Considering giving up work to be a SAHM

[stiltonontoast]

Hello.

I have an 8 month old DS. I struggled with maternity leave and suffered from PND quite badly, I had a round of therapy with the NHS which was amazing and really helped. I went back to work at the start of September, Just part-time 2 days a week in a therapists office as a receptionist. So far I've felt its been good for me to be away from my DS for a bit of time and also to feel more like old me, however the costs are not really adding up.

I earn approx £700 a month, however childcare costs us £150 a month and my travel to work costs approx £35 a month. I'm left with about £500 of my wage to add to my partners £1265 a month. That gives us £1765 + £80 child benefit money. I calculated what we'd be entitled to if I didn't work online and it would be around £650 a month in HB, tax credits and child tax credits.

My DS has been very unsettled since we've had to start leaving him in childcare 2 days a week, he never naps at the childminders which means when we pick him up in the evening he is miserable and our precious 1 hour with him before bedtime is never very happy. I spend my other 3 days getting him back into a decent routine.

I can't help but think we'd be better off if I didn't work - both financially and as a happy family, however I do worry about once DS is going to nursery / school and I've been left behind on the career ladder. I also worry about my sanity being a SAHM.

Has anyone faced similar dilemmas, what did you do?

You have not been back at work long. I think both your son and you still need some time to get used to the new routine. He is only 8 months old and will need a bit of time to settle at the childminder's. Why is he not napping when he's at the childminder's? Have you talked to her about it, does his routine when he's there need adjusting?
My opinion is that all mothers should aim to be financially independent. This doesn't mean working full time, the important thing is to keep your foot in the door so that you can up your hours if needs be. So I think your work is important, even if it doesn't earn you much more than benefits would. However, your DS is still very little and if you want become a SAHM and go back to work in a year or two you should be fine, depending on what kind of job you're aiming for.
What I'm trying to say is that you both will be fine if you decide to continue working, don't feel you have to give up work. But if you want to stay at home, you can do so because you haven't been out of the workplace for long, so time is still on your side.

Thank you @BestBeforeYesterday that was a really nice response to get.

You're right it hasn't been long, I think the initial settling back in has passed and now its dawned on me how much work this all is for very little financial gain.

Have to have a think.

Sorry to hijack - please could you tell me what PND treatment you did.
I would like to refer myself for some and not sure what to ask my GP for. I think counselling would be good.

Also - I think work is a welcome break for you and something different to add to your day. I would continue for a little bit xx

hi! @notanaturalmum (relate to this name!) It was one-to-one CBT, it was a 6 week course but I only needed 4 sessions in the end. There was a long waiting list but I got in on a cancellation luckily.

I think 2 days at work is a great balance while your DS is little. As you say in your first post,

So far I've felt its been good for me to be away from my DS for a bit of time and also to feel more like old me

Your DS will take a little while to settle at the childminders. My DD1 went to nursery at a similar age and took a while to get settle too, but ultimately loved it (and stayed there until she started school).

I'd persevere for now. It is tough going however you slice it - ft work, pt work, sah.

I agree with the previous poster that maintaining some semblance of a career is worthwhile - for your sense of self (or sanity!) now, but also for your future earnings and life once your little one and any siblings are off to school. Though I agree that it's very difficult to maintain that perspective when faced with a commute and whingy/clingy baby.

If it's helping your sanity I would definitely continue - little one will adjust - even a few months at this age makes a big difference to their routine so I would maybe see how you're doing by Xmas. Also one year olds are exhausting so you may find if you give up work you may regret it in a few months. Maybe give it 6 months and then review?

I think if it's helping your sanity then you should try and persevere. I am sure your child will get used to the routine or maybe change the childminder if it is not working. I completely understand if you feel the financial benefits are not great with you working but, if you feel it is allowing you as a person to be in the right place mentally ,this will help you be a better Mum in the long run.

However, if it is making you feel guilty leaving your LO at the childminders and you don't think he is ready to be left then I think you could maybe give yourselves another few months together and see how he gets on then.

I always believed I would back at my desk, pushing on in my career by time my DS was 6 months. Turns out having him changed me, I gave up my job. We don't claim benefits, my hubby keeps us. I believe I will never get back the younger years with my son before he goes to school and I could never put a value on that , so no amount of money would drag me back. My career can be put on hold or I will do something lower paid. But everyone is different and It sounds like your job plays quite a big part in helping you, and not just financially.

It is so hard to know what is the right thing, but only you know your child and you. So in turn , only you know what's best, and I think you should believe your instincts and go with what you think.

Good luck xx

Although looking at the figures again I am also really curious how you are only paying £150 a month for two days childcare? Round here nurseries and childminders are both at least £50 a day, some nurseries are a lot more... Not strictly relevant to your post but I am having trouble making a profit after childcare costs so the figure jumped out at me.

I think when they’re very small you feel guilty. But as they get older two days a week will probably give you that break to go and be you for a bit as the day to day grind can be a bit much (speaking as someone who wasn’t able to work as I have two kids with special needs). I’d keep going. For now anyway and your son will start to get used to it.

It's only been a month, so you've been to work, him to the childminders what eight times?

I'd also persevere, decent part time jobs are not that easy to come by, and you maintain a sense of self worth, independence, being more than just a mum, and children grow up fast, before you know it he will be in school or on his free nursery hours. You're also protecting your future earning potential and your pension.

I'd stick at it.

Remember, the financial gain from working may be minimal in the early years - but when your children hit school age, you will earn far more as someone who has worked part time for a few years than someone who has been out of employment for several years. Even if you're only breaking even, there's a financial gain later from having kept a foot in the door work-wise.