Mother asking my abusive ex partner to move in with her

[Mulmil]

Hi, I’ve never used this before but need to get some balanced feedback because I feel like I am going mad.

My mum split with her ex partner of 18 years 2 years ago and banned the family from having contact with him (grandparent to the kids etc so has been really tough).

I split with my ex partner 10 years ago, he has been pretty consistently vile to me since unless he is getting his own way. He initially had the kids 5 nights in 14 but about 3 to 4 years ago he put it down to 2 nights in 14. He stopped paying maintenance a year ago and to date I have not been to CSA (or whatever it is called now). Despite this he continues to call me unreasonable for asking for any money and it has become so stressful I have stopped asking. If he has the kids more than his allotted 4 nights a month, he says I am a bad mother and I dump the kids on him to do my own thing.

Last night I had a message from my mum saying she is moving her lodger out so that my ex partner can move in (so he can clear his debts caused by drug taking, buying really expensive electronics equipment and generally being hopeless with money which was a major part of why we split in the first place). When we split he declared himself bankrupt and left me with any joint debt to pay along with the mortgage and looking after the kids.

I am absolutely gobsmaked that my own mother would do this. She says she is doing what she thinks is right but to me it’s just given him the green light to be as vile as he wants. He contributes little or nothing to the kids lives (parents evenings etc and we have an autistic son so huge amounts of school meetings which he never attends).

I am so angry and upset not just about the fact she is welcoming him into her home with open arms but also because of the double standards in relation to the breakdown of her own relationship but they both think it’s perfectly normal....

I am also in debt since he stopped paying maintenance and he has no intention of starting to pay again but apparently it’s fine for me to be in debt.

Am I unreasonable???

Go to the CSA.

Go NC with your mum - she sounds a very nasty piece of work.

Only speak to your ex when you absolutely have to - he's another nasty bastard.

as HollowTalk says - your ex is a horrible bastard, but then your mother can't be much better. I'd cut off all contact with the mother if it were me. Go to CSA about money from your ex. What a nasty fucker he is.

Agree with PPs. Also if you've gone along with your mothers wishes re not seeing her ex then I would reach out to him, if he's grandfather to your kids then it's only fair they are allowed contact with each other.

Thanks I have cut contact - I thought her babysitting for my ex partner on his days was a joke but this has gone beyond all realms of normality. It’s just so disloyal and I am so upset and angry.

Do the kids stay with your mum a lot? I just wonder whether he's going to claim he has them 50% and therefore no maintenance needed when actually your mum is looking after them? It all sounds very messed up, it could be that your mum is vulnerable and has been manipulated by him but your priority must be the well-being of you and your children.

I would be hopping mad.

Go to the cms. If not for you for the children. Your dm wants to help him with his debts . What about you? He is getting on at you for demanding money which you aren’t so it won’t change anything.

I would go minimal contact with him . Don’t ask anything of him or tell him anything else unless absolutely necessary