Just don't know what to do

[sijjy]

Hi. My daughter has turned 18 today. She has a biological father that she hasn't seen since she was 10. He friend requested her on Facebook a couple of years ago. Which she decides not to act upon. She messaged him 18 months ago saying remember me? He messaged back 2 days ago. 18 months later. He has now friend requested her again which she has accepted.
The part that I'm unsure what to do about is. It came to light when she was 15 that while staying in his care he threw her down the stairs while having a domestic with his then partner. We disclosed this information to cahms at the time as we thought it was relevant. Social services then got in touch to say he was known to social services. I contacted social services when he friend requested her 2 years ago and they told me a risk assessment would need to be done should she choose to see him. My question is now she's 18 what happens as she's technically a adult. How can I find out if he is a risk to her. I want her to make her own choices about having contact with him but obviously I don't want my daughter to be at risk. 18 or not.
Sorry for the long post.

What a terrible situation. I don't ha e much advice expect to talk to her at length about the risk, her boundaries and if she does decide to have contact, some red flags to watch out for?

I think the most important thing is to keep lines on communication open.

Could you apply for information from the police under Claire's law?

In fact, I'm sure you can.

Is she aware of what ss has said? I don't think they'll want any involvement now she's an adult unless she's vulnerable because she has a disability etc. Of course just because she's 18 rather than 17.5 it doesn't make her suddenly super capable with the benefit of loads of life experience. I think the best thing for you to do is to advise her to be cautious. Find out what she can about him, be careful what details she gives out and only meet in public. It would be a bit like meeting any new person from online because although it's her father she doesn't know him any more and there may be additional risks.

Thank you for your replies. I was thinking of Clare's law too. Will have a look into it.

And yes she is aware of what social services have said. I have always been open and honest with her so she is able to make informed choices.

Maybe hearing what he's done will make it seem more real to her.

 it must be hard for you.

Just a little update. He decided to start a conversation with her on her 18th birthday. We should of been celebrating and I spent all day mending her broken heart. She had questions that she wanted answers to. I've always told her it was a long time ago that I knew him and he may of changed. It turns out he hasn't. He well and truly shown her his true colours. While it's a good thing in a way as she now knows for herself what type of person he is. It's so bloody awful that her 18th birthday will be the day she found out. When it should of been full of happy memories.

What a bastard. I'm so sorry. My half brothers went through similar with their Dad. My mum was terrified about him coming back in to their lives but he quickly showed what an utter piece of shit he was.

Your poor daughter.

Thank you for you reply. I hope your half brothers are ok. It's absolutely awful what some men out there put there own flesh and blood through.

They've come to terms with it I think. He died recently and I hate to say it but it's a relief to everyone.

Be glad he's shown his colours now rather than on months or years and letting her fall further. Doesn't make it any easier for her now though. Maybe a therapist could help her work through some thoughts too?

She was under cahms at the age of 14 for issues including the non existent relationship she had with him from the age of 10. And feelings of not being worth anything. She has been feeling low again recently and this has kind of topped it off. We are talking about what steps she is going to take next. I haven't brought anything back up again as she has been with her friends and having fun so didn't want to lower her mood.
When she was one I met a lovely man. Who I am now married to. We have 2 boys together and my daughter asked to call him dad at around 5. He is in all ways except biologically her dad. So at least she has had that. When she was around 16 my husband wanted to adopt her. We asked her and she said she felt like if that went ahead it would end the chance of her having a relationship with her biological father. Which she obviously has always been curious about and wanted maybe to just feel acceptance from him. She came down after some further exchanges on Facebook with her biological father and said I've told him dad ( meaning my husband) is going to adopt me. Cus it's what I want. Cus he's the one that's been there for me. I didn't have the heart to tell her right then that it's no longer possible as she is 18. So I will have to approach this with her soon too. It's just so heartbreaking. She is at 6th form at school. I know they are looking at arranging some counselling so I will be in contact with them.