Four year old suddenly refusing to say thank you

[MinisterforCheekyFuckery]

I have a four (nearly five) year old DD. She is generally a lovely, kind, very well behaved girl but over the past couple of weeks an issue has arisen that I'm finding really frustrating.

She has stopped saying thank you. When prompted to say thank you she will reluctantly whisper it, but often so quietly it's inaudible and if asked to say it properly will do so eventually but then immediately burst into floods of tears! I've tried talking to her about why she suddenly doesn't want to say it and why she gets so upset but she can't explain it, just says "I'll say it next time".

We have her birthday and Christmas coming up which will obviously mean presents and I'm dreading the embarrassment already when friends and family hand her gifts and she either says nothing or mutters a "thanks" so quietly under her breath they can't hear her and think she's being rude.

She's always had good manners previously and it's something DH and I consider important but we don't know how to handle this. Do we ignore it and hope it's a phase that passes? How much should we force the issue?

An advice or similar experiences would be much appreciated.

I’d have a chat with her to see what the matter is all of a sudden. If the chat doesn’t work, I would take the gift off her until she found her voice to appreciate it.

I would start saying to her that you only get presents if you say thank you, so she won't get any for birthday or xmas until she does.

She needs to tell you why she won't say it,at 4 she should be able to do this.

Is she a bit shy? Maybe get her to write some notes to hand out at the time rather than force her into an uncomfortable situation. Maybe remind her to say thankyou before the event and see if she does it in her own time?
I've found my 4yo who is super confident will become strangely shy when he is overtired especially with starting school. He also forgot his manners for a bit but we didn't make a big deal of it. He has found them again.
I think forcing the issue and taking presents away at this time could have the opposite effect.

If she’s bursting into tears I really wouldn’t push it. There’s obviously an issue so please don’t follow the advice of talking away her things if she doesn’t say it, as this could cause real issues in future.

I would have a chat and say that we all have to say thank you and if she can’t would she prefer to write some little notes/draw a picture?
She could do some now, and have a few of them to hand to give to people when she needs to say it.

I’m sure it’s jist a phase she’ll grow out of.

My former adult stepson once didn't say thank you when I handed him some chocolate I had bought him, so I took it back. He thought I was being petty. I thought correctly that he was a dick. He did grudgingly say it in the end.

I would say to your child that if she doesn't say thank you for something, it will be removed. Does she still say please? If so, point out that please and thank you are just as important as each other and if she can say one, she can say them both. You do have to get to the bottom of this, but do not let it go. Manners cost nothing and this needs to be nipped in the bud. Some other child git has probably told her some horror story about it.

I was going to say shyness too. My eldest can be like that. Try suggesting to her other sentences that have the same effect (to me, anyway!); "oh i really like it", "I really wanted one of those", "that's really nice". Or have a chat with her at the time to draw out that kind of response, in front of whoever has given her something. You could say "oh we've seen these and you said it looked really fun", rather than just demanding "thank you".

Maybe take the pressure off for a bit, the thank yous will come back.

I would leave it. Its probably just a phase. Little children don’t always remember to say thank you at christmas or birthdays but they express their joy and excitement in other ways or they are as others have mentioned just shy. I think adult can be rude and humiliating the child by publicly insisting on a thank you.

Why not tell she can either sign it or say it? Teach her sign for 'thank you' (just look it up on YouTube) and then if she signs it to someone just say, "That's sign language for 'thank you'."

I would start saying to her that you only get presents if you say thank you, so she won't get any for birthday or xmas until she does

I don't want to make threats I can't actually follow through. Dont get me wrong, I think manners are really important but, realistically, we're not actually going to cancel her birthday or let her come downstairs on Christmas morning to find no presents.

I genuinely don't think she's being naughty. She's very rarely deliberately defiant, she's just not that sort of child. She's a stickler for the rules of anything and hates to think she's in trouble. It's hard to explain but it seems to be more driven by shyness or embarrassment, hence the whispering. It's like she suddenly feels too embarrassed to say it out loud..even if it's just me and her Dad there and no one else! It's very strange.

