How do I deal with these epic preschooler stand offs?

[MoralBeryl]

DD is 3.5 and as stubborn as they come. It's definitely genetic, but super concentrated.

The key point of contention is clothes. At the moment she refuses to wear trousers of any type, socks, tights, hair ties, bands or clips. She's only happy in 4 specific summer dresses and one pair of worn out shoes.

Yesterday she went to a soft play party and it took a 2 hour stand off to get her suitably attired so that she wouldn't end up with friction burns. Today, to get to playgroup, we need to go out in the wind and the rain and she has a thin, short sleeved dress on and will not budge.

So far I've tried:

• refusing to take her out (9 times out of 10 we are going somewhere nice for her). She won't change and I end up stuck inside all day with 2 children under 4.
• taking her out in whatever she's picked in the hope that she'll learn. This backfires horribly and I end up with a screaming child who is cold/ has blisters/ has wet feet. Of course I take alternatives (hidden in my bag) but it's already too late and members of the public make really helpful comments like "oh dear" and "oh bless her" while I'm trying to manage a thrashing 3 year old while pushing my youngest's buggy precariously with one hand.
• taking her out to choose her own clothes. She still refuses to wear them once home.

I am at the end of my tether and have no idea what to do. I've considered some kind of neurological difference, but I don't really believe this to be the case. Nursery are also positive she's just "independent".

She can be really good. She's excellent at going to bed, she plays nicely with other children and she's very funny. I can't say I'm enjoying being her parent right now though 😔

Maybe she doesn't like the feel of seams on socks? They're more comfy turned inside out?

I have a girl the same age. She's very fond of dresses, doesn't like trousers and T. Shirts and can be very stubborn.
I talk it through with her and explain my thinking. "That dress doesn't have arms, you arms will get cold"
Then I offer a compromise "you can wear that dress over the top of a t. Shirt and leggings"
Then, if she's still unwilling, I simply put the clothes on her and wait out the storm.
I think it's genetic as well as I clearly remember walking to school through the snow in bare feet swearing blind I wasn't cold!

It can't be a sensory issue. If her 9 year old cousin is around, she'll wear anything she endorses and will continue to do so all day without complaint.

This is a battle of wills.

OP my two eldest are girls and when they were this age I had them in comfy cotton jersey dresses that could just be pulled over their heads and colorful tights, very easy.

My second dd was very sensitive to anything sratchimg her skin and so as well as dress/tights combo was a soft cotton leggings and long sleeve t-shirt. Again, very soft but thick cotton so she was warm. There’s an American company called Hanna Anderson that has gorgeous cotton clothes that wash really well and the colors never fade and my girls lived in their dresses and leggings FOR YEARS.

For stubborn pre-schoolers.

• My second dd hated having her hair brushed so I had it cut in a cute bob for these early years to keep it simple.
• Have a second outfit in the car that is more suitable for the weather if she won’t cooperate.
• Don’t get into a battle of wills, pick out two outfits and she can choose one, don’t offer her the whole wardrobe.
• Have something fun for her to do that she only gets in the car when she is cooperating, something non messy like those Magic Paint Coloring books. So show it to her but explain she will get it when she is dressed with shoes on and buckled in her car seat.
• They love songs: anything she doesn’t like to do make up a song about it and sing it together while you do it. We had a “washing our hands” song for example and a “tidying up” song “Everybody tidy up! Everybody tidy up!” etc, no need for sophisticated lyrics!!!
• Also dancing, if she gets dressed and cooperates dd and mummy get a quick boogie together with her favourite music.

I also had the “Heart Chart” dd gets heart stickers for the behaviour you want. Make sure she gets rewards quite quickly so keeps motivated. 5 hearts and a pieces of candy, 10 hearts a new book (can be cheap second hand). Then for really big changes, like every morning getting dressed with no complaining after a week she gets to choose something special to do with mummy etc. It takes 3 weeks for new habits to form so you have to keep plugging away.

Find ways to reward her so that your interactions are positive, when she performs the behaviour you want to see give her lavish praise. Try not to give her lots of negative attention, so stay calm, neutral and boring if she does something wrong. Don’t get all emotional and over involved, you don’t want to get into a vicious cycle in only giving her lots of your attention for not cooperating.

Try to move on quickly from a negative interaction and find a way to praise her. Make sure that time with you can also be silly and fun. It can be a problem if other people get to be the fun people and you are just mummy who makes her do things she doesn’t want.

I just want to encourage you as I created the Heart Chart for my 5 year old when she was being a horrible stinker EVERY MORNING! I didn’t really expect it to work and was quite cynical and probably sleep deprived from my two year old. Well my main reason to do it was to create a happy morning and the very first morning she bounded out of bed with no complaining and asked for a heart sticker I was shocked!!!

She still sleeps like a rock and is a night owl and hates leaving her bed in the morning but now she leaves for school at 6:40am with (almost) no complaining at 15!

www.hannaandersson.com/