What's the positive parenting approach in this situation?

[BogstandardBelle]

I used a positive parenting approach with both my children when younger - no time outs, no punishments, consequences and boundaries, avoiding shouting and no smacking - and it worked really well, especially with my DS1 who is head strong, strong-willed, prone to dramatics and impulsive. He is definitely an experiential learner - "because I say so" has never worked with him, he needs to work out or experience for himself why he should / shouldn't do things.

He's 11 now, and clearly we need to change our approach somewhat - or maybe we don't?! He plays Fortnite with friends online, and managed to spend 50 euros on v-bucks before we noticed what was happening. When asked about it, he admitted he knew what he was doing, he just wanted them so much that he didn't think about the consequences. He often says he is scared to tell us when he has done something wrong as he's afraid of getting shouted at.

What is the positive parenting way to approach this with an argumentative and hard-done-by tween? DH feels strongly that he needs a should be punished for this, otherwise he won't learn anything and he'll 'just get away with it yet again".

I would go for the natural consequences method, so he has spent the money but needs to realise it needs paying back. That could be all or one of the following:
Cancel something planned that will cost money... Take items of his and sell them to pay you back... He can earn the money to pay you back through chores around house, cleaning car, hoovering etc.
I would also sit down with him and tell him ultimately he has stolen family money and that is unacceptable and how disappointed you both are.
I would also tell him he can't play his console games for two weeks as punishment.

Ah cheers, so we are going along the right lines.

I recently sold some of his old Lego and gave him the money: we will take that back to settle his debt. Plus he’s had the family money / work hard to earn it lecture. And DH has already locked the PS4 so he can’t get back on it until we agree he can: DH and I will work out how long that is.

Can you make it impossible for him to actually spend money on Fortnight too? I can see how this would happen to anyone to be honest - money spent online and in a game can seem like not money at all. Obviously making him pay you back is turning it into money (and I would not be telling DS I could see how it would happen) but presumably you can protect yourselves from a further occurrence?

What are your internet parenting controls?

How did he manage to spend any money? I have the DC's Fires registered to my account and a password set up. I regularly get the request, "Mummyyyyyyy? Can I have 89peeeeeeeee?"

The reason he was able to do it is that he plays Fortnite in DHs account, which has the credit card liked to it for a PS plus subscription. Apparently it can be set that it require a code to approve purchases... which we hadn’t activated, so lesson learned there.

Plus he’s bilingual and plays in French: it all happened in the living room while we were there, I just didn’t pick up in what he was doing. It adds another dimension to what he can get away with!

Mine are younger but could you ask him how he will solve the problem. What would he do if he was the adult witj a job yo teach a child who has behaved like that?

I would insist on the game being played in the language of the parent who's around that day, too. I would want to know what was being said (or at least be able to if I wanted to).

Yeah, that's not so easy when all his school friends are French and don't speak English. I've just had to accept that there are going to be times that I don't totally know what's going on, what he's talking about with friends even in my presence etc. I'm also partially deaf. It's one reason why I am so keen to keep communications between us very open, and I think that positive parenting can help with that.

Positive parenting and using natural consequences as punishment is great when it works. I try hard to follow the principles and find it has a positive effect on me as a parent and in the kids behaviour. It's sometimes hard though as often it takes some thought rather than responding in the moment by shouting. I don't always get it right, but it sounds to me like you are a great mum and hopefully after this behaviour blip he will have learnt more respect for family money and you as parents without it causing more drama than needed.

Bogstandard please put a code on it! You will get nagged a lot every time he wants to spend money, but at least he can't do it without you knowing.

We're long way from this stage here but so far I've found Laura Markham's advice spot on, so this may help: www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/when-preteens-break-your-video-game-rules