I've tried to talk to her about it but she can't explain why it's so hard for her to say thank you all of a sudden, she just says she doesn't know.

And to answer a couple of questions, yes she still says "please", she still says "excuse me" and is generally very polite.

She can be shy, yes. With people she doesn't know well, large groups or in unfamiliar situations but it usually doesn't last long. What baffles me is that she can't even say it at home with just us!

I'm trying to revive this thread out of desperation. We've tried everything. Telling her off, ignoring it, talking about it calmly, role playing with stuffed animals, nothing has worked. DD still cannot say "thank you" without immediately bursting into tears and still can't explain why she finds it so hard.

We tried her doing the Makaton sign for thank you as a pp suggested. DD seemed quite happy with this (although it was a bit hit and miss, particularly with strangers) but certain family members didn't approve. I think it sort of drew their attention to the issue and bothered them more than her not thanking them at all iyswim and so they repeatedly pressed her to "say it properly" which again resulted in her becoming very upset and now she doesn't want to do the sign anymore.

MIL is of the opinion that we should tell DD that if she doesn't start saying thank you Santa will put her on the naughty list and she won't get any presents. I don't agree as she is a kind, helpful and very well behaved child aside from this one issue. Also, I don't see the point in making empty threats, which it would be because there's no way I could bring myself to follow through with it. MIL is adamant it won't come to that as the threat alone will definitely be enough.

On the other hand I'm at a complete loss about what to do and dreading the inevitable embarrassment at christmas and the judgement from relatives. If I don't make her say it everyone will think she's rude and we're terrible parents but if I do make her say it she'll end up spending most of Christmas day in tears.

Maybe I should listen to MIL because I certainly don't know what to do

Making it into a big thing constantly can be overwhelming and counter productive especially when you don't understand why she suddenly didn't want to say thank you.

I would take the pressure off for a few months, ask her to say thank you each time and if she doesn't say it do it for her and move on without making a big deal of it. Maybe write small thank you notes and send later. Model the behaviour yourself over Xmas and tackle it next year.

Have you told her things like it's not a rude word? I'm wondering if someone at school or a friend has convinced her that if she says it it's a naughty word or that a fairy dies or daddy gets sick or something, but that parents don't know that's what happens.... Hence why shes ok with makaton signing but bit verbalising.

Put the head of a child with a wild imagination on and see if any patterns emerge?

I wonder if it’s an OCD thing? Maybe she feels something awful will happen if she speaks that particular word? Many children have things like an unlucky number, or rituals that have to be performed to ward off bad luck. I remember I always avoided stepping on the second step of the staircase, and my sister had to recite “knife fork spoon” under her breath when putting cutlery away. It might explain why your DD actually bursts into tears, rather than just refusing.

Making it into a big thing constantly can be overwhelming and counter productive

This was my instinct as well but we've had a lot of "you need to sort this out" from family members. Not helpful as i'd love to, I just don't know how! She is more than happy to write people thank you notes (she enjoys doing them actually) it's just awkward at the time when someone gives her something.

Have you told her things like it's not a rude word?

Although I haven't got to the bottom of why she won't say it, when we've talked about it I've managed to establish that she knows it's kind to say thank you and that she likes it when other people thank her. I really wish it was some kind of misunderstanding because then I could clear it up and that would be that but I think it's more of an emotional thing.

Babdoc I don't think she has OCD. I worked in Mental Health for a long time and have quite a bit of experience with OCD and she just doesn't present that way to me but will keep it in mind.

I probably should have mentioned she also doesn't like saying "hello" or "goodbye" but this has never been an issue because if she doesn't know the person that well she will happily wave or give a high five and smile warmly at them and she always hugs people she does know well so doesn't appear rude. If a stranger says hello to her she will get very embarrassed and hide behind me or DH though.