I really wanted to be a mum but I am not mum I wanted to be

[Angellla]

My husband provides for all of us well and it was decided I would stay at home (I didn’t have a choice once I decided to have the kids). I gave up my carrier and would have to start at the bottom if I went back to work now.
He travels a bit and anyway works really long hours. On weekends he is so exhausted or often unwell that we do not share parental responsibilities, it has became only my task. When we argue or he gets angry he just shuts the doors and avoid us for the weekend. I love my children but (they are 18 months apart), I am exhausted. I do house work, cooking, shopping, everything around the kids, garden, with small exceptions here and there. We have no family around and I struggle. It is never my turn to sleep in, to have a break or even to be unwell because I do not need to go to work. My husband joined his family on a family holiday before and now visited them again for few weeks, while we stayed behind. I know there is an explanation and reason for all this but when is it my turn? Because I do not go to work, do I not get any break? I have changed so much after having my second DD that all of sudden I realise I keep shouting at them like mad for small things. Sometimes I cannot even find the energy to stand up, I could start crying anytime for no big reason. And I am thinking wether my children would be better without me. My daughter gets angry when I tell her I love her, she says that Grandma loves her more and she is her little heart, mummy is just mummy. I have no time for myself. All I do I do with kids.

Knowing every second person gets cancer, 800 kids die daily because of poor sanitation, I realise I am being silly

But how will my children be effected by all this?

Could have written this myself. I have three under 6, twins and one more with very little apart and I'm starting to loose it. Think it's time for me to see my GP, I need help or I think I need to walk away from it all. Sending hugs

Your dh sounds completely and utterly awful op. In your position I would go back to work, even if it meant starting at the bottom. What you describe really isn't normal in a relationship, or at least not in a good one . How old are your dc?

You are not the problem here, OP, your DH is. And yes, I would return to work, even if it meant an initial financial hit and starting again at the bottom. Or retrain.

I had to accept that my stbxh was a hprrible and selfish nasty man and throw him out. Really sad and awful. But everything is much easier and better, and happier without him.

It's interesting that you say he provides for you well. However...

he gets angry he just shuts the doors and avoid us for the weekend

He is not providing for you. On any level apart from financial. He is not parenting with you, supporting you, available to you.

You sound depressed. Consider your relationship's health, and whether to return to work.

And please don't keep beating yourself up, literally nothing good can come of that.

Almost 3 and 4.5

OP you urgently need to seek help- from your GP initially. You need to tell your husband how you are feeling as this is reaching crisis point. If he doesn't take you seriously you may be better off without him but your children will never be better off without you. Children always reserve their worst behaviour for the parent who looks after them them the most. You are exhausted and need to look after yourself. This will pass but action needs to be taken now. Xx

Your children love you , your mummy. Mummy is an angel to all children. Grandma etc are fun but if they were hurt it's mommy they would want.
Seriously get something for yourself. Are they both at nursery? Get a volunteer or or time job. I'd also get a hobby on a sat or Sunday for a few hours even if gym or a class and leave the children with your partner . Get some me time!

He’s really not a good husband. Financial stability is just the barebones of a partnership. Work out how much you would cost if he had to hire you on an hourly rate x 365 days/yr.... As is often said if you separated you would at least have every other weekend off. Perhaps point this out, but sad times to have come to this.

I would also look to going back to work, even if it costs you more in the short term. It’s so important to feel valued. Or consider retraining. But, you can’t go on like this.

I am going to look for a job, my younger one will be soon in nursery in the mornings, I have to make it work, it will give me more options, won’t it? I actually want to do it and hope I won’t struggle with childcare. Thank you all, you helped me so much