Sharing the load at night with newborn

[Gizzymum]

I'm looking for advice on how my DH and I can share the load at night with my 10wk old DS2. I also have a DS1 who is 17mths old.

Sorry for the long post but don't want to drip feed.

DS2 is ff and has his last feed before bed at 9.30/10pm ish, (which DH does) and has one other feed during the night (anywhere from 1.30-3.30am which I do) and the feed/nappy/resettling takes approx 1hr. He's often quite unsettled after his middle of the night feed so needs lots of resettling.
DS1 sleeps through and wakes at between 6am and 7.30am (the norm is around 6.30-6.45am).

DH gets up for work at 5.15am.
I'm on mat leave.
DS1 is at nursery 3 days a week, and whilst I know I should nap when DS2 naps, during the day he refuses to nap except in a moving pram/car or with me holding him/in a sling, so this isn't possible.
It's the resettling that is causing the issues as DH always seems to expect me to do it (and if it's between 4-5.15 I'm normally happy to so he gets that bit of sleep rather than being up for the day from 4am).

We are both shattered. I spend half my time feeling dizzy and find myself doing stupid things - trying to use oven gloves to open the fridge instead of the oven etc.

The problem arises when DS2 feeds early such as tonight. He fed at 1.30am and I put him back down at 2.30am. At 2.50am he woke up spluttering due to his cold so I'm resettling and it's now 3.15am. As mentioned above I do resettling from 4am, so I'll pretty much have been up since 1.30am (I got to sleep at 10pm) but should get at least 45mins sleep from 5.15-6am as DH takes DS2 downstairs with him when he gets up for work.

Going to sleep earlier isn't an option as DH is home from work at 6pm, DS1 bedtime routine is 6.30-7.30pm, then dinner and then DH has a shower and faffs whilst I hold DS2. We may watch 45mins of TV together.

Any ideas?

I used to go to bed really early and DH would do the later feed and settle DD for sleep then I could get up at 2am ish for the feeding craziness and would have had around 5-6 hours sleep by then anything else was a bonus - I'd also sleep the following day when I could - housework went out the window as unimportant on the grand scheme and we muddled through

It's tough though

Just seen your last paragraph - seems a bit late to feed your child, I'd feed earlier to be honest. Get your DH to shower earlier and eat then after he gets out then get him to settle both children whilst you sleep

Bloodynhell can yo tell I'm not sleeping lol! Get your husband to settle child whilst you make dinner - eat, then you go to bed whilst he sorts kids out

Eat your tea with your child. Prepare hubbys tea so he can eat it when you go to bed after putting your son to bed at 7/7.30.
I bet you have to manage most meals holding the baby? Plus shower when you are also in charge of a baby? So for the next little while your husband can be too. So he can then get sleep overnight while you are up and down.

I agree with PP that the simplest answer is to go to bed early, even if this is ridiculously early and means missing out on your evening time with DH. This phase will hopefully be relatively short and I honestly believe that the big stress on relationships during this time isn't the lack of couple's time, but the lack of sleep. Tiredness transforms into exhaustion and will drive resentment and bitterness.

I also wouldn't change nappy unless it's dirty or soaked through, it unsettled DD way too much in the night. They are made to last 12 hours.

Otherwise, the split seems fair to me. I do all night feedings with DD who was feeding 2/3 times a night until recently .

Oh at nighttime, perhaps dream feed your older child if they can - change their sounds pp said if necessary, but do it while they they sleep if you can ... it's quite easy once you get the knack particularly if you just have them in a popper sleep suit

Sounds = nappy

When my second was little like yours is, I'd go to bed when my first did. Leave the baby downstairs with DH and grab sleep at the beginning of the night. Have DH feel the baby at 10/11pm and hopefully get 8-2 at least.

It felt like we were passing ships in the sea for a while but it's really not for that long. Eventually the baby's bedtime moves to 7pm and they feed less at night. You just have to do what it takes to survive. I wouldn't be going to bed at 10pm and waiting on DH to shower etc. He can take baby in the bouncer with him.

We alternate the night, and did from day 1 (well in the early days we did half a night each). It means we each alternate between a good night sleep (with ear plugs if necessary), and a disrupted night. It means neither of have ever really been tired. Him working doesn't give him the monopoly on sleep.