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Original poster

My daughter hates me

17 replies

Mum2016l · 05/10/2018 20:55

I've never written on here before but I am desperate. I am a mum of a 2 year old daughter who I worship. Everyday I cannot believe I am lucky enough to be her mum but for the past year everytime dh is around she rejects me, pushes me away, shouts go away mummy, go over there mummy, leave me alone, leave daddy alone. Shes started hitting me. Today she was so angry that i came near her she pulled a chunk of her own hair out in frustration. Yet to her dad and at nursery she is the sweetest little thing. My heart is broken I have cried every day this week. Everyone keeps telling me this is a phase but it's been going on for so long now. I don't know what I have done to make her hate me so much. It's like I'm a stranger to her. When dh picks her up from nursery she drops anything she's doing and sprints to him. But when I go she barely looks at me and carrys on with whatever she was doing before I arrived. Has anyone else had this? Does anyone know what I can do? I am truely heartbroken

OP posts:

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Elllicam · 05/10/2018 20:57

All 3 of my son’s went through a major daddy phase about the same age. My youngest will be 2 in January and is the same. How long has she been like this? X

Elllicam · 05/10/2018 20:58

Ah I just read it was a year.

uppitydoodah · 05/10/2018 21:00

My DD went through a stage like this at a similar age. She wouldn’t let me change her nappy, or put her to bed, or get her dressed for about a month.
I found it helpful when my husband backed me up “we say kind things to mummy” “we do kind hands to mummy” “we love mummy lots” etc. This helped to some extent but the thing that solved it within a day was my daughter was screaming for daddy to pick her up. He point blank refused and said “mummy is sat there, if you’d like to be picked up then ask mummy”.
She had an almighty tantrum for about 30 mins and tried to hang off of my DH while he was putting dishes away and doing some vacuuming. After 30 minutes she came over to me and put her arms out for a cuddle.
From that point onwards she was a million times better, she would let me do her nappy, bath her and was much more affectionate treating us both the same.
I don’t know why that incident changed everything, but it really really did.

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MrBeansXmasTurkey · 05/10/2018 21:07

Sorry to read your post OP it is quite common but very hurtful. Agree your husband has to back you up and be supportive. You might also talk to nursery and see if they can advise anything. They may be willing to work on this with you.
Try to do plenty of nice things to boost your self esteem and cheer you up

Cathster · 05/10/2018 21:12

She doesn’t hate you, they all go through this phase. My DD did for ages, and even now at 3 she still prefers Daddy, but I’ve got used to it - I’ve managed to see things through her eyes in that she sees me all the time, apart from when she’s at nursery I’m always there. Whereas DH is only around for evenings and weekends,so she gets so overwhelmed with excitement and just wants him all to herself.

Your DH needs to get involved in stopping her treating you that way, as uppity says. My DH would be the one to tell her off if she shouted, and he has also had to learn to say no to her, something he really struggles with! He feels guilty that he’s not around much so just wants to do whatever she wants but has seen that does have a negative impact on mine and her relationship as then I’m always the one saying no.

Original poster

Mum2016l · 05/10/2018 21:15

Had you tried doing things like that before but being consistent with it eventually worked? We have tried things like that but maybe not consistently enough. Now days I tend to just walk away when she tells me to. I spose in order to save my dignity a little bit and also I really don't want to cry infront of her which usually follows soon after these days (I know I sound very dramatic but a year of this has completely worn me down)

OP posts:

Twillow · 05/10/2018 21:16

It may be that this has become a vicious cycle - she had a phase, you were anxious, she picked up on it and reacted etc etc. Can you enlist your husband's help to cool his attention towards her so that she is not so rewarded by him alone and begins to seek you out more. Do try very hard to play act normal and ignore and distract any tantrums. Don't stand for the nonsense but don't reward it by letting her see that it upsets you - power in little hands is a dangerous thing!

stellabird · 05/10/2018 21:17

Mine was exactly the same - it's quite common. She doesn't hate you - she just adores her Daddy. She can see that you and Daddy are a couple and so she wants you out of the way.

My DH was no help at all, since he loved all the attention and let her get away with it. Which was infuriating of course. But it gradually subsided over a year or so, and by the time she started school it was over.

