Baby no.2 guilt

[mummytogirl]

Please tell me this feeling passes..

I'm so sorry if this sounds incredibly shellfish, but I find it actually harder to talk to my partner or family about these feelings. So thought be nicer to get your lovely opinions. I have not long found out I'm pregnant with baby no.2 !! Unplanned but I am happy anyway about it. But then suddenly I start getting massive waves of guilt and anxieties for my girl who is now 3, we do everything together and lot of the time it's me and her, but I now I keep looking at her feeling incredibly sorry for her that I have done a terrible thing to her by deciding to have another baby, especially when she's sleeping I look across at her and burst into tears that I'm making a mistake, the waves of guilt is so intense I just keep sitting up and going over a millions things in my head. Am I going to have patience with her, having little or no sleep, how can we have the one to one time , will she feel pushed out or unloved because I'm busy attending to the baby, writing all this literally frightens the hell out of me.. Please can anyone give advise on how the cope with these feelings.... I keep going back and force if I'm making the wrong or right decision and it's just really starting to effect me. I really wanted to have another baby, it is abit sooner then I would of like but I know it's a blessing either way, but I'm just hoping this a phase that I will get over and actually start being excited..Tia xx

No advice, but just here to say that you're not alone. I have the same thoughts.

No matter what age you have a second child it will certainly be a change for her. Doesn’t have to be for the worse though.

You want a second child so you shouldn’t change your plans due to this worry.

Try and include her as much as you can, tell her she can help you care for baby, choose an outfit, let her be part of the excitiment.
Make time for her when baby is here, even just a story at bedtime where you are totally focused on her.

Your worries are normal, and she may say things like she doesn’t like the baby etc at first but she will get used to it.

Congratulations!

Exactly the same boat here. She's quite excited now about her brother arriving, I am freaking out! It does get better, I'm 24 weeks now. I think she'll be ok - I was in the same situation! I always still felt like favourite though 😉

I'm at the end of my second pregnancy and have experienced the same feelings. For me the feelings of guilt were intense to begin with, then lessened in the middle and are now very intense again.

However I am trying to be realistic and remember how much DS will benefit from having a sibling. I am an only child so have spent time talking to DP and friends who have siblings so that I can remind myself about how much he will gain from having a sibling relationship. I will also be home for a whole year on maternity leave so whilst he might not have my attention all the time I will be around more for him than I was before.

The best bit of advice I have read is to do things to remind your DC that they are still a priority. For example rather than always telling them to "wait a minute" when they want your attention and your busy with baby, make a big deal of telling the baby to "wait a minute" when you're doing something with DC (even if the baby doesn't really need you). Give them jobs to help them feel included.

Clearly I am not expert as I'm still really struggling but hope you feel less alone from hearing others feel the same. Xx

Aww thanks ladies just already your words are so encouraging, I know I think I just need to relax and tell myself it's gona be fine, I don't know why I keep having these like panic attacks. I know I will love them both the same, you just cannot help think what have I done 😱 but I seem to remember I when I was pregnant with my little girl I kept having massive panics that my life is gona change and what have I done, but now I can't believe I even thought of that she's literally the best thing I ever done, I think my massive issue is with change... I get use to things and have my routines but then if something happens I don't know how to cope with my feelings. I hope my mood changes fast as in just want to be so excited for having another baby, I just can't help feel sorry for my girl, but I will try everything you suggested and keep it in mind

You are giving your daughter a great gift by giving her a sibling. I have many happy memories of growing up with my sisters.
I know it doesn't bare thinking about but you also need to consider when you grow old and pass away. The support and companionship they will provide to one another will be invaluable.
There's also real pride and responsibility in being a big sis. I know as I am one

I felt all these feelings for my son when I was pregnant, he was only 15 months when his baby brother was born and I felt so torn between these two wonderful little humans who needed me. My baby is now 8 weeks but I feel having him has made me a better mother than ever. We all go out every day for a long walk and my toddler gets to run around and play and enjoy the swings and when we get back he naps so I get quality time with baby too.

When my toddler interacts with his brother I always keep it positive, encouraging him to help and to be gentle and whilst our toddler had a hard time adjusting for the first week he now rubs his brothers back when I am burping him, cuddles him and pats his head.

