Advice for a child who won't eat

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I'm beginning to grow increasingly concerned about my 3YO DS. He has always been a 'difficult' eater since he was a baby. He never seemed to eat as much as his older brother at the same age. He is definitely not eating enough.

He has never been interested in meals and I have encouraged him to be guided by his own appetite. So will allow him to eat healthy snacks, outside of meal times etc. Mainly because I am happy he is eating something! He is definitely a grazer. I wouldn't say he is particularly fussy. He will happily eat something one day, but then refuse to eat it the next.

I've kind of let it go because while it's annoying he won't eat his dinner, I don't want it to turn into a huge thing. I have my own issues with food and the last thing I want is my boys to end up the same. It's reached a head now because he is at school and then a childminder in the day now I've gone back to work full time. He is not eating much at all and is visibly losing weight. He doesn't have much to lose anyway! He hardly touches breakfast at home, then doesn't eat with the childminder. We've started refusing snacks thinking a hungry child won't let themselves starve. Well this one will!

I just don't know what to do. I give him foods I know he will eat for breakfast and the childminder does the same. I'm giving him lots of milk to try and get extra calories in him that way. He is given as long as he needs to eat but clearly loses all interest after sitting at the table for an hour?!

What else can I do?! Does anyone have any suggestions?!

I'm afraid I don't have any experience of this but it might be worth contacting the health visitor team or your GP who will signpost you to the right place for good advice.

I think you’re absolutely right to try and ignore it as much as you can.

I get your point about giving him time to eat as even one or two bites makes a difference. But actually this could be exacerbating it. I never finished meals as a child. I’m a slow eater and so I get full/bored and I do believe my parents gave me portions that were too large. I cannot bear feeling full - even if I have 1 or 2 mouthfuls left I don’t eat them because it makes me feel physically sick. The gorging ‘oh I need to take my belt off and have a nap’ people do at Christmas is completely alien to me.

Not eating It then becomes a habit. Nothing puts you off eating like staring at a plate of food you don’t really want.

As s complete non expert I’d say try:
Sticking to a set time limit for courses -20 mins say
Increase calorie intake through butter, cheese and whole milk. These can be added to lots of foods.
I would let him graze within reason - mid morning and mid afternoon snacks are a pretty normal way to eat especially when your stomach is small.
Do seek professional advice if he’s actually losing weight. However with you going back to work it could simply be a reaction to change and something he will grow out of.

Have you heard of direction of Responsibility? It’s an excellent programme and it was a lifesaver for my DS whose number of safe foods was dropping every week. There is a very helpful and non judgemental group on FB called Mealtime Hostage I would strongly recommend.

DoR in a nutshell:

• forget about healthy/unhealthy foods, breakfast foods, etc, food is food and all food is good.
• offer food buffet style and deconstructed (so rice separately from meat, separately from sauce). Always include 2-3 safe foods.
• make no comments. Don’t threaten, praise, cajole, bargain, etc. Your job is to put food on the table, the child’s job is to eat.
• offering snacks in between meals can be helpful. If the snack turns into a full meal, who cares, your child has eaten.

I would also go by the GP because sometimes there are physiological reasons for not eating, e.g swollowing problems, gastrointestinal issues.

My dd is only two but is in the same boat of being a grazer and a pain in the bum.
I can get her to her some breakfast most days, or a little bit or lunch or dinner if I put on something she loves and gets totally absorbed with on TV. Or just some distraction while I feed her myself, colouring, or puzzles or helping doing an activity like pulling whelks out of shells today...
She snacks okay sometimes. Like yours one day will devour a certain food but won't touch it again for days!
Hardly ever feeds herself either even though she can 😫

I've found making her lunch into snacks I hand out throughout the mid morning /afternoons works best for us while she potters around, then she has to at least start sitting with us for dinner even if she sits for a minute and eats nothing.
If your dc is obviously loosing weight I'd definitely get a gp appointment to get directed to a dietician or something

I have a relative like this (autism related) and he seems to survive on fortified porridge, smoothies and pizza - and drinks like 'build up'. Odd booked egg. White bread. Loads of ketchup. Won't touch chips or sweets.

He rarely ate solids until he was about 7. He us fine - they are a family of doctors do I assume they know what they are doing.

My DS is similar, although he is fussy and there is a very limited range of things he will eat. I'm not kidding, at age three I think he has told me he was hungry once in his life. When it's meal times he protests no matter what is being served and I simply can't relate to it because I love my food!

He's also a grazer so will snack on things rather than eat a meal.

Things that have helped - I currently only put in front of him him things I know he likes, or that he has eaten before. I do offer new things too, but if he says no then that's fine (he usually says no!). I tell him that's what's for breakfast/dinner/lunch and he can eat it or not, but there won't be anything else offered. Then I say nothing. Even though it makes me want to scream to watch him fiddle with his food or ignore it completely. I tell him he has 20 minutes and then it will be taken away. And it is.

He goes hungry a lot! But nagging or bribing or cajoling or making it a game has failed for three years so now I do this.

Thank you for all your replies and suggestions.

I have up until now been fairly relaxed about it all. But that was while he was at home with me and I could see that he was eating something. I was very upset when I saw his wee bones sticking out last night.

I don't think going to the childminder has helped. She has her own ideas about it all which seem very different to mine but we are working together on it now and she is doing things similar to what we do at home.

I will speak to HV/GP. He has issues with his speech and in the back of my mind I am thinking about SN.

This may be helpful, ask your health visitor

www.henry.org.uk/whatson

What is his BMI percentile? HV can help you measure that.

Thank you for the link to Henry, but it's not available for us in Wales

I don't know what his BMI is. I'm going to weigh him today. He's quite tall for his age as well.

My DS is at nursery at it is literally the only place he eats normally. I have no idea what their secret is, I've tried their recipes and everything, but can only assume it's a sort of 'follow the crowd' thing. So for two days a week he eats a proper lunch with no fuss.

I have friends who's children are the same. Might be worth considering nursery if your childminder isn't on the same page.

My son would also rather starve then eat something he doesn't like or want! He doesn't eat any better at nursery and some days he comes home and all he has had is some mashed potato and cake! He is 3 years and 8 months now and every time I try peas and sweetcorn they get spat out like bullets - that's if I hide them in with something else. He also rarely feeds himself which at nearly 4 is ridiculous. He is just not interested in food at all. If he could have a pill once a day that meant he didn't have to eat he would be very happy. I've stopped fighting him and agree with the other poster that all food is good. He gets vitamin added milk and full fat butter and cheese. I can only hope he grows out of it.

He used to go half days at a nursery when he was 2 and was there over lunch. He ate even less there!

He's also at school nursery in the morning and have his brother to consider logistically as well so moving him isn't an option really.

I'm just going to keep offering the snacks at home, including something meal sized at night and if he doesn't eat at the childminder then so be it. She knows my thoughts on the matter and not to make a big deal out of it.

Just as an update: my son had cottage pie with cabbage followed by yoghurt for lunch at nursery. I just had a message from them to say they gave him bread sticks and banana as he had not eaten any of it.