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Parenting

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Partner makes me feel like I'm doing everything wrong and he feels like he's god his nose shoved out because I'm breastfeeding

6 replies

jadericho · 15/10/2018 08:53

Our son is 5 months old now. I do still feed him on demand but I know when he's feeding for food and when he's just seeking comfort. That's my decision to do that but in my fiancé's opinion I'm 'wrong' to do that because it means nobody else can comfort him. I feel like a terrible mother now because I want our son to be able to be comforted by his dad and our other family and I also feel like a failure as a partner because I've unknowingly been pushing him out. He said no matter what he suggests I always shut him down. For instance, he's adamant we should start weaning him like right now. I know he isn't ready, he's only 19 weeks and he's not quite sitting up by himself yet. But I feel like he's so desperate to take control of something that he's making all these wild suggestions that he can take credit for but they're just not right for him and weaning is a prime example of some of the things he's suggested. He's also took his head support out of his car seat because he's 'out grown it' when he absolutely hasn't. But it's going to cause an argument when he's seen that I've put it back in. So basically we're both really hurt over the things that have been happening. We went for a walk yesterday and he told me how he's been feeling and I listened to him and reassured him that I respect how he feels and we came up with ways that we can help change it. I also sincerely apologised, I had no idea how I'd been making him feel. Yet when it came to me telling him how I feel he immediately shut me down and got the face on with me and got all defensive. I just feel like he's been talking to his family about it all behind my back, his sister in particular whose got a one year old little girl. She was bottle fed though so she doesn't really understand where I'm coming from. So all his family are telling us all these things we 'should' be doing or comparing our son to their kids and i just find it so humiliating because I feel like I'm wrong to nurse him as often as I do. It's just a lot of expectation to live up to and a whole lot of pressure that I don't need. Another instance is that he's been going through a 4 month sleep regression which according to his sister is because he's breastfed, her daughter never went through it because she's bottle fed apparently. I know that's not true. So she and my partner are trying to force me to give him a comforter to sleep with. I do not feel comfortable with having anything in his cot with him. At least not right now, perhaps when he's a bit older. But again, this is because her daughter can't sleep without one. I'm not saying it won't work and I know they're probably only trying to help but like I said I just feel like it's a lot of pressure and I kinda just want everyone to back off with the unsolicited advice and opinion and let my baby guide me into what he needs, which is what I've been doing since he was born and, until recently, I was fairly content with that. He's settled himself into his own routine, completely baby led and it's perfect for us. So yeah I just feel crappy. I guess I just wanted to rant, I just feel really low and insecure in my mothering skills now and like a failure as a partner. :(

OP posts:
mindutopia · 15/10/2018 09:12

Why can’t he comfort him then? I have a 7 month old who is bf, but an older dd who was ff. My dh couldn’t feed our younger one, but he could definitely comfort him just the same as the older one. He gives cuddles, wears him in a sling, does his bath, takes him out for a walk, takes him to do things like go to the store or to the playground (I just feed him before they go).

And what babies eat is such a small part of how well they sleep. My bf baby sleeps so much better than my ff one ever did. It’s just because they’re different babies. It sounds like he just needs to get stuck in a bit more and gain some confidence as a dad rather than trying to knock what you’re doing well. The great thing about bf is it’s one among many tools for settling and bonding and it’s great you can use that (no one wants to be awake walking in circles for two hours with a crying baby who has finished his bottle but isn’t ready to settle yet!). But it doesn’t mean your partner can’t be creative with figuring out his own ways of doing things to comfort him. Everyone else can just butt out because it’s not their baby and they aren’t the ones doing it. I suspect your partner doesn’t actually want to be the one up all night if he’s bottle fed and you’re sharing the nights 50/50? If he wants to help, he can get up and do any early mornings while you go back to bed after a feed.

user1471462428 · 15/10/2018 09:19

Yes I’d echo the above poster my formula fed baby is a worse sleeper than his breast fed sister. And because he gulps his bottles I cannot feed him to sleep!!
Could your partner do the night time routines massage, bath or story and you do the feed.
My partner was in charge of putting our daughter down for naps, bedtimes and her daily walk when he was at home.

SputnikBear · 15/10/2018 09:23

I intend to feed my baby to at least 1 year, plus as long as he wants to continue after that. Trying to force you to stop feeding at 5 months because DH is jealous is mean and selfish. There’s nothing wrong with a baby having comfort from feeding from his mother, he’s still only little. My DH whinges about the same thing - baby will only be comforted by breastfeeding. Well it’s tough, that’s the way babies and mothers are biologically designed to work.

The other issues go beyond jealousy though. Your DH is actually putting your baby in danger. Taking the headrest out of the car seat before it’s necessary. Ignoring safe sleep guidelines and trying to make your baby sleep with a comforter that could suffocate him. It’s negligent and unsafe.

You need to protect your baby even if it means falling out with DH. Don’t let him stop you feeding or risk your baby’s safety.

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fuzzywuzzy · 15/10/2018 09:29

I bottlefed my first dc and ex had absolutely nothing to do with comforting her or parenting her at all. I also found bottlefeeding hard and she had reflux and was so so so unhappy.

I breastfed subsequent DC.

My youngest is still bf she’s 16 months and utterly her daddies little girl, which I’m jealous about having done all the hard work he’s the one she goes to for comfort and play and cuddles.

I exclusively bf till over seven months as she wasn’t interested in weaning before then. DP is very hands on and has been very involved in her parenting from the first. He’s better at soothing and calming her than I am, he’s way more patient and and it shows in their relationship.

There’s more to bonding then just breastfeeding, DP would give her skin to skin and cuddle her and walk around with her during the night when she wouldn’t sleep, he’d bathe her and play with her and interact with her and change her nappies. I wasn’t breastfeeding 24/7!

Your DP is selfish for trying to stop you breastfeeding or force your baby to be weaned earlier than recommended.

MarklahMarklah · 15/10/2018 13:57

What the other posters have already said.
Your partner could bath, soothe, take your son out in a sling, pushchair. He could do nappy changes, playing...
There is plenty he can get involved with.
The head support needs to be put back, and get rid of the comforter.
We used 'grobags' when DD was little. They have arms free, and legs in a sort of duvet. No risks involved.

It sounds more like he is jealous of the attention you are giving to the baby. Keep an eye on that, it's not healthy.

MasterSensei · 15/10/2018 20:42

Your partner is jealous and its showing horribly.
My dd is 5 months, ebf and going through the same sleep regression so yes I'm the only one who can put her to sleep. But she's also teething, my husband sits with her plays, give her cuddles, changes her, songs stupid songs and today I got back from the shops to found him laying on the floor with her reading a book because the floor was the only place she was happy. Just because he can't produce milk does not mean he can't comfort her.
He is being childish and needs to find his own way to be there for his baby.
Please do not let anyone make you feel like you are a bad mother you are doing amazingly and everything you should be!

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