Young Parents

[AimeesMum]

Hi. I was just wondering what everyones opinions were of young parents? I'm 20, and my husband is 21. We have a 21 month old daughter, and she was planned. I always feel as if older people when we're out look at us as if we're unfit parents because we're young. We are hoping to concieve our second child within the next few months.
I was watching a tv program called 'bringing up baby' the other day, and they were talking about how young mums are more likely to give their baby a dummy..and another program I had seen mentioned how most young mums bottle feed.
Dd hasn't had a dummy, and we've only just stopped breastfeeding this month!
It annoys me how people pre-judge young parents. My dh works full time, we own our house, and our dd comes first.
I remember when dd first pulling to a standing position..and pulled a coffee table on to herself, and she had a bruised face..I hated going out in public as I used to get funny looks as if I'd done it myself!
I could rant on forever but I wont! lol!

Aimeesmum not sure where I stand on this one. I think it shows how judgemental people are. I bet the majority of people who appear disapproving when you're out and about assume that your DD was an accident. I think the current trend is for older parents (ie late 20s/early 30s) so you're not being very fashionable

While I was almost 28 when DS was born I can definitely see that there are advantages to being younger:

• likelihood of fewer complications in pregnancy
• more energy
• more empathy because the generation gap is not so wide
• greater likelihood of seeing grandchildren grow up and play an active role with them. for starters.

But there are also disadvantages - its like everything else weigh up the pro's and cons and make your choices. But your choice is as valid as mine.

I never realised just how much people feel free to comment on the most personal aspects of one's life before becoming a parent - it is as if any politeness or tact is totally uneccessary & anyone can make whatever comment they want on your parenting style.

I am the opposite to you (I could be your mum!) having had my DS just 2 months before my 43rd birthday but we get all sorts of comments as well,'couldn't be bothered to be dealing with babysitters at your age', 'how on earth will you be able to cope with a teenager' etc etc etc.

There are obviously disadvantages & advantages to whatever you decide but I think the key is a 'planned' baby - I know accidents can happen - but the most important thing is that every baby is a wanted baby.

One huge advantage is that I think younger parents have more energy !!

Aimeesmum, I'm sure it's a numbers thing/familiarity. My mum was 20 when I was born and someone like me - a mum at 35 (now 37!) was a rarity who people would have made assumptions about back then. I loved growing up with a young mum & dad, and having my grandparents around. But it didn't make me want to start a family young - and waiting was the best thing I could have done- for me - because I feel that certain bits of my life are less important now (ie work) that I'm established and surer of my opinions than I would have been in my 20s. I think you're very lucky to have found someone you want to have a family with, and your dd is a lucky girl (I've only just finished bfeeding - and my dd does have a dummy - none of us fit into any patterns, I'm sure)

Lindy

Totally agree with you re tact and politeness and the lack thereof sometimes in people's remarks!

Recently a friend (not particularly close) who is a SAHM said something along the lines of - how I wouldn't be able to keep up in changes in ds's development as I didn't see him except at weekends (I work 5 days/week). Well I see him morning and evening every day! Doh!

I do sometimes wonder if we get hyper-sensitive sometimes though? Young/old, working/sahm, don't we all feel we are being judged and found wanting in some way? How much of it is down to our own aspirations to perfect motherhood based on the unrealistic expectations placed on mothers these days?

On which philosophical note, I will sign off!

Hi AimeesMum, Im 32 and dh is 33. I was 19 when I had my first of three. Were all planned. I enjoyed being a mom young. I dont think theres anything wrong either way young or older. I know alot of younger moms and dads who are very mature and great parents. Dont worry what other older parents say because even some older parents are not all that great at parenting. Not meaning anyone on mumsnet.

Bossykate, I think you have a good point. We do tend to see parenthood as some kind of competition: how soon will our child walk, talk, how clever are they, do they have a dummy, etc, etc. It's so hard but it's important not to compare ourselves and our children to others and evaluate ourselves by what we see in others.

