How to decide whether to have a second child?

[onechildortwo]

I have one DD aged 2.5. I'm really torn on whether to have another child.

I'm really not sure how to make this decision. Have others been in my position and how did you decide in the end?

The pros are:

• overall, I enjoy being a mum to DD and I think she's really enriched my life. I hated the newborn stage but from four months onwards the good times have far outweighed the bad and I'm really happy.
• DD will have no cousins. So unless she has a sibling, she won't have any close family of her own age as she gets older.
• We could easily afford it with some careful budgeting. I have an excellent maternity package in my current role so would be able to take 1-2 years out after a second baby, possibly longer.

Cons

• I hated pregnancy, and I feel sick just at the thought of going through the first trimester again. I genuinely don't know how I'd cope with it now I have a toddler.
• I had a relatively straightforward birth but then retained placenta and serious PPH which was traumatic. I really would rather not have to give birth again.
• I found the first three months awful, such a shock to the system and I didn't enjoy it at all. We had an absolute nightmare with breastfeeding and I definitely don't want to go through that again.
• In the longer term, we'll have more financial freedom if we just have one child which means more options might be open to us e.g. private school for DD
• I'm scared to rock the boat. DD is a wonderful child, I love our current life, I have a good work/life/family balance and I don't want to throw a huge spanner in the works.

DH is also on the fence but I think ultimately would go with whatever I want to do.

Help!

I had a dreadful birth and horrible time breasttfeeding .... I have a 10mo dd and am 13 weeks pregnant with dc2. The sickness stopped about 10 days ago thank goodness , it was hard but it really didn’t feel like very long. My DH has to help more and I’m afraid there was the odd afternoon where DD got a bit of Little Baby Bum on YouTube , but you will manage. I’m having an ELCS this time and will give BF a try but if I’m not enjoying it I will stop much much sooner this time and won’t feel a stitch of guilt!

It will be tough financially but I really wanted DD to have a sibling. My siblings mean a lot to me and I know they are always there for me - not all siblings get on of course , but I personally wanted dd to have someone when I’m not around anymore !

I think you would adjust to having another and I’m hoping that going from 1-2 is not as hard as going from 0-1 !!

In terms of finances, it’s hard to advise ... we couldn’t afford private school / posh holidays etc anyway so I suppose that made the choice easier. My gut feeling is that having a sibling is worth more than these things, but again that’s just me.

Tbh im a bit scared about having a 16mo and a baby but I’m going to accept all the help I can get, hopefully have a more positive birth and not drive myself mad with feeding. I’ll be putting other strategies in place to stay sane , eg I might get a cleaner for a little while or (if desperate and dc2 is bottle fed) get a night nanny for a couple of nights a week.... just ideas I have at the moment in order to hopefully enjoy being a mums .... and after that I’ll just have to cope !!

I know the early days are vvv hard but it doesn’t last long in the grand scheme of things.

Not sure if that helps you or not ! X

I am pregnant with my second child and i absolutely hate pregnancy .

I suffer from hypermesis when pregnant its awful but with medication it can work.With the right medication although it will be tiring it will be worth it at the end.

If breastfeeding didnt work for you then dont breastfeed dont feel guilty.Formula is there for people for a reason

I also waited till my daughter was way past the potty training stage to make it easier big gaps are no big deal.We decided to have a second as my other half and i both remember how nice it was to have siblings.Not only that but after my own mother died i have my sister to support me.Having a sibling for our daughter i feel like is a very nice gift for her.

We go camping each summer together and save up for bigger holidays every few years.It would pretty much be the same with another.

But what ever you decided just understand its your choice do what you feel is best for you

I had a second because my 1st dc had no cousins and I wanted him to have family to grow up with. My two are now 5 and 2 and their relationship is so great. Watching them run around together is the best thing.

We're in a similar boat. DS is 2.5 and has no cousins and we've tentatively planned to try for baby 2 next year.

But I worry about upsetting our happy family now and about reliving the awful newborn stage. I had a good pregnancy and an alright birth, so I'm not worried about that side of things.

I was a lonely only child for a long time, DH had lots of siblings who fought constantly. So neither of us are trying to recreate a perfect childhood.

For me it's a gut feeling based on my whole life's experiences and so I'm not sure there's any one sentence that will convince you either way. Im apprehensive but I envisage our future family being bigger and so does DH.

Maybe the next newborn will be easier eh? 

I have one dd and I won’t be having anymore. I’m like you, found the baby stages really really tough and I honestly can’t do it again. I’m enjoying dd more every day as she learns new things and every day becomes easier. I’ve got childcare and work sorted, we’re in a routine, I’ll be able to afford private schooling when dd is old enough.

I just think she would have to give up so much to welcome a (currently) imaginary sibling. There’s no guarantee they’d be close all their lives, so not sure if it is worth it for the hope she has a close sibling.

Thank you for all the thoughts. It's been so helpful to read them.

