Feeling lonely on maternity

[CJ1990]

Hello,

I’m just wondering if anyone has advise on ways to occupy their time on maternity?

I have a 5 week old who I love looking after, but I’m finding myself really lonely in the week. I find myself dreading Sunday evenings when the husband goes to work :( everyone I know works in the day so I don’t have many people to go see. One or two friends have babies but they’re often busy with their other half’s as they do shift work, not 9-5 like my husband.

I’ve looked for baby groups to go to but most you have to pay for, or are for babies a bit older. I’d go visit work but it’s too far away and I couldn’t take my daughter as she’d be in the car seat to long. And she’s also a nightmare with her feeding. She still wants feeding every hour and the same with nappy changing. I no that can be normal but it makes going out much harder.

Find myself really anxious when Monday comes along as i Just don’t know what to do other than walks around the local park and box sets! I go to a feeding support group every week just to get out!

Do you think it’s something I could ring the health visitor about? Maybe she would no of some groups? Feel it maybe something silly to ring about though.

I guess I’m just missing interactions with people! Feeling very tied down to the house :(

I went back to work after five months as I was climbing the walls. Kind of regret going back full time but don’t regret actually going back. I went part time she. She started school nursery at 3 and that was the best decision. She goes to a childminder in the morning but I get to pick up and clubs and activities, have time for homework etc. The years fly by op.

I attended classes at my local sure start centre during the summer prior to giving birth. I was bored so I went baby shopping as well. I made some friends through Facebook and local church mom and baby activities too.
Ask your health visitor for advice. Also visit the local library and see what is available in the area. I also chatted with other parents at the local leisure centre and supermarket.
That definitely helped me after birth. The night my two were born I was talking to another mom from my hospital bed. We struck up a friendship that day which lasted. But parenting is not always easy. I used to borrow a magazine from my local library for families it came in handy more than once. My two children are winter babies.
I also went bowling and took them out a few times the summer after they were born. Getting out of the apartment helped a lot. I strolled around the square looking at the shops and paid a couple of visits to a local park not far from the apartment.
Also I tended to go for walks by a tennis court and to a cafe for something to eat during the day. I also traipsed along with the twins in tow to family events. Seeing a therapist the first few weeks of their lives obviously assisted me with acceptance. She advised me to do stuff during the day time as much as possible.

I've not been enjoying mat leave particularly. I find it very difficult being cooped up in the house looking at the housework and being unable (or too tired!) to do it. I go out an awful lot to try and stave off the boredom/frustration/blues but it does get expensive very quickly.

The breakthrough for me has been to go into work (to work, rather than to visit!). I went on my first KIT day on Thursday (baby was 11 weeks old) and will have another this Thursday. I'm still breastfeeding - I pumped during the day and she drank expressed milk whilst I was at work. I'm due to go back in January, when she's 6 months old. I felt like me again - and have been so much more positive during my time at home since I went in. I appreciate this might not be an option for you, but if you can swing it, it might be worth thinking about, and trying to book in some regular days during your leave - I think you can have up to 10.

I definitely suggest speaking to the HV as they should have an ear to the ground on groups in your area, and some will be free/very cheap.

My local library holds Rhyme Time which is good (and free!) and I've been for coffee with some of the mums from that.

I'm also going to a weekly new parent group, which is also free, and includes discussion of how your baby is developing, which is useful.

I've heard there's a free baby massage course locally, although I've not been - perhaps there might be something similar where you are?

If the weather's nice I thoroughly recommend packing yourself a picnic and a magazine and going for a walk to the park or somewhere. It will do both of you good to be outside, and if baby gets some sleep in the pram then you can spend some time just reading something or watching the world go by. I also like going charity shopping when Karatebaby is in a good mood - ladies in shops love to talk about the baby, and I've had the double benefit of getting some real bargains for her.

I've previously done a sling fit class, and am planning to try a baby gym class tomorrow - both only £3 each.

We've also been doing Water Babies, which is excellent, but is our one concession to expensive things.

When I was on maternity leave I made sure I organised what I was doing the week before. This meant that each day I had something to do. Rhyme time was great at the library - free and stay/play afterwards . I would take baby swimming one day and also signed up to baby sensory. I did nct so would see people from that once a week ( we would do a shared lunch or tea and cake at someone’s house). I did a lot of walking with the pram too . It can be lonely but try to plan something for each day and it helps .

