Issue with grandparents

[Busymumma1]

I’m at a loss what to do. This is creating a real strain on myself and my partner’s relationship and I’m feeling stressed out daily by it.

It started when I was pregnant and my partner had to speak to his mum about ‘her giving up work’, ‘taking her grandson for his first swimming lesson’, ‘me earning the money, whilst she looks after our son’... basically her having a new life with our child whilst we are at work. My partner spoke to her and realigned her expectations that she won’t need to stop working to look after our child, especially as I was on maternity leave anyway!

Since my son was born however, I feel like she is slowly trying to take over again.
Whenever they see him, they are all over him and my partner and myself don’t get a look in. I feel uncomfortable to do anything with my child Incase I step on the grandparents toes!
They have complained they don’t see him enough and have commented that the birth of our child was a disappointment and was not what they had anticipated (I assume seeing him several times a week). In the past year, they have probably only made the effort on 2 occasions and arranged something. I have been the one to arrange to see them every week or 2.
When we do see them, I also have negative comments about the ‘rabbit food’ I feed my son and instead they have fed him unhealthy food which, they believe, he much prefers.
My MIL has also asked for them to look after my son when I go back to work and has laid on the emotional blackmail of my partner’s dad missed out on so much of his own children so he wants to make up for it with our son.
The trouble is, I think they a) treat him like their own child (by thinking they know best and almost dismissing anything I have to say); b) mollycoddle him (something myself and my partner are keen on not doing; c) make me feel uncomfortable to say anything to address the above!

It’s so difficult. I’ve tried to discuss with my partner but I’m not sure he sees where I’m coming from, only that it’s nice they want to be so close to our son. I don’t know what I can do to sort this situation out to stop a rift between myself and my partner and address the concerns I have with his parents.

Any advice gratefully received x

Would you be ok with them having him for one day a week? Then you can send him to nursery or whatever arrangement you prefer for the majority of the time but they still get one special day with him to build a bond and do lovely grandparent things (but that is not the foundation of his care since they have different views on parenting than you). You would also save some money on fees. Of course that is only if you are happy with them having that role in his life. He is your son and you and your partner need to figure out together what role you want grandparents to play and this may involve compromises on your part.

and has laid on the emotional blackmail of my partner’s dad missed out on so much of his own children so he wants to make up for it with our son.

My MIL must have shared her notes with yours. She says EXACTLY the same thing. Emotional blackmail is so transparent. My MIL is very cunning and manipulative. Every time she does so, I pull back more from her.

I'd be reluctant to let them have any sort of fulltime 'arrangement' to be honest. They sound like if you gave them an inch, they'd take a mile!

I understand that is difficult to say so it will be up to your DH to explain that you are going to have alternative arrangements. You don't need to give them a reason. I know it feels like you do, but really you don't have to do say anything other than thank you for the offer, we have decided to go with xyz. However, if you'd like to have Friday afternoons we can arrange that. Make sure its a day that suits you ie if you want to meet a friend after work, go late night shopping etc.

He's your child, not theirs.

They've already shown undermining and disrespect towards you as parents, thinking they know best so childcare arrangement will never work in your favour, ever.

It's obvious they are desperate for the opportunity to 're-live' the parenting experience, in particular their perceived failings.

They will probably spoil your son.
This is all well and good but does the child no good in the long run and makes discipline and boundaries blurred or non existent.

I speak from bitter experience.

If I were you and if money is no issue I'd tell them that you both think it's better to keep childcare and family relationships separate and you want to use a registered childminder or nursery while you're at work.

They can look forward to seeing him when they visit or you visit them with the occasional bit of babysitting thrown in so you and your dh can spend time together at the weekends.

Don't let them bully you.
You've only got one chance to get it right.

This sounds awful. You should lay down your parenting law. I’d avoid a regular arrangement for now and instead say you think it’s important he spends time with other children and socialises (at nursery).

I would bring up to your husband how his dad says he wants to make up for what he didn't get with his son. Does your partner want his dad filling his role as a parent meaning he never gets those experiences with his son? He may struggle to see it from your point of view but how will he feel if his dad is acting like a father to his child and taking his place? And how would he feel if it was your parents acting like this?