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Parenting

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Original poster

Family wants me to spank 3 year old

22 replies

brookshelley · 12/10/2018 07:29

My family is from an African culture where spanking is an essential parenting tool. DB and I were spanked and I don't think it made any difference. Made us much better at hiding stuff from our parents as we got older to avoid harsh punishments. Most people from my generation who grew up in similar households share this view. DH and I agreed not to spank and we haven't.

My mother and extended family are now going in on me that I'm making a bad choice by not spanking, that young children need to be spanked, etc. The problem is they are all defensive, when I say I don't agree with an adult hitting a child, and that studies show it causes more problems, they insist "it worked for us" and don't want to hear anything against it. It's getting to the point that I can't even talk to DM about DD having a tantrum because the response is "well you know what I think you should do but you refuse to do it."

Anyone else experienced this and how do you (if possible) get family to accept your choice not to spank?

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 12/10/2018 07:34

Just smile sweetly and say "thank you-but I'll do it my way" and ignore. And if there is any discussion (best if there isn't) , say "hit" not "spank". Spank is minimising-they can hide behind words like that.

cushioncovers · 12/10/2018 07:42

Ask yourself how will your child feel when they are older and they have grown up being hit because a family member told you to do it. A Family member that might even have passed away by time your child is an adult. Your child will blame you for his/her memories of being hit.

Original poster

brookshelley · 12/10/2018 07:45

Spank is minimising-they can hide behind words like that.

Good suggestion. Yes to me it is hitting a smaller weaker person and then justifying it with various theories. I will call it hitting.

OP posts:

NonaGrey · 12/10/2018 07:45

Two things:

Say “our child, our decision” sweetly, with a firm smile.

Limit what you tell them. They don’t need to know about tantrums.

FekkoTheLawyer · 12/10/2018 07:49

"You had your opportunity to whop/beat/spank your own child. We choose not to." It's illegal in some countries.

Spam88 · 12/10/2018 07:49

The loophole that means it isn't a crime is being removed in Scotland and Wales is likely to go the same way following a consultation (I don't think it has yet but I might not be up to date). Regardless, if you actually harm your child you can be charged with ABH.

It's pretty shit parenting if the only way you can make your child behave is by making them scared of how you'll physically hurt them if they don't. You are absolutely right OP, stick to your guns.

Original poster

brookshelley · 12/10/2018 07:51

Ask yourself how will your child feel when they are older and they have grown up being hit because a family member told you to do it.

Absolutely but I'm even upset because the fact is that many family members including granny want me to beat her...I mean I guess I will have to keep that fact from my children as they get older or else they'll really judge those relatives.

OP posts:

IdaBWells · 12/10/2018 08:03

Its difficult OP as it's cultural and people are defensive of behaviours that they are familiar with. Also it's important to show respect for your family's culture without needing go adopt the same methods of discipline.

I have 3 teens and have never spanked them or raised my hand to any of them and none of them have any behavioural problems.

One thing that comes to mind is are they Christian? I know the Old Testament encourages corporal punishment but the New Testament has nothing encouraging it. Would Jesus whack a 3 yr old? I am sure there will be Christian family organizations and ministries that actively discourage all forms of spanking/physical punishment. I don't know if this is relevant but they might at least respect it from a theological perspective.

Another is that certain behaviour is normal and will be seen in all normal developing children (such as young children having tantrums) no matter how you discipline. I think not showing aggression is role-modeling the adults you want them to be: calm and firm and not quick to anger.

Original poster

brookshelley · 12/10/2018 08:09

@IdaBWells yes they are Christian and I've had the Bible quoted to me in defense of it. My version of Christianity is quite a bit different than the one I was raised in and this is one of many areas where we clash. Good idea to try and research some Christian perspectives on physical punishment that represent my view.

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/10/2018 08:11

There’s a couple local to me OP who’ve just been convicted of child abuse for using “spare the rod, spoil the child” and saying their faith compelled them to do it.

They are unrepentant and can’t see what the problem is.

I think you and your DH have done the right thing, unfortunately you may never get your family to understand or respect that.

But that’s okay, they don’t have to. They do however have to accept it.

FekkoTheLawyer · 12/10/2018 08:11

There are plenty of quotes about not harming children.

Or just a flat 'no - and neither will you'. Otherwise you will be arguing this for the next 16 years.

PillowOfSociety · 12/10/2018 08:12

Will your Mum beat your Dd if you leave her with her?

I feel certain she would, as she seems to believe that it is actually important to spank a child, like giving them vitamins or something, and she won’t grow up well behaved and especially respecting her elders unless you do.

So I would not be leaving your Dd with your Mum, aunties etc, to babysit.

Original poster

brookshelley · 12/10/2018 08:17

So I would not be leaving your Dd with your Mum, aunties etc, to babysit.

Agree, until I have a firm commitment that my children are never to be spanked ever, I will not leave them with those family members alone. Most of my family lives in a different country so it's not likely to come up often luckily.

OP posts:

nellly · 12/10/2018 08:28

Agree with pp not to leave them with those relatives, it really is the accepted norm in other cultures.

That said I would stop asking your mum for advice about tantrums as it will just cause frustration on both sides.

Ask here, or ask your friends. And try to just share the good things with them

FekkoTheLawyer · 12/10/2018 08:31

How old are your children? My mum was always very firm that until a child was able to talk, you didn't leave them with anyone you didn't trust 100%

Original poster

brookshelley · 12/10/2018 08:47

Oldest just turned 3, youngest is almost 1. Oldest is very verbal and would definitely tell me if anyone hit her but I still wouldn't want to know after the fact.

OP posts:

IdaBWells · 12/10/2018 08:51

I taught my three year old to hold her hand out in front like a stop sign and say "No hitting!" to defend herself at preschool from another girl.

Be consistent and say nobody in this family hits each other.

cushioncuddle · 12/10/2018 08:56

You spank when the adult has lost control.

What does hitting a child teach them - it's ok to use violence. That they are scared of their parents. Not to go to them if they've made a mistake.

An adult will be prosecuted if they hit another adult. Yet it is fine for an adult twice the size and twice the strength to hit a child. Ludicrous !!

Original poster

brookshelley · 12/10/2018 09:04

I taught my three year old to hold her hand out in front like a stop sign and say "No hitting!" to defend herself at preschool from another girl.

We've done the same and do practice drills at home. I told her to say "Stop hitting!" loudly so an adult nearby can hear.

An adult will be prosecuted if they hit another adult. Yet it is fine for an adult twice the size and twice the strength to hit a child. Ludicrous !!

It amazes me that educated people in 2018 could fail to grasp this point but there you go. They genuinely believe it's wrong NOT to spank.

OP posts:

Robin2323 · 12/10/2018 09:31

If spanking worked you only have to do it once.

The argument to end all arguments.

Original poster

brookshelley · 12/10/2018 09:52

Robin I’ve tried that. You’d think even “it didn’t work for me” to your own mother would be effective. Nope. Apparently I’d have been a drug dealer save her hitting me over not tidying toys.

OP posts:

Rebecca36 · 12/10/2018 10:00

Stick to your guns girl, hitting a child is not on. People always say it didn't do them any harm but it did - the fact that they want to do it to their kids shows that! There are other, far more effective, ways of teaching a child right from wrong. Apart from all that, your little one is only three, bless, just out of babyhood. Cherish and enjoy her!

Please try not to let this cause a rift with your family though, they have old fashioned ideas but I'm sure they're great in other ways.

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