Worried for friends kids

[Fabaunt]

Before I start she is an amazing mom who loves her kids but their diet is deplorable. They’re aged 4 and almost 2. Both parents suffer with being quite large so I worry the kids may too. I know kids can be fussy but this seems more. I had them over the weekend and the food list I was left with was
Breakfast:
Frosties and milk

Lunch:
Pre made pancakes heated up and butter

Dinner:
Sausage and chips

Tea:
Waffles

Snacks:
Yogurt, biscuits, lollipops.

The 4 year old refuses to eat any sort of vegetable, and won’t eat anything you could sneak veg into. It’s literally chips and sausages and if he’s feeling adventurous he might try a chicken nugget.

Yesterday I made a yummy dinner with veg and potato, and they both literally spat it out, the oldest child crying for a “real dinner”. A real dinner being chips and sausages. He’s given adult portions (a bag of chipper chips and two sausages) and has takeaway multiple times a week. The baby is on the exact same path. She doesn’t seem to think it’s an issue and has even argued with the oldest child’s school over him not being allowed certain food for lunch arguing he won’t eat anything else and she won’t have him hungry. He won’t even eat French toast without it being smothered in chocolate. I don’t mean to judge but I love these kids and am scared for them.

OP another idea that's popular here is 'traffic light puddings' with a red, yellow and green layer. Eg custard, kiwi, berries, red or green jelly etc. Ideally in a glass or transparent plastic container so you can see the layers.

The 4 year old refuses to eat any sort of vegetable, and won’t eat anything you could sneak veg into. It’s literally chips and sausages and if he’s feeling adventurous he might try a chicken nugget.

Some children are just extremely fussy. It’s really hard for some parents. One of my best friends who is a fantastic mum has a child who only eats spaghetti hoops, jacket potatos and cheese. She’s trying her best to introduce a more varied diet but the child won’t have it. Lots of children are similar.

A child who won’t eat vegetables isn’t automatically being neglected.

Yes it's crap food but I do think what you can do and how much you can interfere is limited.

I should think trying to get them to yours to eat veg isn't going to work because they aren't doing it at home.

If you want to help you'd really need to have an honest conversation with your friend tbf.

I try, haunted pencil. But of course it’s a sensitive subject and trying to broach it with her sees it shut down immediately. When the school addressed it with her (lunchbox rules) she fought them on it. She knows it’s a problem, but just won’t address it.

I often worry that she has a form of depression. She rushes into relationships, and then when they don’t work out, she will blame other factors such as a) he was controlling or b) he was manipulating her. She accused her partner of being controlling and causing her anxiety because cleaning gives her anxiety and he would argue with her in the evenings as he would come home from work and the kids and her would be in their pjs with breakfast and lunch dishes still on the table. She is in her 30s but won’t clean, won’t work, won’t keep her house tidy, won’t cook proper meals, it’s whatever is quick and easy and the kids are left then watching movies. When the 4 year old is in school she often takes a nap for the time he is out of the house. (3 hours)

She loves her kids and they have the best of everything, she really looks after them and is kind and so calm and gentle with them.
I know she would never want them unhealthy or obese or unwell, and no doubt she would want to do her best for them. But, most days they won’t even get dressed.

I am trying to balance the fine line between helping and not interfering or making her feel worse than she might do already.

JeanPagett “You suggested contacting her Health Visitor...,children have been taken into care for extreme versions of this"

Yes I did say OP could contact the HV. It is part of the HV role to support parents with health eating. I did not say contact SS. But yes children have been taken into care because parents have neglected to give their child healthy food.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/children-taken-into-care-for-being-too-fat-9158809.html%3famp

It doesn’t sound great if that really is all they are eating but if he’s hungry my 2 year old will happily demolish 2 sausages and he’s pretty skinny - I think that’s a bit of a red herring compared to not eating any veg and having lots of high sugar cereals and snacks.

Posted that before the latest update. It sounds like there are much bigger issues here and your friend needs some support.

Something like Homestart?