AimeesMum, it sounds like you're doing a great job and I wish I were 10 years younger so that I could keep up with the kids.

I also envy those with young parents - my parents and my parents in law are worn out after half an hour with their grandchildren!

Aimeesmum, dh and I married when I was 21 but dd didn't appear until I was 30 - and she was an accident. The best ever, because she is the most fabulous thing that ever happened to me. Everyone was so pleased that we were having our baby, but I know that their attitude would have been very different had she arrived early on. It seems to me that all parents are judged in some way - I feel that I am judged because I had to bottle-feed, others because they had their children late, or without a steady partner. B**r the lot of them, I say. So long as our babies are loved, and that we do the best that we can in bringing them up, nothing else matters.

Sorry, when I said "the lot of them" I meant those who criticise, not other parents!

Hi Aimeesmum, I'm single, I've just had my 22nd bithday and I have 2 children.

My ds will be 4 next month, my dd is 16 months. I was 18 when I had my son. He was born with a cleft lip and palate and when I was in hospital with him the first time round i was treated like i was incapable.

The nurse tried to do everything for me, feeding, changing, wanting to take him over night. I resisted it and I ended up screaming at her to leave me alone.

The second time we went in, ds was 6 months, very happy healthy little boy and they laid right off. It was as if the first time round they were standing over me waithing for me to fail. The second time they could see I was coping and doing at least a reasonable job.

I still get looks and judgements made. I remember going to antenatal appointments, and check-ups with ds with my mum and having 'them' talk to her instead of me. And its like ffs, this is MY body, MY child....

OOO, it makes me mad...

I know what you mean about people thinking you can't do things for your children yourself when you're young Jenny2998! When my dd waas first born we stayed with my grandma (59 at the time) as I'd had a c-section and we were moving house at the time too. Well, I had to argue with her to be able to change a nappy! I think people expected me to not want to change the dirty nappies, and felt that I would have an aversion to poo! Well, I wouldn't want to be changing other babies nanppies, but my own dd, well I liked doing it!
We are going to start ttc our second child within a few months, and have started dropping hints with family about our plans to have more children. They all seem to be much more accustomed to the idea, and I think have realised that we are adults..capable of looking after ourselves and our children!! lol!
I've come to the conclusion that people when we are out in public are not worth bothering about!

Aimeesmum, since having ds (at the ripe old age of 33!) I think anyone who copes with parenting without resorting to violence is doing a great job irrespective of age etc...!

My mum had me when she was 20 and db 20 months later. They got married when she was 3 months pregnant - but they had already been engaged anyway.

Being so long ago (41 years) I'm sure that she was not seen as particualry young - especially out in South Africa.

There is one MAJOR advantage in having kids young, which I am sure you have already worked out. You yourselves are still young by the time that they leave home.

I had been at uni for 2 years when Mum turned 40. (Ouch I'd only just had ds at that age!). They've had a great time in the last 20 years, off on fancy holidays around the world, away on cycling trips every weekend, helping my brother build his factory unit, helping my brother make his furniture (he designs and builds furniture), helping my brother by watching the factory unit shop, nagging my brother to do his accounts .... ooops, there IS a downside!

Joking apart - my definition of middle aged keeps on changing as "Mum & Dad are not middle aged" - they are fit and healthy, look good and have a young mind set (helped I'm sure by having had us young) .... but I think at 62 and 65 respectively, I'm pusing that definition a bit far!

Forget about what other people think - and just enjoy your dd now and whatever else the stork might bring along in future!

Janz - I agree about having "your life" back at 40 or 45 if you have your kids young .... Why didn't I think of that in my twenties.....

I've sort of been at both ends of the age spectrum, having had my first baby at 21 and my last at 42. I don't think one age is specifically better than another. It's just different.

Same as you Suedonim, I had one child when still very young and my second not till 40. Advantages and disadvantages in equal measure but basically being a mum is being a mum!

