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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I just a really shit parent?

24 replies

AlpineButterfly · 25/10/2018 14:28

Genuine question.
I'm not bothered of ds1 refuses to eat dinner. I don't worry about him getting cold/hot. His language isn't amazing but he's fine - I'm not bothered. Tantrums? Fine, he'll get over it. Won't nap? Ok, I'll put him in the car. He's not sleeping through lately. Probably just a phase.

There's not much that particularly bothers me or impresses me with him. I'm following a similar pattern with ds2.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy my two little people but I'm not exactly incredibly moved by it all apart from when they're both kicking off

For full disclosure,.ds1 had lots of minor.health problems so we haven't beem without our fair share of issues and the boys are 12m apart in age

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raffle · 25/10/2018 14:31

You just sound very laid back.
But what do you mean by nothing impresses you?

gamerchick · 25/10/2018 14:35

Depends on how extreme you are. Are we talking about not putting a coat and shoes on during a bitter winter not bothered? Locking them in the car if they won't nap not bothered? Letting them hurl profanity at people passing not bothered? Run around supermarkets chucking stuff on floors.....

gamerchick · 25/10/2018 14:36

Context is everything

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Original poster

AlpineButterfly · 25/10/2018 14:41

The eldest isn't old enough to hurl profanity just yet thank goodness. I guess stupid stuff like he built a tower. The 'oh wow your tower is awesome' is just so so fake. It's a tower, it's developmentally normal. I'll say it but truth is it's normal. Likewise, his not sleeping properly or refusing to eat veg for a.week is developmentally normal. I just can't bring myself to build up a sweat over it. My friends get excited over stuff like their kid saying 'tractor' or worried about them refusing dinner or throwing a tantrum and I just can't. I worry I don't care enough

OP posts:

gamerchick · 25/10/2018 14:56

Well it is boring and it's easy to take for granted. If they weren't developing normally you would would probably feel differently.

Just remember to praise them anyway when they develop a new skill or do something new. It's old hat to you but it's new and exciting to them. I'm sure you like a pat on the head occasionally or get the good feels when you learn something new or master a new skill.

Refusing a meal or a tantrum isn't a big deal. If it was days and days on end you might get a smite concerned.

llangennith · 25/10/2018 14:57

Yes you could show a bit more interest and enthusiasm towards your kids.

Quartz2208 · 25/10/2018 14:59

yes laid back is fine - nothing impresses is just a bit well off - children do need some praise

Shazafied · 25/10/2018 15:03

Concerned by the not worrying if they are too hot / cold.

InDubiousBattle · 25/10/2018 15:04

I worry I don't care enough

Well do you? Care I mean? You do make it sound a bit like you can't be arsed tbh.

My ds had a few developmental delays, nothing serious in the end but concerning at the time and I did feel genuinely excited when he started to talk and, more recently started to draw people etc. My dd has had no problems at all so I haven't needed to worry about her in the same way, but I still praise her for things she does, if she behaves very well and so on. As gamer says, it's easy to take it for granted when all's well.

user1494670108 · 25/10/2018 15:07

I have a friend who's favourite phrase was "it takes a village to raise a child" while she let anybody present do all the care of her baby son. That ds is now a teen and she is still extremely disengaged, he meanwhile is a rude, selfish, attention seeking adolescent. He is not told off or corrected for swearing, for rudeness, for appalling table manners and diet, he doesn't brush his teeth/ wash regularly the list is endless. Not only is he difficult company, I end up feeling extraordinarily sorry for him as he is left to his own devices.
So, it depends to what extent you're not that bothered, it can go too far both ways

Tinty · 25/10/2018 15:09

Most things fine. Just make sure they don't grow to be rude. Talk to them so they learn to talk. Praise them even if they build a boring run of the mill tower because, you could be the only person to praise them in their life, if everything they do is just ok.

If they never do anything better than other kids at school they will be overlooked, if they never do anything exciting at work they will be overlooked. Wouldn't it be nice if at least your DM and DF said I am proud of you whatever you do? At least they will have someone who cares about what they do even if some other kid did it better.

3ChangingForNow · 25/10/2018 15:10

How do you feel in yourself otherwise?

GreenDinosaur · 25/10/2018 15:33

I'm guessing you were one of those people who got pregnant either by accident or very easily with no effort and have no idea how incredibly lucky you are to have two healthy children.

Original poster

AlpineButterfly · 25/10/2018 16:04

I praise them. I feed them. I dress them. I wash them. I enjoy them as people. We go and pick fruit from the supermarket as a treat, we spend half an hour watching the pigs at the farm eat lunch. It gets cold, I stick a vest on them and an extra blanket and worry no more, it's hot,.I.take a layer off and can't do.any more.

I don't think I'm negligent. I just can't worry about what I can't control.

