12 year old nephew is doing my head in

[pemb]

So basically he's 12, he lives with his mum as his dad is a waste of space.
He has lied for probably a few years now to avoid going to school and his mum and my mother in law are totally fooled by it. He texts his mum constantly when he's at school saying pick me up pick me up please say I've got the dentist please pick me up. Or if something is coming up he "doesn't feel well" like if it's somebodies birthday and he knows we will be going out etc he fakes an illness.
So the latest one is he said he was being bullied, so his mum went into school etc and low and behold the next day he said "oh it's ok we're all friends again now"

He has done it again today, after yesterday texting his mum asking her to pick him up today he starts crying before school and won't go in I mean he is huge, pretty fat and is just impossible to manhandle to school, so he wins again. He said he is depressed this time and all his friends are picking on him?
He said he was depressed before so his mum made a doctors appointment and got outside in the car and he wouldn't get out of the car to go into the doctors so she had to cancel the appointment.
It doesn't directly affect me but I feel sorry for my mother in law. Whenever she gets time to do what she wants she can't because she has to have "him".
I feel guilty asking her to look after our children because she never gets time to herself. Am I being irrational ? He is just really starting to piss me off with his constant lies and the way he manages to get away with not going to school.
Years ago I looked after him a few times when he claimed to be poorly and everybody else had to work, guess what he was absolutely fine !

If you were his mum, I'd be advising you to contact the school for help. They can hopefully put a stop to him leaving school early etc

Has he had counselling about his Dad? Did he leave recently? I split up with ex when ds1 was in y7 and he tried this shit. I had to send him in even though he was pulling the "you're such a cruel mum" face and sending me messages to tug at my heartstrings. If she doesn't nip this in the bud now, it gets harder. Ds1 tried the not going to school thing and I told him that he had to call and explain to his year leader exactly why. He didn't but the school said that if he tried that again then they would send round a teacher to pick him up (social suicide)

When he comes home early, make sure that it is boring - no phone, Internet, games console etc. Does your sister feel guilty because his Dad is shit? It's not her fault.

She feels bad that his dad is a useless prick but they split up when he was 3 so was very young. He has so much support and love from the rest of the family and actually my nephew himself knows his dad is useless so doesn't bother to contact him himself anyway. I just feel I get made to look like the unkind auntie because I can straight through this shit.
She's been up the school and miraculously it gets sorted or my nephew will say he doesn't want to get anybody into trouble. He brings up the in sad about my dad or I'm sad because I've lost my grandad, any excuse he can think of.
My husband used to pick him up after school on Friday and my sister said oh but what about "boy" aren't you picking him up and I said erm well no because he's picking up his daughter.
It's all been about him for years and now his got competition with his nieces he doesn't like it.

My eldest DC was supposed to stay at her nans a few weeks ago and then my mother in law rang and said I'm really sorry but she can't stay because I've got "boy" and he won't sleep in my bed with grandad and he won't sleep on his own so I've got to sleep in the spare room with him . So my DC was gutted .
She does well for a single mum and I admire her for doing it alone as I don't think I could but he is taking the absolute piss and nobody seems to care.

She's pulling him out of school for a week soon to go away and she's going to say he is ill ... so he thinks lying is ok so does his mum

You sound very unsympathetic. This is a 12 year old child - children can't articulate their deeper feelings very well. If he is overweight, it is likely he is being picked on at school, perhaps covertly. He has told you he is feeling depressed. Why not listen to him however over dramatic he's being? There is obviously something making him unhappy and needing the comfort of home.

I didn't say he was a waste of space I said he knows his dad is. How silly of me to bring such a subject up when most people on here are super mums and have never done anything wrong and don't have anything bad to say about anybody.

I'm asking for advice of how to help my sister in law tackle this problem. I was giving examples of what he had done in the past. I'm not jealous of my mother in law looking after him and not my children I am annoyed at the fact that he knows her work schedule and is conveniently "ill" or "depressed" when she isn't working so he knows he will have somebody to look after him while he doesn't go to school.

