New baby

[an1997]

Hi, my baby is one month old and I'm not coping. I still don't feel like I love him and can't help but think I've made a huge mistake all the time. I'm young and worried I've ruined my life by having this baby. I thought I was going to be a natural at mothering and I'm not. I don't know what to do most of the time, im terrified of leaving the house and rely far too much on my mum. I live at home and have impacted and ruined the whole family dynamic with my selfish mistake. I'm not with the father anymore and have had constant hassle since the baby was born about custody which has put stress on my family as well. I feel so guilty for doing this to my baby and family, he's such a good baby and I know that so many people would feel so lucky to have him and be much better parents to him. I don't know what to do anymore

Hello, I had to comment. It's really sad you feel this way, could you have pnd? Maybe you are so worried about how much stress you've put on your family that you can't love your baby? You need to talk to your midwife and see what support you can get. I have a toddler and I found the first couple of months hard but I adore him more than anything. There is no rule book for mothers and it's the toughest job ever

Hi, I have massive sympathy with how you feel, you don't have to feel guilty that does sound like you've had alot going on and it's one of the most stressful times a woman can have anyway. Try and be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes, a lot of women struggle in the same way they just don't have the courage you do to be honest and admit their struggle. I'm currently pregnant with my first, I'm 27 so not too young really and I've always said I wanted a baby and loved children but now the reality is I do worry it isn't the right time and it feels like a burden in my life then I feel bad because I know that isn't the baby's fault, stay strong and her help if you can. Midwife and health visitor will have heard it all and worse before so don't worry about judgement xx

I echo the pp thoughts, speak to your midwife or hv. I have a nearly 3 month old and still don't feel that overwhelming love people talk about. It's getting there slowly. Apparently it can take a while.
You'll get there op, talk to someone In "real life" about how you're feeling.

OP, I had my very much planned and wanted baby in my mid 30s and I still felt the same way as you when she she arrived.

The newborn days are hidieous in my opinion. Speak to your health visitor, give her a text or a ring and say you are struggling and please can she pop round for a chat.

Try the app Mush for meeting others Mums in your area. It helps to speak to people who are the same boat.

As for bonding, it is not normally instant. I found wearing a sling helpful.

Speak to your HV op.

You'll find it's more common than you think not to bond instantly with your baby. Just people don't tend to go around talking about it for fear or judgement.

Don't wait until you're next due to see her either send her a text or give her a ring ASAP. I'll think you'll feel better when you get it off your chest and she'll be able to support you. As pp have said you won't be the first person to have this conversation with her.

Thanks for your replies. I just don't want her to think I'm a bad mum and with this custody battle with my ex I don't want them to think he'd be better with the baby than me.

Your HV absolutely will not think you're a bad mum, I'm sure of it. It's very common to have some difficult feelings, and the very fact that you are worrying about the impact that could have on your baby and reaching out for support means you are a good mum! Any conversation you have with her should be confidential too so won't effect custody.

Great that you get lots of help from your mum. It's still really early days and you should take all the help you can get. I think it would be near on impossible to care for a newborn with no help. I've been very reliant in help from my partner, and in first couple of weeks my mum too. My partner is away for the weekend when our baby is 2 months and I've asked my mum to come and stay. We all need to rely on help, no shame in that.

Can totally relate to you thinking you'd be a natural and finding it hard. I'm a FTM but work with babies so thought it'd be easy! My LO is 5 weeks, and I've found it so much harder than I thought and so many times like I have no idea what I'm doing. As much as I'm experienced with other people's babies the 24/7 thing and the responsibility of your own is a whole different ball game, plus they're all different I've spent a lot of time googling and loitering on MN and have come to the conclusion it's totally normal not to know what to do with your first! And I haven't had all the other stress you have but have found these first few weeks hard (it is getting easier).

Please don't feel bad about how you feel, or about needing support. Speak to your HV about how you feel (and your mum if you haven't already and can). Accept all the help you can get and go easy on yourself.

Don't feel bad OP. Please text your HV which will get the ball rolling. It's very common to feel this way - emotions and hormones are all over the place. My LO is 7 weeks and whilst I generally feel okay, I was having a little cry tonight at how things/life has changed and how quickly time passes. There are ups and downs every day. Speak to someone. Hugs.

Thanks so much for all of your lovely replies, you've all made me feel that little bit better. I spoke to family about it yesterday and am planning to try and speak to me health visitor about it soon.

How was today OP? Do you feel any brighter? X

@FedUpEffedOff I feel a lot better today thank you!😊 I managed to get out for lunch with my family and then went on a walk just me and baby which was a massive goal for me that I've been far too scared to do. I think for now it's just a mix of good days and bad days depending on my hormones and sleep X

Amazing. The walk will have helped and having daily goals like that is really positive. But equally, duvet and snuggle days with baby are just as good. Don't feel pressured into doing too much. All the best 

This is really normal, my lo is a year now and it wasnt until around 10-11months that I started to feel those 'motherly' feelings that I expected. Ben folgles wife did a really good podcast (sorry cant remeber what its called now) about first time motherhood and it discusses these thoughts and this time really well and realistically, its really worth a listen while your baby is sleeping, I had an 'ah ha' moment listening to it, realising I wasnt alone and that our experience is common. Do speak to your HV though as its vital you have support through this very difficult adjustment and she can be aware of pnd. Good luck, it all comes right at some point xx