Original poster

Mum2016l · 05/10/2018 21:23

Thank you all for your replies. I can definitely see why people use mumsnet! I feel better knowing that I'm not alone. All the other mum's I know are either better at hiding this stuff or don't have any problems!! I'll try and get DH on board with saying no and being firmer with her that she must be kind to me too.

OP posts:

upsideup · 05/10/2018 21:29

Are you the more hands on parent? Try and make sure you both get involved with the fun and the not so fun parenting tasks.
This happened with my youngest as DH had to work away a lot and would want to spend the little time he had with her doing nice things but she grew out of it on her own at about 2.5, with our older children though when we were both working from home and splitting parenting 50/50 it didnt seem to happen at all.

uppitydoodah · 05/10/2018 21:35

Be consistent. Every time she wants daddy then daddy needs to direct her to you.
“Mummy can put your coat on” “mummy can open that snack for you”.
He needs to show that he means business and won’t tolerate her playing you off against each other and being horrible to mummy.
Maybe make a point of trying for the whole weekend and see if it improves.

SouthWestmom · 05/10/2018 21:56

OTOH, make the most of it. Glass of wine, nice book, let daddy get on with bedtime. You've got many many more years where you will be playing taxi, listening to tearful stories about school, doing homework, etc etc.

It won't last.

DeRigueurMortis · 05/10/2018 23:32

As pp's have said it's a phase - albeit a long one.

Think of it this way. If (as I'm assuming) you're the primary care giver, what your DD is demonstrating is confidence in your love for her.

She knows you'll be there for her no matter what, so acting up for Daddy at your expense has no impact (in her eyes).

Tbh I'd not actually try and hide your feelings. She's being mean, not that she really understands that right now, but she never will if the consequences are hidden from her.

So my advice is to be truthful and direct- for you and your DH.

Tell her that she's being hurtful. Say you're crying because she upset you.

Make sure your DH doesn't give special treatment for being mean to Mummy - if she does, then she gets less attention from DH, not more, as in "I'll play with you when you say sorry to Mummy, but not before" and "no I'm not going to do xyz because you've upset Daddy by being mean to Mummy".

You're not doing anything wrong - it just sounds like you and your DH need to review your response to the behaviour and have a solid joint plan on how to deal with it.

Sethis · 05/10/2018 23:38

All the other mum's I know are either better at hiding this stuff or don't have any problems!

Trust us. Every single parent has huge problems, whether you see them or not. If you hang out with 5 mums, I'm sure 1 has a kid who still pees on the floor, another who won't stop writing on the wall, another who screams the same swear word over and over again in the supermarket, and another whose kid still refuses to touch any food that isn't yellow and square.

You're not alone, however much it might feel like that sometimes.

The advice about getting the DH onside with "I'm not doing anything with you because you hurt mummy" sounds like an excellent way to go, if you can get it consistent. Things pass with time.

Thatstheendofmytether · 05/10/2018 23:46

Aw you poor soul this must be heart breaking. I haven't rtt just your posts.
Perhaps you should try giving her a taste of that back. I know it sounds cruel but she is attention seeking. So you should say, that's fine DD and walk away, give her no more attention, if she speaks to you speak back bit be blunt no being nice caring mum. You also need to get your dh to tell her that's wrong every time she does it and give her no good attention after she does it, so no cuddles from daddy, no playing etc until she is nice to mummy and apologises for hurting your feelings. You wouldn't put up with her talking to other family members like that because it's cheeky and hurtful and as her mother you certainly don't deserve it.

Thatstheendofmytether · 05/10/2018 23:49

I'm surprised your dh hasn't done this already OP. That must make it even harder that he's not backing you up and the if he's not telling her it's not ok then he is enabling her behaviour and she will keep doing it. Don't try and get him on board, tell him that's what has to happen!

Fillipe · 05/10/2018 23:59

We had this too OP (she's grown up now). I used to joke and tell everyone she's a daddy's girl but it was hurtful. In our case, she was daddy's girl until around 5, then came to me all the time. Then the teens, where she either loved us both or hated us both and now in her 20's, prefers long chats with me. Don't be disheartened, this will pass

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