Fwiw I had one late loss and ds1 was very poorly (although minor) and in hospital for 4.5 weeks from birth. He has had health problems ever since,. although minor they do impact. I do recognise that children are a gift. I just can't summon the angst. I worry that means I don't care enough

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KoshaMangsho · 25/10/2018 16:20

I know this is trotted out too often but could you be depressed? It seems like you are skimming through life without truly enjoying it. No you don’t have to praise every tower built but the incredible brain development needed for a once poorly boy to build a tower (mother of an ex preemie here btw) is indeed praiseworthy. Developmentally it may have taken him more than other kids. Similarly one of my kids is less physically able than the other. So I praise for what doesn’t come naturally to him.

I also praise for making an effort. Even as babies. My little one went to preschool with no complaint and a big smile. After a couple of settling in weeks that’s a huge effort from him requiring maturity and will be praised a lot.

What happens when DS is ill? How do you feel and cope? Do you feel as detached?

InDubiousBattle · 25/10/2018 16:21

Your posts just sound a bit.....flat(?)op. A bit joyless and perfunctory. Do other things get you more excited?

TheBrilloPad · 25/10/2018 16:23

I don't think your posts sound flat OP, just more like you don't sweat the small stuff. If your child had serious medical issues and you had a late loss too, I'd say it's more likely that you just aren't phased by the tantrums/not eating stuff, because it's so minor in the scheme of things, and not worth getting worked up about.

Xuli · 25/10/2018 16:32

I don't think you sound depressed. Laidback, yes, but not depressed. You're probably right in saying that if he doesn't eat vegetables for a week it's hardly the end of the world. And while we all cheer on the towers they build, really, they aren't that exciting.

If it makes you feel any better as a parent, tomorrow is DS's 2nd birthday. I have bought him just two "new" presents, and one of them is from a charity shop. His main present is DD's toys from the loft that we will get down for him. I haven't remembered to get him any cards. I definitely haven't organised a party. He'll be at his childminder all day where he will have a party once his older sister is home from school, and then we will drive off on holiday in the evening.

My FB feed is full of the friends I have made with toddlers the same age throwing parties and buying lovely presents. I can't bring myself to be much bothered by tomorrow because he has no idea what day it is. I'll save the birthday angst for a year when he actually knows it is his birthday and will enjoy, rather than be bemused by, what is happening around him.

Doesn't mean we love him any the less.

Original poster

AlpineButterfly · 25/10/2018 16:35

I guess life these days isn't exactly fun. I have 2u2 with no childcare and work evenings plus dh works full time and studies so I have the boys on my own 13/14 days.

Like I said though it's nice to go look at the pigs and what not and I like my two little people. I just don't seem to angst like my friends. One was saying she does planned activities for her boy. Another was worrying whether her boy would be cold and what to.put him in overnight. I literally don't think about anything like that. I really struggle to empathise with it. I feel.i should care more

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InDubiousBattle · 25/10/2018 16:49

Maybe I just misunderstood the premise of your post because I don't really see this in my friends etc. I don't really know anyone who would fret over a few poor nights sleep or a toddler refusing vegetables - my friends would see this as pretty much par for the course with toddlers. Most would be concerned with patterns of behaviour or long term issues but not the things you mentioned. They wouldn't worry me and i've had significant anxiety issues.

I plan activities with my two, if I see an event on at the library or whatever. I threw a little party for mine when they were 2, 3 and 4, I'm not sure that makes me particularly angst ridden (and I very much have it in me to be very, very angst ridden).

colditz · 25/10/2018 17:26

Mumsnet attracts anxious parents who want Everything To Be Correct, so if you are taking your cues from Mumsnet, it can make you feel a bit shit about whether you are worrying enough.

However, research shows that babies and children NEED to see a happy smiling face and NEED pleasant interactions with their main care giver. As long as you're not flat with them, I'm sure they're fine.

reallybadidea · 25/10/2018 17:30

Do you ever worry about them?

Sleeplikeasloth · 25/10/2018 17:31

It's fine not to angst. I'm a very laid back (though enthusiastic) parent. Getting a bit hot or cold won't kill them, doesn't mean I'll let them out in a vest in the snow, or get burnt. Sometimes it seems like everyone is lying awake at night thinking something bad is about to happen, but it's also perfectly normal to be a relaxed and confident parent.

I do think you sound a little down and flat though.

Original poster

AlpineButterfly · 25/10/2018 18:02

I've not had a fun week eldest is cutting three molars at once and has an ear infection and little one is teething but not sure if he's cutting

Maybe it's the people I'm mixing with.

I don't particularly worry about them, I guess. But then they just seem like normal little ones. The last time the eldest was very sick was worrying but he had an unidentified infection and was at risk of sepsis and had cellulitis around the infection as antibiotics weren't working. It took four courses of antibiotics to fix him. That was concerning but then we were day patients in the hospital every day so I wasn't freaking out or anything.

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