Is it normal

[Eyep]

To feel as up and down about being a mum as I do? Some days I feel totally resentful of my baby, like I've ruined my life and I'm pining for ridiculous things like being able to go to the shop for milk alone and at 11pm if I wanted to instead of skulking quietly downstairs so I don't wake my fretful daughter.
But just now I felt really tearful when I realised that it's been ages since I referred to her as being an "x week old" and that now I'm just say she's 7 months because to call her a 30 week old is madness, right? And I feel sad that she's not my tiny baby any more but also can't wait until she can start being a bit more independent and I can do things with her like feed the ducks or bake cakes.

I just feel very conflicted with how I feel about being a mother right now I suppose. Is this normal?

It can be normal to feel conflicted but if your tearful at 7 months, I’d talk to your GP or apni. It could just be that you need a bit of extra support

Thank you, I didn't know what apni was i'll look at their website more this evening.

I can go from one day to the next feeling polar opposite emotions. This is a recent thing - before my overwhelming emotion at being a mum was boredom - very little enjoyment in it at all. Now it's like I have too many feelings, although I'm glad the feeling of boredom has disappeared a bit.

*you’re tearful. Sorry for the typos.

Feeling detached and bored can be another sign if depression. I really would suggest talking to your GP. There’s also a Postnatal Depression section on MN thanks]

The hormonal mayhem and life-changing nature of having a baby can wreak havoc - see your GP - you are not alone in this feeling and she/he will know what to do next. Linked website above looks very good.

It’s important to seek help when we’re struggling/persistently down.

However, it’s okay to have negative thoughts. I felt everything you did and I sometimes still do (4 DC -ages 8, 5 and DTs 3).

We are not completely selfless individuals-sometimes having children makes life more complicated and it’s absolutely fine to acknowledge that.

I think that everything you’re feeling is understandable. The first few months are both overwhelming but fleeting.

I still look at my children and feel sad that they’re no longer tiny babies but then I’m so relieved that we can enjoy time together as a family without having to manage a delicious but demanding little baby.

If you feel consistently low then please seek help OP but if you’re just having some conflicting emotions about parenthood then congratulations, you’re a mum .

How are you getting on now Eyep? Was the apni information useful at all?

Thank you for checking in on me. The website was very useful, I was able to cross check my feelings with the signs of depression. Fortunately I don't think I match enough of the signs to warrant a trip to the gp. What I did do was write all my feelings down about being a mum as if it was a story or a letter starting from when I found out I was pregnant to now and then I texted it to myself. Writing it down stupidly made it feel valid, and was quite cathartic because I just got all my negative thoughts down in one place.

That does sound helpful. Can I ask how the birth went? Was it traumatic at all?

To be totally honest I was very detached from the birth but that was just the conclusion to what was a very detached pregnancy. Writing the letter made me realise that I never properly bonded with my baby while I was pregnant. I remember actually telling my mum that I felt no maternal instinct to my bump and that if I had to pick between it and my husband id pick my husband. So by the time labour arrived I felt I was waiting for the love to kick in. I'm ashamed to say that from the start of my pregnancy I knew I would want an epidural without even looking into what the risks for baby were (not ashamed of getting an epidural but ashamed I put my fear of pain so high above my baby that I refused to engage in discussions of potential complications). So I got my epidural and then I slept. Through the whole labour, hours and hours and only woke up for 30 mins or so at a time a few times. I only woke up properly when it was time to push, which obviously I couldn't feel so I needed forceps. Then when the baby was born my main emotion was numbness tinged with disgust at all the blood and gore, so I sort of pretended to be overwhelmed by it all because I knew the midwives were watching me and then made a show of wanting my husband to have skin to skin contact, but really that was just to get her off me quickly without looking like a shit mother.

I should say that the utter apathy i had towards my labour and daughter in the early days has gone - I have bonded more now so it's not as hopeless as it was!

You’re not a bad mother for wanting pain relief. You don’t get a big medal if you do child birth without an epidural. Birth fucking hurts.

Now you’ve said that you were detached during the pg and birth, I still think it could be depression, maybe you started with Antenatal Depression which wasn’t picked up?

Can I ask how you are feeding? If bf and you are weaning, it could be the hormonal ups and downs of that. It could also be thyroid issues-very common this length of time after birth.

