Contraception Debate

[Ella1980]

Hi there

I have two children (8 and 11) who I share care of with my ex-husband. I am due to remarry April 2020 and my fiance has also been married before. He has no biological children of his own as sadly his ex-wife had health complications which meant this wasn't possible.

I made it clear from the very start of our relationship that it probably wasn't going to be the case that I would like any more children. He was fine with that. I'm 38, work full-time and am the main breadwinner. We don't have friends and family that can help out with childcare. We also don't have much money so can't afford a mortgage atm-have been renting a small two-bed for over five years.

I am on the pill but it's not agreeing with me, giving me breakthrough bleeding and hormonal anxiety issues. Today I wanted to discuss with fiance even the possibility of a vasectomy but he is not willing under any circumstance. He argues that as I am the only one not wanting a baby it is my responsibility to prevent it.

Thoughts please! ☺

Ella x

I'm with him on this for the reason he stated. Seems like he's gone with your wishes. It's not to say he should have sex unresponsibly but a vasectomy is a big deal, especially for someone who has no biological kids.
Can't you consider other methods of contraception?

Possibly, was thinking about the coil? I just don't understand how he could think that having a baby in our circumstances would be even remotely a good idea?

His body, his choice as realistically you could break up tomorrow and he might want to go on and have children with a new partner.

If hormones are an issue, try the copper coil. I have one. It’s fine. Periods are unpleasantly heavy, but it’s two bad days a month and in exchange for that, I have a non-hormonal contraceptive that will last we til I hit menopause. It’s a minor annoyance rather than dealing with the stress of an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy.

OP, it's not necessarily about him wanting another baby but rather not pretty much closing the door on the option. Coil sounds like a good idea.

I can see where he’s coming from. He wants to leave the door open for children of his own. I’d use this as an opportunity to have a proper cards on the table chat about whether it’s definitely off the table forever.

“Probably wasn’t going to be the case” you’d want more isn’t the same as definitely not ever ever ever. It’s the biggest decision ever and you need to be in the same place before you get married. You weren’t 100% clear on where you were at when you talked about it before and he’s probably taken aback that you’ve suggested permanently ending his fertility.

My dp and myself have done the baby bit. We are older but contraception is still very much an issue. I have a mirena coil and its not without issue. However i will be having another.

I did ask dp abput vasectomy but he doesnt feel able to do it. Fine. His body hus choice.

You have 2 children and don't want more.
Maybe you should consider sterilisation for yourself?

If you know 100% you don't want any mote children, like pp said why aren't you considering sterilisation?

I'm with your DP on this, no reason why he should have a vasectomy

I think it would be irresponsible of us to consider a baby knowing that a) We can't afford anywhere bigger than a two-bed with two children already despite both working full-time and b) We couldn't afford childcare or for either of us to give up work for any period of time. He'd love the idea of having a baby of his own and I fully understand that, but we have to look at the reality. I haven't ruled out the coil as that would take me easily into the menopause, but what puts me off is that SIL went to have one fitted and they ended up tearing her uterus=emergency surgery!

Thanks all. As some of you suggested, I'm going to explore the option of sterilisation so will make a GP appointment. Not sure what advice will be as close family history of fast-progressing uterine cancer (my mum was diagnosed earlier this year at 62 :( ). Thanks again x