Friendship problems - I need to hear some rational voices please!

[BillyWilliamTheThird]

DD is 7 and, admittedly, a strong character (obviously I think she is lovely, but...) She's in a class with a couple of other similar alpha female wannabes and one is currently making her life really miserable.

It's petty things - other kid won't let DD use her stuff, but shares with everyone else. Other kid tell the other girls not to play with DD so she is often left out. Of course, being only 7, DD wants to be friends with everyone and, when the other child does allow her to join in, she is über grateful and plays like they're BFFs which, I would imagine, makes it hard for their teacher to spot what's happening. Then, next play time, other child will tell everyone to ignore DD.

On the one hand, I know it's a tough life lesson and DD has to learn that not everyone is always going to like her. She has other friends. On the other hand, she is miserable and tearful because she feels like all her old friends have abandoned her for the other child. We've tried to invite the other child round for tea a couple of times, but her parents have dodged it and made excuses, so I guess they're not keen on us either. They did come to DD's birthday party last month though...

To make matters more awkward, DH is a TA in the classroom. Whilst he's obviously not 100% objective, he gets to see a lot of what's going on.

I need (a) you all to tell me not to follow my crazy tiger instincts to barge into school demanding a meeting with the head and the other parents and accusing all and sundry of bullying and (b) to share what you've done in similar situations please. What do I tell I sobbing 7 year old DD who thinks she's useless because no one that she really cares about wants to be her friend any more?

She needs to find other friends, tell her not to play with this girl and her friends. I have a friend who's dd is like this and has been picked up and dropped all through primary school. Every week they would let her join the group and then drop her again.

There were plenty of other nice girls in the class but she was so desperate to be in the "cool" group and had a terrible time because of it. They are now Year 9 in secondary and still doing the same. I feel so sorry for her because she is a nice girl but goes over the top clingy when they let her join then they push her away again.

Invite some other DC over to play, try to foster different friendships, this other girl is enjoying the power she has over your DD.

Yeah, we're doing some social engineering this week and inviting her oldest friend from the group over for tea. It sounds like a very similar situation to your friend's DD!

It makes me so sad though; I'm a secondary teacher and I see what situations like this end up like when they're teenagers.

I would ask for your DH to move classes tbh...

Makes easier for you tackle the bullying with the class teacher I would think.

That's great, really try all you can to get her interested in different friends. I feel so sorry for my friends DD and she is lovely, the other girls are ok but just like the power play of picking her up and dropping her.

Interestingly the girl that does this to my friends DD moved across the road from us and we started lift sharing to school, she wasn't a particular friend of my dd, but as we were going to the same school her Dmum asked if we could lift share.

I said yes, it started well, neighbours queenbee dd started to ask my dd to play with her at break at school (my dd had always had other friends, not bothered about the popular group at all), my dd said yes and was moving between the two groups, then queenbee's friends didn't like it, so she started dropping my dd. But at home wanted to come over and play a lot.

My dd to her credit said to her "why do you ask to come over after school but ignore me now at school?". Queenbee dd was suitably embarrassed and apologised and said she just wanted to be popular. My dd said well I am quite happy to be friends with you but you had better stop being stupid at school.

My dd still plays with her other friends at school and the neighbours dd has started being a lot nicer to her at school now, but she still picks up and drops my friends dd all the time.

See, this is it. In the grand scheme of their lives, it's not a huge thing. But right now, it's massive and it's making life difficult. It's a tiny little school, in a tiny little village where everyone knows everyone.

DH is stuck in with them as his job is to 1:1TA for a child in their class. There are lots of staff whose kids are at the school which I'm always a tad sceptical about, for just this reason.

You need to keep talking to DD about how she's feeling & help her with a few coping strategies. I'd even help her with a couple of come backs so she sticks up for herself which is important when dealing with bullies.

And yes, I'd speak to the school. It doesn't need to be a row you're letting them know there is an issue that's affecting DD & you'd like to work with them in resolving it.