I wondered at the time if It was antenatal depression, but i was so bloody lazy and apathetic that it seemed too much effort to raise it at my antenatal appointments because I couldn't be bothered to go through all the questions and take extra time off work for what I was sure would just end up amounting to someone telling me 'we'll just keep an eye on you to see how you progress'. I'm not trying to drip feed but I ended up going back to work before dd was 5 months old (she's 7 months now) purely to get a break, I didn't need to financially. This has helped me feel less numb because I can talk to adults about things that aren't baby related and means that I do enjoy our time together more but I suppose has contributed to these conflicted feelings I mentioned at the start because I feel I've wasted her early months wallowing and then have rushed off back to work but at the same time I think it would have spiralled into full blown pnd if I'd stayed at home any longer.

I tried breast feeding for all of 2 days and gave up. I hated it, felt terrible because it was yet another fucking example of me putting myself first, but I just didn't like it. I didn't know babies cluster fed and the prospect of having to book a meeting to be shown how to get her to latch on at 2 days post partum made me sob. So I picked what i percieved as the easy route and switched to bottle.

Please don’t beat yourself up about not Bfing either. It sounds as though you have been woefully under supported.

Have you told your DH how you’re feeling?

I have told my husband, as a result of starting this thread and actually a lot of the support that I've received already which has made me analyse my feelings more. He's very very sympathetic. I think he struggles to understand because to him our daughter is fascinating and he would like to spend every minute with her so doesn't quite get why id prefer to do the bottle washing and tidying etc rather than watch her. But he's never judged me and has said if I feel I need to book a gp appointment he'll go with me.

It’s good that your DH is being supportive. I’d book that GP appointment and take him with you. It’s not like the old days where women were just drugged, the GP is likely to refer you for CBT.

Could DH take her out for a couple of hours tomorrow, maybe swimming and lunch or the library and the park? If you have a couple of hours to yourself, it might help you to cope a bit better.

I know it’s probably a cliche, but have you tried meditation or guided meditation. Yoga, meditation and walks have helped to get me through a pretty rough few months. Are you doing anything that helps you?

I do understand that online it sounds like a gp appointment is what i need but I really don't think it is. Last year my husband had a mental health crisis that I and the gp and some mental health team have supported him through. I was 5 months preganant. He is currently on medication and has recently ended his counselling (successfully, not through deciding he didn't want it) for the time being. He's worked so hard to get better. I am no where near as bad as he was, i feared for his life at the time. I feel that having seen one form of depression and anxiety that self help would be better for me before I start seeing the doctor. I also want my daughter to grow up in a house where at least one of her parents is anti depressants free! I am aware that this may have contributed to my feelings at the time and has had an impact on my current situation and we've spoken about this as a couple and i think dh feels guilt for it which i really dont want. As part of his counselling my husband was taught some meditation and mindfulness techniques, I'll see if he can show me them.

I think you are probably just now trying to process all that has happened and your emotions. I do think a blood test to check thyroid and iron is a good idea (and ask for print out of results, don’t just accept ‘they are fine’ from Gp and ask for a referral to counselling to start talking about all of this and unpicking your thoughts.

Haggisfish I think you're right, I'm not sure what's sparked this off but I'm suddenly coming out of a fug and my emotions are up and down because I keep finding myself thinking over various aspects of being a parent so far (positive and negative). I've found this thread alone very cathartic because it's the first time I've got a chance to get my thoughts down (as well as the text letter) which is why I keep drip feeding, sorry. I'm only just working out what is and isn't relevant I think.

Totally agree with getting those tests done.

It does sound as if you’ve had a rough time, I’m not surprised you’ve had difficulting engaging if you’ve been worried about your DH.

I use an app for guided meditation called insight timer, you can choose how long you want to meditate for and I find it helps me.

In some areas you can self refer for talking therapies and you can find CBT courses online.

It might also be worth talking to your HV.

It’s not drip feeding, it is you just writing your thoughts. It is such an intense change and time of life.

I had had no experience of children either, before my own, apart from the odd lunch. I had never held a baby, talked to anyone under five. It was seriously intense!!

And don’t worry about both of you being on antidepressants. My DM has had mental health problems for years which could well be undiagnosed PND. At all points of my life I’m sure I would have chosen a Mum who actively tried to improve her MH over the Mum I got.