I really need some help!

[starlord84]

Parents please offer me some advice anything!

When we initially became parents I was at university and my partner was working as a contractor, we did not have any money. I struggled through university at the same time as working full time. My son has been in full time nursery since he was 6 weeks old he is now 7 and still access wrap around care around school. My partner unfortunately passed away 4 yrs ago and neither of us have extended family so I am on my own.

I admit that I have not always been the best parent (and times are still really really hard) I have given in to my sons demands and it is now hitting me. I have used things like ipads and TVs to parent and he is pretty obsessed with things like the Avengers and Spiderman, he has been watching spiderman since he was about 3 maybe. He plays the Playstation and he has been playing Lego games for some time.

My little boy has always been boystrous with other children, he has always fought others. He is getting better but not really. Today he kicked another child in the stomach and pulled them to the ground by their tie. He shows little remorse for his actions and can at times be very very nasty. Almost like a bully.

I have been thinking and I think it's all my fault for letting him watch things like spiderman and fighting programs from a young age that now he cant tell the different between real life and play. The headteacher said it's because he is an only child and needs to spend more time with other children his age (doesnt school do that ?!!?) but I think he is just modelling the behaviour I have allowed him to see (if that makes sense).

So, I have spent some time researching this and trying to make him a kinder child and switching the TV off, doing more jobs around the house, more rewards for good behaviour, more praise. But it's not working, we have had 3 serious incidents this school term already - next time will be a suspension. When I talk to him he says he gets too excited and doesn't know how to calm down - I've got him one of those squishy balls but it doesn't really work when he is in the moment. I talk to him about his dad all the time, do you think that's okay he doesn't really remember him, maybe I am confusing him??

How can I make him kinder? How can I stop him from being the school bully. This is all my fault, is it too late is the damage irreversible? He isn't always like this he does have a really kind sweet side but the school dont really talk to me about that.

Has anyone experienced something similar, please let me know how you managed this.

Op it seems like you’ve had it really tough.
Does the school have any other concerns regarding his development or behaviour?

It seems like you’re doing the right things regarding switching off the tv and iPads. It’s not something that will happen overnight. Just keep going.
How much time do you get with him?
The best thing you can do is focus your time on him. Get him out in nature as much as possible. Weekends spent going for walks and letting him run, climb trees, can be really beneficial.
Watch tv that’s calming and educational.
There are some good things on cbbc like wildlife programmes and blue peter.
I think it’s lovely that you speak to him about his dad. Please don’t stop doing that.

Hi, thank you for your reply.

School said he is doing really well development/academic wise, he is above his peers for some things and in line for the rest. The school sometimes put him on a behaviour plan and stop his play time and when he was in nursery a teacher would take him for 1:1 time and support him with sharing because he wouldn't share even now he gets really upset when he cant answer questions in class. Maybe that's an only child thing I don't know.
I dont get much time with him in the week he is in wrap around club from 8am - 6pm :( I have tried to adjust my hours but I'm the only income. I spend all weekend with him though. Usually I am cleaning and trying get him to chip in - Maybe going out and having some play time will be beneficial, we go to the park but it's often only quick. I wish I had more time with him. I wish I didn't have to work! I like your ideas thank you I will plan something this weekend see if he likes it :) xx

It's taken 7 years to get to his current behaviour so it's going to take a while before any changes embed in and become second nature. So don't give up on what you're doing.

I agree with the PP about getting out and about, really being attentive when you're with him. Talk to him about feelings and how things can affect other people, he needs to learn the language of emotions to help him empathise with others.

Do you have any tips on how to talk to him about feelings? I always ask how he thinks the other person feels when he hurts them, he gives me the right answers but doesn't seem to get it. When you say 'language of emotions' do you mean - like what love is and how it feels etc?

That’s really great that he’s doing well in school.
I know housework needs to be done and it’s brilliant that you’re getting him to help out, but do get out and about on weekends too.
The national trust promotes kids and nature activities and have some good ideas if you’re looking for inspiration.
www.nationaltrust.org.uk/50-things-to-do

I have boys and I know that they are different people after fresh air and exercise. I would try and get him out in the fresh air, running around, scooting, biking etc as much as possible and just burn up lots of energy that way, every day if possible. My boys are so much more relaxed and chilled out once they've had exercise. And so am I. Maybe it will help him.
You sound like you are trying your best. It's hard work being a parent.