I really feel very 50/50 about it at the moment. I think if there were a way to ensure a good pregnancy/birth, that would be enough to swing it in favour of TTC another. But obviously there are no guarantees and as things stand, it's really hard to imagine going through all that again. Like a PP I don't mind a bigger age gap so I guess I still have a bit of time to make a decision.

Could have written this myself. My DD 21 months and i deliberate daily about number 2!

Have no family near by so no cousins is really one of the things pushing me towards number 2. I just have no desire otherwise though - despite a great pregnancy and birth - I’m just so happy with dd and no desire to rock the boat either. My dh works away a lot and I do worry 2 might be a bit much for me - send me from the happy, devoted mum I feel I am now to a stressed, over stretched cranky one!

I do worry though that I don’t always look far enough into the future - ie I look at the next few years (which would be tough) but maybe not the years later.

I think there are pros and cons to both.

A lot of people recommend putting yourself in the situation that you get a positive test and see how you feel? Excitement? Disappointment? Your gut reaction might tell you a lot...

Best of luck with your decision.

I am currently 21 weeks pregnant with DC2 - DC1 is 4. We couldn't decide if having another was the right thing for us.....but fate has decided and one more is on the way.

I had terrible PND with DC1 and I'm petrified of it happening again, I pretty much hated months 2-7, until i went back to work, we also had similar feelings re: Finances etc.

I really wish we hadn't left it so long, as I feel we are starting all over again.

I do worry about things like PND. I don't think I had it when DD was tiny but I think I came close. I worry about how I'd cope with two young children.

On the other hand, I do think that having gone through the baby stage once before I'd be much more prepared and realistic the second time around. For example I probably would still try breastfeeding but if it didn't work out I'd have no issues switching to formula straight away (how I wish I had done that the first time round!)

I suppose there isn't a right answer and we will just have to go with our gut feeling. Last night DD slept through for twelve hours and we've just got through potty training...so I am leaning more towards not wanting to rock the boat!! But as a PP said I think I need to try and think a bit more long term at the future pros/cons of a second rather than just focusing on the baby stages.

Pregnancy, birth and the first 3 months etc are short term so I wouldn't let that stop
You. Plus if you know you don't want to breastfeed again you could make that decision from the outset.

A lot of people find it easier second time around!

What you have to remember is every pregnancy/birth/baby is different, what you found to be so hard first time round might not even appear second time around.

My mum had three of us and deeply regrets not having a couple more and because of this I've decided that I will have another(to reach the number I've always wanted) because I don't want to live with that regret, I also had easy/hard pregnancy/birth/baby's but it's not forever and it soon passes by.

I think the social side of your pros is a red herring - there is no guarantee that it will solve it.
Pregnancy is different for every baby - you have done it before and you seem aware of your health and complications. Babydom and pregnancy is only 2-3 years ... in the grand scheme of things not that long but feels forever !

@onechildortwo - there is a good Facebook group - one and done on the fence. Lots of people on same page as yourself!

One of the (many) things I’ve read on the topic of one child families is that sometimes we feel guilty for depriving our current child of an ‘insta sibling’ ie - the best friend, the one they will play with to the end of time, adore etc. You have to be prepared that this may not be reality. So for someone like me - who’s really main driver for another is a sibling - this is a big risk! I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t regret having another but I’d hate to look back and think I really should have stuck with one. Like you, we’ve settled into a great life with dd, things getting easier again, dh and I do a great job of sharing things now, can tag team etc. I worry we’d get so much less of this with 2. Although maybe only for the first few years?? It’s so hard!! Round in circles I go!

Thanks for the tip fivefootoffun! Off to join that group right now...

One thing I didn't mention in my first post is that my (only) sibling is severely disabled. Of course we love him to pieces, but there's no doubt it isn't what my parents bargained for when they had a second child, and I'm sure it is influencing my decision and making me more cautious.

I totally know what you mean about life getting easier as well. I am really happy at the moment and I am very worried about rocking the boat.

UPDATE

I remember when we were making our decision, I used to read similar threads and wonder what happened in the end. So I thought I'd come back with an update!

We deliberated for a while longer and eventually decided to try for another about six months after I started this thread. I'm so glad we did. DD2 was born at the start of this year and is a total delight. The birth was great, the newborn phase was manageable (a stretchy sling made all the difference) and DD1 loves being a big sister. She's 4 now and has adapted so well, almost no issues at all.

It's a shame that lockdown happened as mat leave hasn't been quite what I hoped.
But I even find myself contemplating a third child sometimes so who knows, maybe I'll get to do it all again sometime (with my sensible hat on, we almost certainly won't have a third, but never say never )

Thanks for the update! I also read threads like this and wonder what happened in the end. I've just had DC2-10 weeks now and finding it tough so love hearing positive stories about enjoying having two kids.

@Tonic54 what's your age gap? I do remember 10 weeks being pretty tough (the adrenaline and novelty had worn off a bit), it did get much easier. Hang in there.

@onechildortwo it's 2years 2months so always knew first year would be hard, (just not this hard)! Think the hot weather and covid don't help either.

Hello OP - thanks for the update! SO glad you went for it and don't regret it