When dd was 2 weeks old I had her in a sling and was doing my shopping in Tesco's when an old lady, who must have been partially sighted, came up to me and said: 'that's a very pretty dolly, is she good?'. Oh no! I actually looked like a 12 year old wandering round the supermarket with a doll in a sling! I'm 25, and admittedly do look like I could still be at school, but for someone to think I was so young that it must be a doll made me howl with laughter when I came home and told dh about it.

Anyway, I frequently get patronising comments about how I'm looking after dd, but also get loads of really nice ones. I often get lovely old ladies coming and telling me how nice it is to see someone so young breastfeeding (I don't shatter the illusion by telling them how old I really am!).

However, I can defintely relate to how you're feeling. When I told people at work I was pregnant, they all seemed utterly shocked and as if it must be an accident (it was, but a very much appreciated one!) and that it was such a shame to have happened so early on in life/career/marriage. I didn't think I was that young as my mum had me when she was the same age, 25. But it seems as there is a trend for having babies later now. I can see why, and think this is no bad thing, however, I do think that on the back of this trend has come a more negative view of younger mothers, which seems really unfair.

JanZ, I know what you mean about having children early means that they're off early but IME kids these days seem to stay at home well into their 20's if not beyond. In our village most of the teenagers go off to university, go around the world and then come home and expect their mums to still wash their socks for them.

When I first went to my doctor to confirm I was pregnant with my oldest I took my mom. I was 19. After I took the test and waited for results the nurse comes into the room and tells me its positive. She looked at me so weird when I had the reaction of excitement. I think she thought the news would be devestating to me because I looked so young and maybe I didnt have a husband since my mom came with me. I should of told her this was a planned pregnancy and my dh was at work.

Threeangels - I got exactly the same reaction at the age of 42 - the nurse was umming & erring & then eventually said ' well, do you want to go through with the pregnancy?' !!!!!!!

I'm 37 and live in an area with relatively high levels of teenage pregnancies. I had pain in my hip after having ds (now 4) and my HV said "Oh it's probably arthritis" It took my (younger, childless) hairdresser to suggest that an osteopath might help. Sigh.

im 18 and have not yet had mine but when you walk around people look at your face then their eyes drop to your belly and you sometimes see them whisper to the person next to them, i dont llok very old, maybe 16 and im quite short, so i can understand why people judge. as far as im concerned, it was a shock but i want to do my very best, breastfeeding and all

yeah had all the looks too, and I dint think I was that young when I had ds1 (i was 22)! I did/do look younger I guess-im 29 now and I still get asked for ID, even when I have all three dc's with me!
it annoys me in some ways, like the time I took ds1 and dd swimming a few years ago, and the lady at the desk actually asked me if I could manage two small children on my own? she had already served a woman with two kids, and had said nothing to her! I have also been asked if my dp is the father of all three (which he is), which I really dont think would have happened had i been older.

As others have said though, at least when they leave home, I will still have time to enjoy myself-either that or Ill be catching up on all the lost sleep...

I am not a fan of young mums because my mum was a teenager when she had me and it was awful. She was physically and emotionally abusive for the fist 4 years of my life, stuff that I remember today. Then one day I was at my nans for the weekend (my dads mum) and when she took me home my mum was gone. She still won't have anything to do with me 24 years later.

My dad was also the same age and he has always been there for me but this has given me a very negative view of such young parents. Although my mum was 15 when she got pregnant so she was younger than you. I don't think 20 is that bad but if you happen to look younger too, then people do judge.

I know my situation is unusual and there are many young parents who are good but as my cousin and his GF are in this situation now, and it isn't a great situation, and I went to a school that had a ridiculously high pregnancy rate (and they weren't planned) I just have a dim view of teenage pregnancy.

Coldhands, this is a very old thread - the OP will be 28 or 29 by now...

the dim view is also quite insulting. not everyone behaves in such a way.