My paranoia has just caused a major ruckus with my 4 year old.

[colditz]

I feel so bloody guilty, but at the time I didn't see what else to do.

He wanders off, to put it mildly. And today is market day in my town, and he wandered off to put some rubbish in the bin.

But I totally over reacted, and told him he had to wear the wrist strap - which I do use if we are having a bad day when he won't stay with me.

And when he started screaming NONONO I grabbed his hand and tried to make him put it in the wrist strap.

He absolutely threw one. And I just didn't know what to do.

I tried for about 45 seconds to get a wrist strap onto the wrist of a screaming and furious child, then I stood up, flounced off and left him with my mum.

He is 'borderline', according to the Ed Psych, whatever the f**k that means. Seems to mean 'deal with it'.

Later, after he and I had calmed down, we had a cuddle, I apologised for accidently hurting his finger (although I genuinely think his flailing did that, not me, because I really was careful) and he agreed to put the wrist strap on.

I KNOW I handled that really badly. I KNOW my paranoia caused the whole thing, really. But I also know just how lost a child who wanders can get, and I am in a permenant state of fear that he will just shoot off. I try not to use the wrist strap, but if he is having a wandery day, I have to.

I want to jack this in, I want to go back to work, I am failing badly at this and sometimes I feel I am doing more harm than good. I feel so lost with him sometimes I just want to shake him and scream (although I never would), leave them both with a child minder, and gety a 60 hour a week job. I dread interacting with him, he moves so much, he once knocked over 17 drinks in a day and I was just sobbing by bedtime.

I know I'm a shit, try not to leap on me, tell me what I need to do.

Try not to feel to bad, you only lost it because you love him and you are worried about losing him. I've not really got any decent advise, but you're not a shit.

But I am screwing this up royally. I don't know how to do it right. I have always had it fixed in my head that you never back down to children - but I should have backed down for a while today. And it took my mum, who God bless her and keep her I try not to emulate, to point that out.

DD2 is 3 and always wanders when we go shopping and I am forever losing it. I don't have a wrist strap (keep meaning to get one) and she will scratch or headbut my hand when I make her hold it.

You are not a shit you love your son and you want to keep him safe. Did you tell the Ed psych how you feel?

Oh Colditz...poor you. He sounds really exhausting. I don't have any experience of this but have a friend who has a very demanding (don't know how else to put it) child.
It doesn't sound as though you did much wrong apart from the initial 'over-reaction'. You identified what you had done wrong and you put it right afterwards. I lose my patience quite often and then think how I could have handled a situation better. I know I am not a super-patient person and someone else may handle a certain situation differently but that doesn't make you us ogres.

Learn from it and move on....don't beat yourself up about it. You're not failing him - you obviously care a great deal.
It may not be the answer but what about going back to work part-time? Is that do-able? It would give you some time to be yourself, reflect a little and it might be good for him too.

I have a job interveiw next week - I will hardly be breaking even even if I do get the job but I am going insane here.

and it's a good job for me and I want it.

But more than anything, I want to get out of the house. he starts school in september and i seem to be the only person who isn't weeping and wailing about because I can't wait.

I'll miss ds2 while I am at work, but, although ds1 is the child I have always felt a stronger bond with, I don't think I am going to miss him

Sounds like it would be healthy for you to have a break at work!

FWIW, I don't think this was as bad as you think it was. It was an understandable reaction given the history he has of wandering! I do think you've identified the thing that you can change from now on which is that you CAN and should back down when you're in the wrong. i know that lots of people think you shouldn't where children are concerned but I honestly think it's far better to just be honest with them and say sorry, you made a mistake.

And lots of people are counting the days to when the kids start school - it won't just be you at all. Don't forget, people lie!

I feel for you. You seem to be punishing yourself a bit harshly here; you're their loving mum and that's what they need more than anything, anyway.

Colditz, your OP made me cry.

