Am I making my child 'manipulative'

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I've got a strained relationship with MIL. I have DD3 who is a bit of a complex character. She's very shy and only really comfortable with people she see's daily. She's good with grandparents etc. If she's on form but can be clingy and stroppy with people if things aren't quite right.

Anyway, visited in laws this weekend, they looked after her for the evening (first time ever!) and she was really good! Next day DD was being a bit tricky. Nothing major just nothing anyone said was right and she just wanted mummy. I was exhausted so went to bed. Forgot something so got up to overhear that apparently DD is manipulative and it's my fault because I let her get away with murder! Basically I'm not generally very strict but MIL is, she tends to say 'no' a lot when I wouldn't but for stupid stuff, like they were having a snack of strawberries in the car and DD didn't want to eat the white bit near the green but MIL was telling her she had to eat it before she had another?? I just felt it was winding her up for no reason??

Anyway she came down with V&D the next day I think explaining the behaviour. (Bad behaviour being 'I'm not cute I'm just Charlotte!' Type back chat.)

I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong or not. I don't see why I should parent differently around MIL once in a blue moon when we see her?? Or am I just too soft?🤷‍♀️

No, your mil is manipulative. Your dd is just 3.

Take her with a giant pinch of salt and see less of her if her behaviour upsets dd, but don't let her undermine you. My mother was very resentful of my approach to child-rearing when ds1 was little (at one point she said "the trouble with your dc Greensleeves is that he's too comfortable. You need to traumatise him a bit"). I think it was partly that she took it as a criticism of her rather more authoritarian style, and partly just a controlling thing.

DD's upbringing is your business, not hers. And when a tiny child is shy or needs Mummy or is experimenting with saying "no" or asserting her own tastes and preferences, your patient and child-centred approach will not make her manipulative or spoil her, it will teach her that she is valued as a person in her own right and that Mummy can be relied upon to care for her and consider her needs.

Thank you so much for your reply green. MIL is definitely the matriarch of the family and it was be WW3 to cut contact but I'm sure going to keep it to a minimum where I can!

I'm just sick of it we've had a lot of problems in the past but I really feel that saying that about DD is over stepping the mark.

DH told her that I'd heard what she said and it had upset me and she had a massive strop screaming / shouting. It's all my fault because she shouldn't have to walk on egg shells??

Wait, did dh tell mil that you were upset? How did it play out that she found out/ felt she had space to tantrum?

Your mil just sounds like a certain type of older person who is affronted by the idea that children are treated like people and not chattel these days. It calls into question how they parented / interacted with children, and makes them feel defensive and shit, so they turn it around. Textbook stuff tbh. Nothing to worry about, just smile nod and move on. You can't take it too personal. She's just a bit thick and very unselfaware.

I'm not really sure how it infolded honestly I was so tired coming down with this bug but I went back into kitchen MIL wasn't there but FIL was and I said to DH 'have you finished talking about me now? I'm cross, very fucking cross!' So FIL probably heard and it went from there. I just went to bed and heard the screaming!

yeah, she's textbook

the rest of her family are obviousy used to dancing to her tune and she intends to ensure that you and your DD are conditioned to do the same. Just be calm, pleasant and entirely unco-operative when she tries to pull you into line. She doesn't have any power over you.

And ignore the flying monkeys (DH, FIL and anyone else she's got jumping around doing her bidding)

Yep everyone does dance to her tune but not me!

We've had a few ding dongs in the past but I've tried to me mature and you know we've been getting along ok but I just don't understand why she can't just be nice to the bloody kid!!! She only sees her maybe 5x a year. Not like she can take it upon herself to 'sort her out' on those few occasions!

Don't let it get to you. I have this issue with my mum. She tries to parent over the top of me, and often tells me I'm doing it all wrong. With such controlling people I find ignoring it works best. I don't let her visit all the time, and I rarely let her baby sit.
I just say no you don't have to do that and ignore the carry on.

My mum has said I'm spoiling my son from day 1. My crime was feeding him on demand which encouraged him to cry for my attention