I think stop blaming yourself for the cartoons. Lots of kids watch cartoons and have parents that work full time. His behaviour is surely more likely to be as a result of losing his dad at a young age, bless him. You sound like a lovely and caring parent which is the most important factor.

Hi Op, it sounds really tough. You sound very switched on and engaged.

I would be looking to get him involved in sports at this age. Is there anything he likes to take part in or any clubs local to you? The activity itself I mis great, but children get so much more from participating and you’ll benefit too.

It must seem so overwhelming, and suggesting you commit to something else might not seem helpful right now I know.

I guess I mean narrating to him about what his emotions are, and naming them. So I might say to my son (who is 6) that I can seen he's feeling frustrated/sad/happy/excited/disappointed/etc and talk about how I know that. I talk about how I'm feeling, as well, and why. I talk about other people's emotions, not just when he's done something wrong but generally so it's not just about bad behaviour.

I don't know if you saw the BBC documentary "No more boys and girls..."? They did a study on the 7 year olds in the school and found that the only emotion the boys could name was anger! It was shocking. I was already trying to think about empathy and emotions but that really made the point to me.

Stuff like this website is the sort of thing I mean:

raising-independent-kids.com/talk-kids-emotions/

You are all so kind - thank you xxxx

Thank you everyone these ides are great youre really helping to think clearer :) There's a football group on a Sat morning I've been thinking of taking him maybe that will help burn off some energy too.

Thank you for the National Trust page (reading it now :) ) We haven't done much adventuring together before, maybe if I can show him to be kind to the outdoors "picking litter up etc" that might rub off in school! I can't believe I didn't think if this stuff before!

Thank you for the emotions tips, I've never spoken to him about feelings before not in that much detail (never know what to say really) I will try that tomorrow too - I do tend to focus on the bad too! Tomorrow I talk about some positive things see if that has any effect.

It might be worth asking at school if there’s any support - ours has a school counsellor and it’s fairly relaxed.

I asked school they said they dont have the funding anymore. The headteacher is going to speak to the SENCO but hes not throwing tables around etc he knows right from wrong he just cant play nicely hes too rough

I’m a big believer in sport being great for kids. Any physical activity really, but something that can be shared with others - with someone else in charge.

I’m a single parent to four, but I imagine being a single parent to 1 is pretty intense, and working as you do must be hard to get any time for you to do anything.

Our national trust membership is £70 a year. It's been brilliant for exploring new places/cheap days out/ family walks with the dog.

A bit controversial- but do you have any pets? My cat really helped when my dad left as a 7 year old and as she slept on mums bed was a way in for her to start conversations with me while I was calm and distracted. Obviously not for everyone and only a suggestion. They are used in some behaviour units as a way of calming people- only ones the animals are safe with, obviously.

Sports and outdoors definitely sound like the way forward thankyou everyone :)

We do have a cat i have never thought of using him for therapy before. I see what youre thinking. I might get him to be in charge of feeding him and take some responsibility for him.

Perhaps taking responsibility for feeding could be rewarded with a treat after sport/ outdoor activities too

The triple p parenting course may be really helpful, it discusses how to talk with children about emotions, putting boundaries into place and is a good place to build a support network. They are free and you can self refer.

Thank you I am considering taking a parenting course as I tried to have a conversation with him last night and this morning and I really struggled with finding the words. He has had a bad week this week already 3 parents have been in to complain about him hitting their child . The headteacher is referring him to their SENCO and looking at some Lego Play. The teacher today said that it only happens at break times when he is out of adult supervision in class he is well behaved. It's like he doesn't know how to act in social situations.
I have registered him with the football club and on Saturday I am taking up to a local forest for a run around/adventure. I hasn't watched any TV this week, I have made him help me round the house with chores and done some reading together. Early days but I hope this works.
Thank you again everyone you have really helped me think outside the box still a long way to go!