You are not a shit. You are not failing. You made a mistake. No big deal. We've all done that. Please don't beat yourself up over it.

Go for the job. I hope you get it, and that it will help you find a bit of balance in your life.

colditz my dd is next door to a saint most of the time, but i still found myself hissing at her 'if you don't stand still we will go and sit in the car without any food' half way round the supermarket this morning. she just wanders off, often into other people, their trolleys, tries to go through 'staff only' doors, and stands staring at the trolleys heading towards her! drives me mad. i think you walking off was GOOD - gave you both time to think. and you are not the only mother in need of a break or looking forward to it - just about all of us long for some adult company and the chance to have a few pre-baby like hours. it means you're a rational human being who has a brain.

I feel so so bad with myself, and I can't help wondering how much of his wandering I have indirectly caused myself, by never letting him wander around.

He seems happy enough now, but we will see 2 hours after he goes to sleep, because usually when he has a paddy in the day, he has a night terror that night.

only read your OP colditz but this stuff happens to me all the time.

I am premenstural and tired and was a bitch to ds 7yr over him not hurrying up to write a birthday card and snatched it and did it myself and it escalted into a full scale tears row with him screaming and sulking.

All my fault I feel bad but it is part of how it goes.

Don't be cross with yourself. no-one is a perfect mummy all the time - I am hardly ever one!

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colditz, you, worst case scenario, you misjudged the situation and had to try a new strategy. That is all. That is part of being a parent, learning. PLEASE don't beat yourself up here.

But really-I have done this, I have felt like this, and neither of my kids are seeing Ed Pyschs, so you sound like you are doing seriously better than me

can you do anything to take more care of you? Can you eat lots of chocolate and watch tv or something? Seriously?

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colditz - I could have written your OP when ds2 was that age. With one exception - I did shake him and scream at him. He drove me mental, honestly, some days I think I truly hated him. That sounds dreadful, I know it does, but it's the plain truth. He had night terrors, I was often up with him at all hours - it really told on me.

Don't be hard on yourself. Take the job if it's what you want and need. Is it full-time? Could you find something part-time for a balance between the two?

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Thanks everybody.

I have had a pint of bitter and reaffirmed my Vow To Be A Better Parent.

You really helped me earlier.

I was right, he did just have a night terror. not a long one though, thank God.

colditz, i think me and you have crossed paths before our 4 year old children. (tis msD). i have given up with reins and wrist straps, but i seem to be able to keep an eye on her wandering somehow, and she very rarelt wanders far now. i do seem to shout out her name every minute or so, and with her constant drone of noise i know i can see OR hear at all times.

she is also a constant mover, today she almost sent sparklys MIl flying just by walking into the room and bashing againts things. i need to get a tape recorder with 'watch out, be still, no not there, argh' recorded on repeat.

can you get a break at all? dont worry about being thankful he is going to school in sept, dd2 went full time at nurswery in january and i visably exhaled as i knew it would release some strain at home and keeping an eye on her constant movements and bashing into things.

dd1 aged 4 is a constant mover too and a wanderer. She dances around constantly into people around town, in shops anywhere. She cannot walk in a straight line quietly without fuss. She constantly talks at the top of her voice and cannot sit still either.

I hate hate hate taking her anywhere because she wont hold my hand and will scream at me if I try and dp wont take her anywhere as he nearly lost her in town a few weeks ago

As much as I love her she wears me down to the point of losing it and I have screamed at her in town and I am ashamed to say sworn at her (but not in town)which reduces us both to tears.

She has night terors too after bad days.

You are not alone colditz. I really hope you get this job as it sounds like you need a break. I found I could cope when I was working, it was having adult interaction that kept me going.

Oh and I love mine when they are in school. I couldn't wait for both mine to start school and no doubt I will be the same with dd2

He is much happier today, wandering about outside with a mate and digging into the fruit bowl!

In the garden, btw, before I get pounced on!