ADVICE PLEASE.

[SPINNINGROUNDTHESUN]

Having moved to a new area with my 7 year old adopted daughter, We were welcomed at her new school with invites to parties, playdates etc.
As time has moved on, her behaviour has been unpredictable at times(lashing out, pulling hair etc) due to her traumatic start in life which she is getting counselling for and will do for a long time.
Now all that has stopped as the Parents have decided that they no longer want her around anymore, I am totally disgusted with this and I do not know the best course of action to deal with the parents I have to see everyday, I feel so sad for my daughter because she doesn't understand why the kids don't want to play with her. I can also see their point of view but they know the score with her, she is a great kid with a few problems which we are working on.
Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.

It sounds difficult but at 7 it will probably be the children who don’t want to invite around a child who is hurting them rather than the parents.

There is an adoption board where you might get more tailored advice.

You can still invite other kids over to play. My son is disabled and rarely gets invited to play but he has a few friends who are also disabled or adopted. Are you in contact with any other adoptive families or disabled families in the area? They are likely to be much more tolerant of unusual behaviour.

You can't be surprised that other parents do not want their child to be hurt. I understand it is upsetting for you, but a parent's first priority is always to keep their child safe from harm.

Have you considered group 'soft play' playdates? So that the children are kept very busy, and the parents can stay to supervise. Why not have a halloween version and one for christmas? You can buy the parents some coffee and explain why your dd is the way she is (if you want to). It will help bridge the gap between you and possibly they will gain some insight and understanding of your predicament.

Ultimately until you/child/counselling/school have got on top of her violent outbursts I think you will have to expect some difficulties with friendships. Try not to take it personally. You sound like a lovely supportive Mum and I hope things look up for your dd. Be glad she has you to guide her through this difficult time.

I am sorry your are facing these difficulties. I can appreciate this feels hurtful and unfair.
Unfortunately kids will avoid those that lash out at them or pull their hair while parents will prioritise their own child’s comfort and back them up on that. It’s not ‘disgusting’ - it’s about looking after their own, which is normal. It’s hard on you and your dd though.

I hope your dd can find solace in counselling and come to a time where she feels more settled and can sustain friendships. She has my sympathy...it’s not easy at all.

Hi Folks,
Thanks everybody for your views and opinions which I will take onboard, I do tend to take things personally and I think this is the story here. I will put it down to experience and move on from here, Hopefully with winter on the way I will be able to keep her in more which takes away the worry of the rejection she might feel when the kids say they have to keep away from her.
Thanks again for all the advice.

I don’t think you can blame the other parents for not inviting your DD to play with their DC if she’s violent. It’s not disgusting for them not to want their DC to be physically attacked. Perhaps with time and counselling your DD will be able to control her behaviour and integrate more with her peers. But I don’t think you can expect them to just put up with being hit.