Where did I go so terribly wrong?

[Eclipseoftheheart]

I’m so disappointed in my adult children, I feel heartbroken tbh with you.. I don’t think I’ve been the perfect mum at all but I’ve always put my children and their needs first and loved them unconditionally.
Now that they are adults they are both entitled and extremely selfish, no doubt entirely my fault.
I’m having an op today to remove a tumour and neither of them have called me, I have obviously been a terrible mum.
I know this is a dreadful thing to say but part of me hopes that I don’t come round from the anaesthetic 😢

first off, no parent is perfect! I'm sorry to hear what you're going through but maybe they are struggling to deal with it too and don't know what to say?

Oh my dear. I am so sorry to read this. I have 2 adult dc boy and girl. I have been meticulous in treating them both the same but ds has always been more 'difficult' and now he gives little thought to us - it is not that he does it on purpose but to him his life is more important and we are on the outskirts so, I don't think you have done anything wrong but that the nature side of their upbringing dominates. Best wishes for your op and recovery and I am sure they will be in touch.

I don't know you or your family, but your adult DC behaving as they are is up to them, don't blame yourself, especially just before an operation.
Its very thoughtless of your DC not to call, but they're probably minimising it. I never thought of any surgeries my parents/aunts having as major when I was in my 20's because I knew people have surgery everyday and survive. It wasn't until I was older and had more life experience did I realise my mistake. Even if it's 'minor' surgery, it's pretty major to the person having it.

I had major surgery a few years ago and would've loved more contact from my DC too.
After the surgery - and I was still alive - I spent a long time working out what I wanted for ME. It really changed my life.

and best wishes for your surgery and for your future.

Firstly good luck with the op, hope it goes well.
Secondly, I may well be reading something bthat isn't there, but your bit about "hoping I don't come round" sounds just like the sort of emotional manipulation my mother would pull if she felt I hadn't been attentive enough. so I keep a good emotional distance between us as I hate that crap.
Did your children wish you good luck about the op when you told them? Have you spoken to them in the past week and they said good luck? Might they ring or visit later? If so, that's plenty surely? Why expect a phone call at 5am?!

Actually I don't think a 'good luck' earlier in the week is plenty for someone having a Timor removed. Especially your mother
I hope your op goes well OP

Hope your op goes well . Don't blame yourself . Some people don't deal with illness well .

I find most teenagers and young adults, even the really really nice ones, to be exactly like you described: selfish and self centred.

Ds1 is incredibly.

I find MN posters overly child orientated. Many, in fact most seem to Focus more on their children, than they do anything else.

Is it a generational change in parenting? I think so. I do wonder how these mums will cope with empty nest syndrome when kids leave?

Thank you everyone, I have not and would not ever tell anyone what I said about not caring if I come round from the anaesthetic. I’d be far too embarrassed/ashamed, but maybe you’ve got a point ABitCrapper.

Communication is different now. Group WhatsApp them the plan for the day and a couple of photos post op of your first hospital meal. Just keep them updated in a lighthearted way rather then laying it on thick that you want support.

You can't pin your happiness and wish to be alive on your children's behaviour.

I agree that the anaesthetic comment sounds emotionally manipulative.

All parents get some things right and some things wrong but it is highly doubtful that you are to blame entirely for your children's behaviour.

I know so many families where one of the adult children is difficult and another is fine so it can't just be about the parenting.

Also they might be assuming that you’re fine because you’ve not said otherwise. Teens and twenties
Are very self orientated often. I blame the brain

Awww OP, you sound so down. Are you alone? My grown up kids can be absolute arseholes, but their dad tells them if they are being hurtful, do you have anyone that could tell them they are being shits? Also I have found with all my family (not just my kids) that sometimes I preempt them by calling first, it stops me dwelling (because my mum and my sister are really really crap at getting in touch with me) but if I call them, they are lovely! Yes, I know it would be nice for others to make the first move, but some people are just fucking crap.

No one may agree with me, but I honestly don't think children (even if grown) are there to support us through difficult times. That's what a partner, friends, your own parents or other close relatives are for. I think you are being unreasonable to expect them to contact you at just the time you need them to for emotional support or expect them to comfort you at this stage, however frightening it is for you (and I hope it goes very well for you today ).

Tried to add MN flowers but it didn't work, I'll try again - 💐

This struck a nerve with me too, my mother is a victim narcissist and emotionally abused me for decades under the guise of martyring herself and ‘I did my best! ’ she also says she wishes she wouldn’t wake up, just to ramp up the drama and damage. I’m done. Apart from people who chose to be parents, no one is responsible for another’s person. Not emotionally, physically, financially, nothing. No one owes their parent for choosing to force them into existence, no one is responsible for their parent. link for other daughters of abusive mothers People who don’t have toxic relatives do not understand, bleating ‘but it’s your mother!!’ means ‘go back for more abuse’ to those of us burdened with toxic relatives.

I don’t know if the OP or her kids are the problem, but something about their relationship isn’t working, rather than upset yourself thinking the why you are, OP, build a life for you, outside of the parent title, build your own friendships and support and embrace this new stage of your life. Good luck for the operation.