Baby and relationships

[Spanglyprincess1]

I love my son very much and he's still a small baby. I feel detached from dp more and more. He holds baby and will change a nappy etc but has only had baby on his own for a few hours ever (ebf but I can express). He didn't offer to bath baby etc despite this happening daily and rarely plays with baby.
He loves baby and gives him kisses etc and will hold him when I eat but I'm starting to get worn down. I feel very resentful dp having freedoms to go out eg he popped to pub for an hour the other night on way home. Not a problem but I can't do this or if I ever do baby comes too.
My friend and me are doing a spa day for her birthday and she's offered drinks after - I checked date with dp before booking and he agreed to have baby. But now wants me to arrange other childcare so he can come drinking to. Is it harsh to say I need a break? I want some space which seems mean but I need to be able to relax.

Not harsh at all. Mention the times he has been able to go to the pub and you've been at home looking after baby.
Also, don't let him back out of his word. He said he'd watch the baby so he should do that. The last thing you need is unreliability when it comes to childcare.
Hopefully, after chatting with him, he'll understand. He doesn't sound too bad of a guy but I do feel most men have serious growing up to do when it comes to bring fathers. They just don't seem to understand they can't just do what suits them anymore.

Sometimes I think they don’t understand / get a bit complacent. My husbands an amazing dad and really helps me out a lot, but since he went back to work he needs reminding sometimes about things...such as asking him to play with her (not just have her on his nee watching TV! and the novelty of bath time wore off I think so he needed reminding of how much we actually do in the day, and yes we do want a break from our babies!

What? He wants to invite himself to a meeting your friend asked you to? 'No, I won't do that. My friend invited me, and I want to enjoy the day with her.'

Hopefully, after chatting with him, he'll understand. He doesn't sound too bad of a guy but I do feel most men have serious growing up to do when it comes to bring fathers. They just don't seem to understand they can't just do what suits them anymore.

Eh? Maybe so if you chose to procreate with some immature, sexist loser. And in that case, you sort of reap what you sow. A father isn't just 'childcare' but should be an equal partner in parenting. Feel so sorry for people who have kids with such saddos.

Oh and not harsh at all. It’s exhausting and mentally draining looking after a little one!

Tell him no on the childcare. Tell him you're going out for once and he agreed to take care of his own child so you could catch up with your friend. Tell him he clearly needs the practice.

He's being an arse. Don't give in to whinging about how he wants to come and it's not faaaair and baby will be looked after anyway. It's YOUR TURN and he is well overdue to be in charge on his own for a bit.

@dontalltalkatonce OPs post is specifically about childcare (ie caring for a child) do that's what I referred to. Whether it's your own child or not, caring for a child is called chilcare. I didn't say babysitting did I?
And just because someone doesn't realise the full extent of their responsibilities, it doesn't mean they're immature/sexist/saddo.
I feel sorry for your partner. You sound like a snappy bitch.

YAnbu. Your dp appears to be living in the 1950s. He is a selfish prick and needs to be made aware of the fact.

I had this, my ex refused to help, he liked to jiggle a clean baby on his knee for 20 minutes of an evening, but that was it.
Now he's an ex ! My life is much easier now because he is required to look after his ds for 9 hours a week which means I get a day off each week. He has ds one weekend in 7 which means I get the occasional night off too.

Plus I don’t need to cook, clean, iron, shop or budget for a man. Life is much better without him. Perhaps you could point out the realities to your dp.

Dp is self employed so works from home a lot. Since baby was born he's worked away 5 full weekends Friday morning till Monday night. Hence I just want some time out as had baby alone a lot.
What is reasonable to expect dp to do with baby? Bearing in mind I'm on mat leave. Currently he works every sodding day inc weekends so generally our day is. Baby wakes up four am for feed. Then back to sleep around half four or five, then up at eight. I feed n change baby and make some mush as literally just started weaning. Dp gets up. He does kitchen - while I feed baby. Me n baby play then baby naps around ten, I get dressed and we walk to play group while he naps. Playgroup or winning etc till midday. Walk back, call in on family if not at work have coffee play with baby. Feed and change baby. Come home and more baby playing. Feed baby. I bath baby around seven and then change for bed. I make my tea while baby naps for an hour - ask dp if he wants tea/detailed he doesn't or will make himself later. Dp holds baby while working or on phone while I eat.i then feed baby and try to get baby to sleep (takes forever). Baby goes down around 9pm. Dp then usually falls asleep on sofa so I watch TV with him snoring and then go to bed.
I love baby but that seven days a week is monotonous. Usually if I have a shower I clean bathroom before hand or floors or put washing in while baby cat naps (only sleeps 20min in day). Dp does most of tidying but never Hoover's or bleachs sinks etc. But he is good at housework generally.

I'm aware i sound grumpy but I'm getting a bit tierd which I think is normal at this stage tbh

You don't sound grumpy at all.
You have to remember (and remind your DH) that maternity leave is not some kind of blissful holiday. It's a lot of hard work!
Can you not arrange a set time with DH where he'll take LO for a couple of hours at least once a week? Yes, he's working all the time but so are you. The fact that he's self employed and works from home MUST grant some flexibility.
On the weekends, I ensure there are 2 bottles of expressed milk in the fridge. When my DS wakes around 6am, I feed him then give him straight to DH. I then go back to bed and get up when I feel like it (around 9.30). He also takes him at other times too but thats more ad hoc. Can your DH not take him for a couple of hours on each weekend day? Or for 1hour in the evening? That arrangement would be more than reasonable.

I think dontalltalkatonce's response is a bit extreme and doesn't help you at all OP. For what it's worth I had similar feelings about my DH (and still do occasionally!) as our DS has just turned one and I do most of the childcare and DH has always struggled to do anything for DS without being prompted.

I know my DH is a good man, and a kind and caring human being. I think having a baby is one of the biggest upheavals you can ever go through. For women we've been preparing for that change physically ever since conceiving and growing our babies. Then we labour and birth them and have a healthy dose of hormones that mean our brain just instinctively puts baby first and our whole world becomes about meeting baby's needs above our own. I am definitely not justifying that it's ok for men to step back, but it's how I've come to understand it in DH. He's also openly said that he's felt like he doesn't know how to interact with DS when he was tiny. Again for a lot of women our partners and husbands return to work shortly after birth so we have no choice but to take on everything solo during the day.

I'd have an open chat with your fella OP and explain that you know it's a big change and he might be struggling with it but both you and your child need support and back up more often than you're getting. (My DH was still participating in his sport of choice regularly and went abroad for a lads holiday when DS was a few months old and after a stern but fair chat he's toned it all down much more). Good luck! X