I agree with DrWhy. This is a much bigger issue than just the food. You can only do so much as a friend, you can't be her therapist and sort her life out for her. She needs to make the changes and the thing is she probably won't. Forcing this will make her more defensive and will make you more stressed and worried. I think you should back off and just continue to model good behaviour.

Until she is ready to make changes anyway then you can be there.

I think you need to focus on getting your friend support for her MH issues. When she's in a better place herself she will likely be much more able to cope will providing a healthier lifestyle for her children. I imagine if she's suffering from depression then having a friend criticising her parenting is really difficult.

Jacks yes I'm aware of that, but those cases are regarding morbidly obese children -the OP had said her friend's DS is chubby. I presumed that since you mentioned the HV and children being taken into care in one breath you viewed the HV as also performing a safeguarding role.

It is difficult. I think her & kids spending time with you can only help, her seeing the type of things you cook and do without explicitly saying anything can only help.

But she does need to get some help at the same time.

Mumsnet. Where a friend is someone you furiously judge while smiling.

I am not judging her. I would do anything for her. I work 5 days a week and I take her kids on one of my days off so she can have a break. I love her children like they were family, and I would do anything for them. I want them to be healthy, and happy and just want them to enjoy life to the best of their abilities. I don’t doubt for a second she’s an amazing mam but being worried doesn’t mean I’m judging her.

I don’t doubt for a second she’s an amazing mam but being worried doesn’t mean I’m judging her.

You are doubting she’s an amazing Mam because amazing mams feed their children vegetables.

I don’t doubt she is an amazing mam, I’m not even entertaining that she doesn’t love and adore and care for her kids.

The children are lacking nutritious food. Staying in their pjs all day, or watching movies all day won’t harm them, so there is no judgement there beyond concern that she may be a little depressed, but lack of any sort of vegetable or fruit or unprocessed meat is concerning.

You had the children over your house, cooked for them, and they spat out the food and demanded other food? This was considered acceptable behaviour?

I take them one day a week to give her a break. I had them at the weekend, took them out and about, brought them to the park and came home for dinner. We had mash, veg and chicken nuggets. Both of them looked like I had just poisoned them, literally spat it out and the oldest asked for real dinner.

How did you respond to that behaviour? What did their mum say when you told her?

I was calm. I didn’t do anything with the baby, because he’s not even two and I didn’t want to traumatize him by forcing food he didn’t want.

I popped the 4 year old up on the counter so we could have a chat and I wouldn’t be towering over him and asked him why he wouldn’t try it for me. He said because he would get his real dinner when he went home. He doesn’t like potato/veg. I tried explain chips and sausages are treats for special occasions and he said no they’re not treats, they’re dinner. I explained we wouldn’t be going to the cinema because he didn’t eat his dinner. When I was dropping them home the 4 year old was screaming in the back that he was really hungry and he wanted to go to McDonald’s.
I felt guilty and didn’t want to bring them home starving, so I went to the chipper and got a bag of chips and a sausage each and made them share the chips. I ordered 1/2 bag of chips and 1 sausage for me too, and the 4 year old told me he was still hungry and he had half my sausage. Brought him home and told his mam what happened, she just said yeah he won’t eat veg, and asked him if the chips were nice. He told his mam that he was hungry and wanted pancakes, which he got, and told his mam I said chips and sausages were a treat, which she ignored

From the way you have described the elder child's behaviour, poor nutritional habits are not the only way in which your friend's parenting is lacking.

I don't think you can solve this woman's problems yourself OP

@buffysummers4 sorry for the late reply. For me it's the difference between things that are parenting choices that might not be for me but don't harm the child and those that show a blatant disregard for health guidance or those around children's safety. I cannot spend time with those who do the latter. The diet detailed here is truly appalling and I'm afraid that smoking would be another. Maybe it's being a SCBU mamma, i don't know but i just couldn't have someone like that in my life. It's not about agreeing with all of my friends 100% with everything, it's about not being around those who put their needs or ignorance above their DC.

Another day, another chippy dinner.

Jesus OP. Of course that's not great for the kids, but making snide remarks like that about a mother who appears to struggling with depression isn't helping anyone is it.