@CJ1990

Download the Apps: MUSH and HOOP

Mush is for meeting other Mums. Hoop will show all the baby groups in your area including free ones. Check your city council's website for more free groups.

I think it's a good idea to have one thing planned each day, even if it's just a walk to the shops. Ideally, try to get out in the morning. Pack a bag the night before. Also a top tip I read on Mumsnet is to put some cash somewhere away in the buggy or pram and leave a coat with a hood right by it (in case you get rained on), then you can just run out and be prepared for anything when you get a hour between feeds/nappies.

If you are near a big city then museums and galleries are surprisingly baby-friendly. They are often free and nearly always have cafes, accessible toilets and lots of space to push a pram in. I did a lot of that, sometimes with a friend who was also on mat leave and once in a while when the babies were sleeping we even got to see interesting stuff.

I was actually bored enough 5 months or so in that I signed up to mark exam papers in my subject (teacher) and enjoyed it!

I think a low point of my mat leave was when I dragged the pram out (I live up a lot of steps but I was desperate to get out of the house) and only got two houses away when I had to hide under a hedge as a sudden hail storm started. Then I ran to the car and hid in it with the pram half folded until it stopped hailing. Happy days. DD is 5 now and I still look at that hedge thankfully!

I like TipseyTorvey's tips. Something I used to do is put the radio on (cheesy music is best) and dance around with the baby for half an hour. It will cheer you up and the baby might like it. You can use a sling if your arms get tired.

This may sound a bit bold, but desperate times call for desperate measures! I was once approached on the street by a mum, totally out of the blue, whose baby was about my baby’s age. She said “hi, do you live in the neighbourhood?” I replied that I did, and she immediately opened up: “I’m finding breastfeeding really hard... you?” I suggested we go for coffee (there was a cafe two minutes away) and we had a nice proper chat. We exchanged numbers and ended up meeting up several times over the subsequent few months. We had NOTHING in common other than our babies are we’re definitely not best friends for life, but we enjoyed passing the long, lonely weekdays together every now and then. I’m glad she had the courage to approach me the way she did. Maybe you should give it a try!

I took two classes, one in IT and one watercolours, they were a morning each and the college had a crèche. I also went to a swim and gym session one morning again with crèche attached.

DS and I went out to lunch once a week, I tried baby groups, one at my local church was ok and that was also one morning a week. So I had one thing on every day, I took almost a year off work.

It is hard and don't feel any guilt for feeling this way - it's a huge lifestyle change. The feeding will settle down eventually which helps - I felt chained to the couch at one point.

I can only agree with library sessions and baby massage.

I am sure that my situation is not common, so my advice will go a bit against the grain.

I joined a baby group, went to baby classes and... hated them. Someway I fell in very competitive groups and having an ill buy good sleeper baby made me feel like an outsider as on one hand I had to deal with his health conditions, which was stressful enough, while having hippy mothers telling me I had not tried enough with BF, that my child was bigger or better sleeper than theirs because he was having a bottle just made me so angry. They just didn’t have a clue but were happy to judge based on what they thought were my “choices”

Looking back at that time, I wish I had not forced myself into so many baby classes. Young babies do not interact with other babies, and their toy interests are not sophisticated enough to need access to a toy library or a baby play group. Most what they need can be found in a kitchen and the interactions they need, in people close to you.

So I would say, concentrate in yourself, you are the one that needs to be ok simply because if you are ok, your child is ok. I admit I felt lonely, depressed and mightily bored during maternity leave (and hugely pressurised to pretend I was enjoying such “magical time)”. What worked for me was to go back to my studies part time so I could get some focus, some adult social interaction that I actually enjoyed and also a break from the constant care a baby required.

That’s when my time with my baby became “magical” when we achieved some balance, I was more rested and our time together was more structured.

Now, if you find a group of mothers whose company you enjoy, hold on to them, they will be your friends and family for years to come! I eventually found them when my kid was 3 years old. They are still with me more than 10 years later

Some things I found useful were:
Mush
Hoop
Local libraries
Sure start
Children's centre

Also, it's worth signing up for a 6 week term of a paid class fairly early on to meet other mums....