Being aware of the change really can be a blessing, it makes you more compassionate to your toddler and helps to ensure you foster a relationship of tenderness between them and their sibling. My toddler and I put on nursery rhymes and sing and dance every day too as a way to make managing easier and the baby loves watching us.

Try to enjoy the time you get with your daughter alone if you can and have faith that you are a wonderful mummy and another baby and playmate will enrich everyone's lives especially your baby girls xxx

Thanks for all your replies. Just hearing stories helps me a lot, my little girl is poorly now so it then makes me question how do you cope with 2 when one or both are sick, so many things going round in my head, but hoping these feelings go soon, I really appreciate your words of wisdom

When I was pregnant with DC2 I remember doubting that I could love another child as much as ds. I needn’t have worried, dd burst into our lives when ds was 2yr8m and I realised the love I had simply doubled. He no longer remembers life without her and watching them play and laugh together is the best thing in the world. My top tip wild be to get a sling for the baby, dd practically lived in one for the first few months of her life and meant I could be hands free with ds

I haven’t even conceived number 2 yet but feel like that. Glad to hear it’s normal to feel this way.

@bettybyebye amazing tip!! I'm going to get one!! Slings all the way 
@Macauley ha ha trust me when I was pregnant with my first, many moments when I stop and started think about baby, and this was normally when I was driving, and thought omggg what have I doneee 😩 but actually now she's here can't remember life before her, she's amazing and I feel bad for ever thinking bad things, I know I'm gona be the same way with this one too

My DS2 is 2.5 weeks old and I had the same worries (DS1 2.5 years). He utterly adores his little brother and it melts my heart watching them together. Yes we've had tantrums but I'm making sure to have one on one time with DS1 (e.g. I did his bath and we chatted tonight) so he doesn't feel excluded. Its hard but the best thing ever! Though I'm definitely done with babies now, 2 is enough for me

I could of written this 🤷🏼‍♀️ Pregnant with number 2 & have a 1 year old bloody gorgeous DD! Also have moments of horrendous guilt. One thing that keeps me grounded is I was an only child & always wished wished wished I had a brother or sister! Plus she will never even remember a time without her brother/sister! But I do still feel bad sometimes like 'she wasn't enough' she IS enough, always. I'm just giving her (hopefully) a friend for life & a close family connection when me & her dad aren't here anymore 😢 oh man, these pregnancy hormones!!!

You have to get yourself into a better state of mind for your DD’s sake. She’ll pick up on your negative emotions and end up making your concerns a reality.

Instead try to focus on how wonderful it’ll be for her to have a playmate, lifelong friend and how proud you’ll be seeing her be a big sister.

You love DD. But love doesn’t get split between existing and new children, you just get more capacity for it.

When your second baby is here get her involved a lot. Get her to help choose the clothes, bath your newborn, help push the pram etc. Get to help play with him/her. Rub baby lotion after a bath on new born. Get her really involved. In the long run they'll be close siblings and I bet your daughter would love all the little things. Get your daughter involved in arranging the baby's bedroom when it's time for your babies room, when changing nappy get your daughter to pass you things, help make bottles. When baby is asleep read with your daughter and spend time with her. Hope this helps.

It will be fine! My DS was 16 months when DD was born. Yes he has moments of jealousy but he they adore each other. He gives her a kiss as soon as he sees her in the morning (she's 4 months now).

I try and carve out one to one time with him when she naps and when DH's home. I also take him out on his own on a sunday for an hour or two (now she's not bfing all the time).

I used to cry about this when pregnant but giving him a sibling is a joy.

Oh I hated that, the feeling of guilt. It does pass, there’s 5 years between my daughters so to me, it was just me and her and then I was pregnant, I was scared I would love the new baby more or my daughter would feel I didn’t love her.
I took my daughter to every checkup and to scans.
She still remembers hearing her sisters heartbeat,Even after all these years.
I prepared her and the guilt feeling passed.
they are thick as thieves now, cover up for each other when ones done something they shouldn’t. So all those months worrying for nothing

So don’t stress, your child is about to gain a sibling who will be a best friend for life

Thank you, I will definitely try and get her involved in as much to do with the baby as I can, I just can't help look at her bad feel sorry for her, but I know she will thank me in the long run to give her I life long friend/sibling x