May I just add that my husband and a few other family members feel the same but I just thought I would post and see if anybody had any new ideas.

I took him out for lunch once just me and him so we could talk to see if anything was up and he told me he wasn't being bullied he just hated school. ??

We've all been 12 and we've all pulled a fast one, my issue is that it's becoming a habit and I'm trying to help stop it from becoming out of control.
Thanks for the help!

Well why does he hate school?
Have you spoken to your SUL about it? Unless she agrees he's aying up on it then there isn't anything you can do

You don’t think it’s unusual that a 12 year old boy insists his grandmother sleep with him? He’s obviously desperate for comfort and reassurance.

If a child is constantly refusing to go to school and saying they are depressed or sick then there’s a deeper issue. You shouldn’t be thinking, “he’s so irritating trying to get out of school again”, you should be thinking, “what can we change so that he wants to go to school?”

It really does sound like he’s being bullied, he’s depressed and he’s desperate for security and love. If you really want to help then maybe start with some sympathy. He’s just a child.

I think it's none of your business. His mum knows better than you. He certainly does sound depressed avoiding social occasions and not wanting to leave the house or car. If you can't be supportive that's fine but at least keep your nose out.

He says he hates school because it's boring, my sister in law says she knows he is just playing up because as soon as she says it's ok for him not to go he's fine. She says he is physically too big for her to "make him go to school"

Yes I think it's strange but he had only just stopped sleeping in bed with his mum so in the family it's just "normal"

The school are adamant that he isn't been bullied, he had been secretly watched at school and none of the teachers have seen anything out of character. They say he seems happy and gets on with everybody at school. He's got a girlfriend who he's been with for nearly a year.
He doesn't avoid social occasions he tries to get out of school if he knows something is going on so he can come as well.

This is exactly the responses I was expecting. Do you really think I haven't tried to help. Isn't it possible that he is just a very clever 12 year old boy that knows his mum and nan are too soft on him? Forget I asked

She has to be tough on him and if she won't then he's screwed.
She needs to not pick him up from school early. If he refuses to get in the car of a morning then she needs to leave bus fare and tell school the absence isn't authorised. They may actually try and help then or at least the threat of mum going to prison or being fined might wake him up

Poor kid obviously has anxiety over school which may be rapidly turning into a decline in his mental health by the sounds of these texts.

This is clearly a cry for help

He pulls this shit because him mum and nan pander to it.

Yup he's doing this because it works- they are dancing to his tune.

They need to stop responding to his texts in school. Turn her phone off. If hes unwell he nerds to go to the reception desk at school who will assess him and call home if he is unwell.

I agree with others- she needs to go into the school and talk to them. They might be able to put her in charge with organisations in the local area who can help her with dealing with him. If there is a genuine bullying issue (which there may well be) they would know. Either way I would use them for help.

Perhaps your sister could contact the charity HomeStart? I think this is exactly the kind of family support they can help with.

I have a daughter who suffers from anxiety, and did from PTSD, after being in the quakes in NZ. She is also a rather smart (and lazy) little bunny who has a unique gift for wrapping the school adminstrator/nurse around her little finger. She's also coeliac, so if she says she's got a tummy ache, we have to take it seriously.

I have found that saying 'if you have to stay home, you are staying in bed with the curtains drawn so you can sleep, no screens or devices, oh, you're also on the 'BRAT' (bananas, rice, apple, toast) diet seems to help sort out whether she's actually crook or not.

I have also been known to say to the school nurse when ringing me to say I have to pick up my child, that no, she can bloody well stay there in sick bay, seems to help.

In short, treat them as if they are sick. Miserably sick. I would actually rather coddle them and spoil them when they are sick or obviously out of sorts, but I didn't find that helped them - it just made me feel like I could polish my #loving mummy halo.

It sounds like there's a lot of fingers in this pie, and all of them are enabling. He needs help to be stronger - whether that's therapy to deal with anxiety, or the modern equivalent of a swift kick up the bum. . .