

It infuriates me men who think they shouldn’t have to get up at night because they work the next day. What are you doing?!! Looking after a new life, that’s what!! It’s much harder being at home with a grizzly baby all day than working!

Your partner needs to support you - you are not getting the support you need and deserve at the moment. Please ask and expect more from him. Sending

I should add that my DH was getting up during the night to do rocking, settling etc , not just in the evenings. Parenting doesn’t stop overnight for either parent!!

Why should you thank him for emptying the washing machine? I assume some of the items in there were his?

Thank you! We've had multiple discussions about him pulling his weight each time I've cried in front of him because I'm still very emotional and just feel alone.. I'm doing it all on my own! I've even said to him "I may as well be a single parent" and he kind of just shrugs it off! He says he will help and things will change however doing one bottle after work in my eyes isn't much change!!! I just don't know what else to do... and yes some pots are his in the washer that's exactly my point.. he seems to think because I'm on mat leave I have 24 hours of the day free and I'm not tired one bit and we all know it's not like that!

Are you breastfeeding? If not then he should definitely be taking his turn with night feeds.

My DH has the same attitude. He has an important job plus he commutes on a busy motorway so he needs to be awake. Apparently I can nap during the day. Except I can’t because I’m looking after the baby who doesn’t sleep. And a short nap doesn’t compensate for not sleeping at night. DH comes home so late that I only get a “break” while I cook, them the baby gets handed back to me. I’m so angry and resentful that I refuse sex or intimacy, I’ve cancelled any thought of another child and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive DH. I certainly don’t love him any more.

@SputnikBear no I'm not BF my son is on bottles, I've told my partner multiple times to help me out even if it's just at the weekends which at first he agreed to, then last week he decided to go out with friends and didn't come home and stayed at his parents... I'm just so done! I feel the same way, I do love him but it's just not enough anymore! We've just recently had a big argument where i thought things would change but it's all still the same!! I just hate the fact he thinks I have it easy like my job of caring for our son is a walk in the park but I'm knackered and fed up of his BS... the whole this is just pushing me to just end it and move on, but then the other half of me says no stay because when thinking about it I don't want him to move on and someone else be in my sons life! I was hoping it's just a phase as our son is only 5 weeks old but it's been like this from the start and still nothing's changed and I don't think it ever will!

@munchymoo thank you! I've asked him so many time to pull his weight etc but I just seem to get nothing in return and it's been like that since baby was born 5 weeks ago I just feel like nothings going to change

OP I’m so sorry for you! It’s bullshit what your partner is doing to you (and your child) You are working 24h/day and you must be exhausted! I don’t know what the solution is for you but my DH and I took turns getting up at night with a preemie baby home on oxygen and other medical equipment. When he was hospitalized I would do day shift and sleep at home at night and my DH would sleep at night in hospital with our son and work 5 days a week so definitely your partner needs to stop behaving like a jackass and grow up! I think you need to get away for a night or two and rest and think clearly about your relationship. Was he supportive of you prior to the baby? I don’t know if going away will make him realize all you do as he’ll probably run to his mommy for help and paint you in a bad light! Good luck.

Whoah whoah whoah... back the truck up ... he went out last weekend and stayed out all night sleeping at his parents ???? Wtf? If I was his mum I'd have turned him round at the door off you go son and be a father..
nip this in bud now op

He stayed out all night at his parents and they let him? Wtf?

"you haven't said thank you for emptying the washing machine"

Does he say thank you to you when you do it?

What was he like before the baby? I would be surprised if he was a good partner before anyway...

No night feeds at all when the baby is FF? No weekend lie in for you even? Utter fucking bullshit!

I'm on mat leave and do the majority of the house cleaning but my husband cooks dinner and he's always done some night feeds.

Does your partner truly not give a shit about the negative affect on your mental health of never getting unbroken sleep?

Wow I can relate!! I'm in the same position! My son is 4 months old and my partner is Usless!!!
Never wakes up for anything!! I'm breast feeding but he doesn't help change nappies, never takes him downstairs in the mornings to let me get an extra hour or anything!!
Does bugger all round the house! Still expects food in the fridge and on the table... washing done, ironing done, cleaning.... ohhh and he forgets.... looking after his son is a FULL TIME JOB ON ITS OWN!!!

He often sleeps in the other room.... gets a lovely 8-9 hours sleep!! And does the same "iv been working" ..... like iv sat and done nothing!!!

The arguments are awful... and daily! Iv told him I do a better job without him! As he only brings stress!!

It's horrible and not how I imagined xxx

@Olderbyaminute @Ooogetyooo @LipstickTraces @piscis @Laureline @BackInRed @Poppy1989 thank you everyone for replying!! Literally it's come to blows at the moment, we took some time apart and I've told him straight if things don't change I'm done... I think it's got through to him! Before the baby he was the perfect partner so supportive and helpful in every way, I just think with the baby coming he's not realised he's a dad yet we are both young still me being 22 and him 24!! But we've finally worked out a plan he's going to come home from work and take baby until his last feed at 11.30pm and I'm going to go to bed at 9pm to get a good stretch until his next feed at 3.30am! Hopefully it works🤞🏼 ugh this forum has helped me so much! Kept me sane! I hope everyone who's experiencing the same as me is ok and works something out with their partners too❤️

My DP was exactly the same. Was great for the first week but after that he was useless. I then fell pregnant again (was on the pill) when DC was 11 months old. I brought both my DC up by myself until the oldest was 3. He never did any feeds, nappy charges, getting up in the night and none of the kids slept through till they were both 31/2. I lost my shit one day, literally screaming and crying and I think he finally saw just how much I couldn't do it by myself any more. 5 years on I will say he is better. Still useless with house work but then again he does work 60+ hours a week but will help if I nag a couple of times BUT he's better with the kids now, will bath them, cook tea on weekends. Takes them to after school clubs. Basically I still do more because I work less hours but he's there when I need him.
I don't know if you can put up with it as long as I did or nor do I know if things will get better for you but just wanted to share with you.

I believe in equal roles in parents. I understand that it’s common for one parent to go out to work whilst the other stays at home. But that doesn’t mean that the parent who works cannot help out. What happens if you go back to work? You will have to work and be a parent.

Having a newborn is hard. As much as it’s amazing having this new little life that depends on you. It’s tiring, it’s repetitive and it can take a toll on the strongest of relationships. Me and the oh we’re on the verge of breaking up when DD was a newborn and he helped out when he could so you are definitely not going insane.

Could he not do the night feeds for at least one night a week (when he has a day off the next day. It’s amazing how even one night of solid sleep can make you feel more human.

I’ve got two DC DSwith an ex and DD with my partner. My ex was useless did absolutely nothing and it was hard. Whereas my partner is great with the children (I still do all the cleaning and most of the cooking) It helps that he’s great with the kids.

You may find it gets easier as baby gets older. Sometimes men find babies boring and are more interested when they are older.

Have a long chat with your partner. I don’t think they understand how much mums do. I still don’t think my Oh realises how much housework and laundry etc there is to do. Most gets done whilst he’s out at the house at work. 😬

it sounds glib, but as you're ff I'd suggest going out for min 4-5 hours on Saturday and giving him a dose of reality.

it's either easy looking after a Newborn in which case no problem him taking his turn, or it's tough in which case you deserve the respite.