Grandparents and poor behaviour

[chillybottom]

Would welcome some objective opinions on this.

I have a DS (4), who loves his grandmother. She absolutely dotes on him and her other grandchildren. We see her about one weekend a month as she lives quite far away. But whenever she visits, his behaviour deteriorates. He won't listen to us, bedtime is a big struggle, more tantrums etc. He wants DM to do everything for him, which is ok within reason, but there are certain things we want to do ourselves. The family dynamic completely changes: DS and DM play all day, and I feel like me and DH are just there to provide meals and tell them it's bedtime etc.

On one hand, she's great as she will literally play with DS all day. On the other hand, he is spoiled both with things and attention. So every time she comes he gets some kind of present and some chocolate. But it's more than that - she is quite permissive with his behaviour. So if he whines or talks rudely to her she won't correct him, for example. She really hates to say no to him.

I don't know how much of this is actually anyone's fault. I have historically had a strained relationship with DM, so I have a lot of baggage which makes it difficult to think objectively. I do think that she is quite needy and therefore loves that he adores her. She loves to tell him that he is "her best frwiend" (said in a silly baby voice), which annoys me.

I'm beginning to dread the visits. Does anyone have any advice on how to manage this situation?

I can completely relate. In fact I have had threads about it. I’m afraid not much has worked. My children still behave much worse when my parents are around.

I dread visits and it has completely spoiled my relationship with my parents. In an attempt to give you some hope, things have improved slightly with age (my children are 5 and 7) and with talking harshly with my parents about not too many treats and the need for discipline.

I manage it my limiting contact as much as possible, being incredibly stressed during visits and counting the hours until it is over. None of which makes any of us happy .

TooStressy do your parents also devote their entire attention to the kids when they visit? Are they also very permissive with behaviour? I know that we are supposed to the the parents, not DM, but as she is obviously a big role model in his life I feel like she should be letting him know that she expects better behaviour. In fact, she has previously told me that you have to let them be bossy when they are little so they don't end up being pushovers when they grow up..

Honestly one weekend a month I would let it go. My MIL is obsessed with both my DC and I always find behaviour of my 8yo (youngest is only 2 so it isnt yet causing an issue) after a weekend with his GPs is questionable. Manifests as being overly cheeky and generally pushing his luck with me and DH. To be fair my MIL always pulls him up on it if she is around and she says he is good as gold when with just her and my FIL which I am sure he is!

I think it is just him sussing out how he can play us all

I don't get a look in if they are around but I have come to see it as a really lovely thing. I do everytbing for them the rest of the time and I think a close relationship with GPs is really special. I am also very grateful as they will always help us out with childcare and even just have the kids regularly because they want to spend time with them.

If i were you I would make the most of her visits and leave them to it for a few hours or even overnight if you can! Make the most of being able to enjoy a few child free hours knowing DS is with someone he adores.

Is he ok if she puts him to bed? If so just let her do it rather than fighting it. Any close family and even friends usually get requested as story readers by my eldest if they are around at bedtime!

Nothing wrong though with asking her to make sure she reinforces manners etc. Just tell her (a white lie) you have been having some issues recently and are trying to be consistent with him?

Good luck :)

Oh and as for presents I think once a month as long as it isn't something extravagant really isn't that big a deal as long as you hammer it home to DS that he needs to say thankyou etc...

Get her to do bedtime. What is it you want to do yourself? It’s only a couple of days a month and he’s 4. Throw him at her and go out just you and DH.

At that age he will definitely sense any antagonism between you and exploit it. It’s what they do. Like when kids decide one parent is their favourite. It’s all about boundaries and limits and seeing if mum still loves you even when she’s feeling rejected and pissed off. Best thing is to just rise above it IMO, if he knows he can wind you up or get attention by playing on the whole ‘best friend’ or ‘grandma gives me chocolate’ thing he will ham it up on purpose.

I do try to let it go Hovis but it is so stressful.

Yes they devote all their attention, except in the evenings when we are shattered when they then want to talk to us about any parental failings we have once the kids are in bed.

Super permissive yes. Any disciplining we do is met with horror.

Presents are constant and often big. They like to take them shopping.

She does do bedtime, DS insists on it. I want DH or myself to brush his teeth though so I can make sure they are done properly. Once she's put him to bed, he won't stay there, up and downstairs all evening, trying to get into her bed.

What else do I want to do for him? I want him to ride in our car not hers as I'm not confident of her car seat. When it's time to go somewhere or have dinner, I want him to listen rather than have a tantrum because I'm disrupting his playtime with grandma. And finally, if she is here for 2-3 days, it can be weird because I don't really interact with him much. I'm worried about Christmas for this reason.

I’m definitely sensing there’s a backstory with you and your mum. I wouldn’t think to monitor MIL brushing teeth as I’m confident in her ability to keep the kids at a basic standard of health and cleanliness.

If you’re not confident about her car seat can you get her to take it out so it’s clearly not an option.

Yes there's a backstory and baggage which is why I was trying to look for objective opinions. I wouldn't mind her doing the odd teeth brushing, but not four times in a row. I had cavities in my milk teeth as a child.

...and he is not the most compliant of children when it comes to brushing teeth

Talking objectively my kids are worse behaved / more cheeky when they have seen grandma (MIL). Bit like being hyper after a party. I see it as a good sign that they’ve had fun.

MIL is very permissive. I can’t be arsed to challenge it anymore. It doesn’t seem to have had an impact on their behaviour elsewhere.

She really doesn’t sound that bad. Try not to drag the baggage into their relationship. Explain to MIL what the house rules are and insist she enforces them while she is visiting.