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Original poster

Am I being silly over leaving DD?

17 replies

Thecaravan · 20/10/2018 19:08

DH and I have been invited to a wedding at Christmas. We live abroad so will arrive home a couple of days before and are staying with his parents. MIL and FIL are desperate for us to go to the wedding and stay overnight so they can have DD who will be 14 months by then. I really don't want to leave her and not sure if I am just being daft. She doesn't know her GPs well as they live thousands of miles away so has met them only twice before. It will mean leaving her for 24 hrs as we're invited to whole wedding. We both work full time and she's in day care so am used to leaving her all day every day. I just feel really bothered at leaving her for so long with them when she doesnt really know them. Am I being selfish? DH and his mum keep talking about them having her even though I've told him I'm really not sure yet. Can't work out if I'm being irrational or not...

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Echobelly · 20/10/2018 19:14

TBH, yes, I think you are being a bit unfair on ILs. But you need to put your finger on what's bothering you about it, I reckon. Is it that you worry DD will be upset because she doesn't know them and cry and be hard to settle and look after so you think you're imposing and will worry about it at the wedding? Or are you worried about DDs potential unhappiness in itself and worry about it? Is it you're worried they won't know what to do, or will do things with DD that you don't want to re: bed, feeding etc. I think you need to pin it down, and try to get over it, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Either way, honestly this is a great opportunity for DD to get familiar with ILs. If you're worried about what they'll do with DD, remember they have bought up kids, they will remember what to do. If there are things you really don't want them to do (eg in what they give her to eat), then tell them. But take advantage of this opportunity for you to go to the wedding, and DD to know her grandparents.

lulu12345 · 20/10/2018 19:26

Personally no I don't think you're being silly at all! I didn't leave my son overnight with anyone other than DH until he was about 2. Even though he was in a nursery full time from 8 months when I went back to work. Maybe that was part of it.. I wasn't seeing much of him as it was so wanted to be together as much as possible when off work. Now with my daughter I'm even worse but that's coz she's still bf so I can't be away from her for too long even though she's 10 months old now.

Trust your gut on this and do whatever you feel is right.

Wallywobbles · 20/10/2018 19:31

I don't understand this to be honest but I think I'm in a minority. I'd be off like a shot. So good for you and and your husband/partner to have 24 hours off as a couple rather than just parents.

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Bellabutterfly2016 · 20/10/2018 20:41

Op I totally get you're worried, I'd be the same and if your going to be stressed out and worried, you wouldn't enjoy yourself anyway.

Can't you take dd with you? Or is it a "no kids" wedding?

I refused 2 invites when my dd was little because it said no kids on both - I find the whole no kids concept weird anyway - weddings how I was brought up were family affairs with everyone going.

1 I was asked to be bridesmaid and all 3 of us asked to be bridesmaids had kids, we all said no, we'll need to bring them - bridezilla got a monk on and none of us went to the wedding or speak to her now which is sad but her own doing as 2 of us were still breastfeeding - she was being unreasonable not factoring that in. Saved me a fortune I'm pleased I didn't waste my money with her being like that!!!!!

The other 1 was another friend who put a sarky note on the invites something along the lines of "we love children just can't eat whole ones" so they just got an instant decline. Interestingly they had a wedding website with a message board and stuff on and lots of the guests declined owing to no children being invited.

I think people get caught up in their own bubble and under estimate how difficult it can be for some parents to find childcare.

Oly5 · 20/10/2018 20:49

14 months is not that young, and she is used to being cared for by people other than you.
If your in laws are loving people, she will be fine and you’ll have a great time with your husband. Let them have 24 hours with their granddaughter

JosellaPlayton · 20/10/2018 20:51

If you arrive a few days before the wedding, so she has chance to feel comfortable with GPs then I’d be fine with this, especially as she’s used to being cared for by others. Go and enjoy the wedding!!

Aprilislonggone · 20/10/2018 20:57

How well does she settle at day care? Gps by name but strangers to your dd really!...

Mishappening · 20/10/2018 20:59

I would not suddenly leave a child of that age with someone they hardly know. If you are able to spend time with child and ILs before leaving then that might be different.

PragmaticWench · 20/10/2018 21:00

Whilst I completely understand you feeling conflicted over this, I'd like to offer a different perspective.

When my friend adopted a child, the foster parents and child came to stay at her house and after a few days of them all being together and learning each other's routines, the foster parents then left. I thought it sounded shockingly quick for a child to get used to a new carer, but this was what the social workers, child psychologist and adoption team were saying works best.

So perhaps you could consider a few days of intense time with you, your child and in-laws together to see if you then all feel comfortable about you going to the wedding? With the proviso that you don't have to go if you don't feel entirely happy?

Cel982 · 20/10/2018 21:01

Of course you're not being selfish, the GPs don't have any particular 'entitlement' to having your DD overnight.

People's comfort with leaving their kids at this age varies wildly, OP; I wouldn't have done it, but mine were breastfed and co-slept so were very dependent on me at night. My sister left hers for a few nights at 9 months and he was fine.

Either way, don't be bullied into something you're not comfortable with, and don't let them gaslight you into thinking there's something strange or needy about wanting to keep your still-small baby close.

barkisworsethanmybite · 20/10/2018 21:03

God no. I’d not be leaving her either.

They are strangers to her and not a play thing for the in laws to ‘have a go with’ whilst you’re away. I’d take her with you or not go.

Original poster

Thecaravan · 20/10/2018 21:10

Thank you all for the replies. She is invited to the wedding so no issues around taking her. I think we'll see how she is with them for he couple of days before and then take it from there. They are lovely lovely people so have no issues with their care of her, more just whether she'll settle with them. She's pretty clingy at the moment but it's not for a couple of months so she could be over me by then!!

OP posts:

bourbonbiccy · 20/10/2018 21:32

I wouldn't be leaving my DS who is the same age, he would be coming with us. Is it possible you can extend your stay and spend a couple of days with his family and let them take the lead with DD for the day, but you are still around if your DD becomes distressed.

Tinkerbell89 · 20/10/2018 21:48

I would also be worried to leave my DD with people she doesn't really know, even if they are family. A long period of time (whole day to evening) could be upsetting and stressful for her if with someone she doesn't know and could cause issues after. Only you can make the decision on it but I'm with you on this one. A different country, unknown family could be a big deal for little one. Plus if they don't know her they may struggle for a whole day on her routine or what she may want or why she's upset. They won't know her well enough either. Is there someone else you could leave her with or go early to give her time to get to know them first? Can you take her to the wedding or adults only? Or alternatively don't go. Only you know what's best for her and you. If you'll be worried leaving her you may not enjoy the day

BendingSpoons · 20/10/2018 21:57

We have left DD who is 2.5 overnight with my parents twice, both times since she turned 2. She is used to spending whole days with my parents and enjoys it. When staying overnight she was completely fine but clingy with us after, so we have limited it. Don't feel pressured to if you aren't comfortable.

Ifihadapoundd · 20/10/2018 22:06

My DS is 3.5 and has never spent a night away. If your not comfortable don't bother. You will not enjoy your self if your worry about you LO.

2lilcherubs · 21/10/2018 10:11

I get this. I had the chance when my lo was 15months to leave with my parents but ended up not doing it. Not because I don't trust my parents but lo had only seen them a handful of times and parents weren't regularly around little children or any children for that matter and I didn't want lo getting upset and not settling and then my parents getting stressed out.

Aww how it goes when inlaws are over and maybe get them to do bedtime etc without you see how lo copes

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