Quiting Breast Feeding - feel like a failure

[CJ1990]

Hi Ladies,

I don’t know what I’m after posting this, but I’m just a little down.

My baby is 4 weeks and we have had issues from the start with breast feeding. Originally it was due to her tounge tie but that was fixed and it’s no better.

I had to top her up with formula before the tounge tie was fixed and she slept really well when we did that, and seemed content. However, if I breast feed it takes hours. She gets frustrated, then I do which doesn’t help.

I’ve been to breast feeding support groups and it helps for a day but then for some reason I seem to loose the nack again and her feeding goes to rubbish again.

I feel it’s best for my sanity if I just accept defeat and bottle feed her. I’ve tried to pump but never get enough. She just seems more content after a bottle as she isn’t hungry what feels like every 5 minutes. And all I’m doing at night is crying as I’m desperate for sleep.

I feel like a bad parent though. There seems such a stigma to formula feeding and I just feel so guilty I won’t be giving my daughter the best start, just because I can’t seem to get the hang of feeding :(

You have given her the best start, which is a loving and caring mother. Switch to formula, let your baby be content and get some sleep.

You are not a failure. You have tried and you are exhausted. Do what you need to do for yourself and your baby

Feeding is not easy and sometimes it just doesn't work out. You gave it a good go and have done your best to get breastfeeding to work for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with recognising that bottle feeding is the better option for you. You are not accepting defeat you are doing what is best for your family to keep your baby fed and content and to keep you healthy (and sane!). I have lots of friends who formula fed, mix fed, breast fed etc and there is absolutely no discernible difference between all the kiddies - they are loved and fed and that is all that matters.

At 4 weeks it does feel like they feed non-stop and being exhausted is perfectly normal, it will get a lot better if you keep trying. Everything feels worse when you've had no sleep

You are not a failure OP.
Breastfeeding is hard, for you & baby, she’s fussing because she’s trying to build your supply & has to work at it.

BUT you do what is best for you, if you want to switch to formula, do it. You’ve done amazing & you have to do what is best for you as well as baby.

You do what is right for you. But as pp said, constantly feeding at 4 weeks is normal. Babies are putting their order in for more milk. The more they feed the more milk you make. If you supplement your body has to play catch up, and your baby will need to feed more frequently.

If you want to continue it’s vital you have some support at hand. Dedicate a whole week to just both of you feeding, sleeping, feeding and sleeping to baby’s timetable.

However you decide to feed your baby, be proud that you got to 4 weeks, with TT baby which already makes you amazing.

Her being fussy and feeding lots (especially in the evening) is completely normal and she is building up your milk supply. It's hard and terribly lonely I know. FWIW, I found it a lot easier after 8 weeks and enjoy it now (mostly) at 9ish months.

However, if you want to stop then you can. Please don't call it quitting, because that's so hard on you, call it stopping. You tried, you continued through a tongue tie, but if it's not working for you both anymore then stopping is okay.

You're not a failure! You've done a cracking job and given her the best possible start.

I was in the exact same situation as you and we moved to formula at a similar time - best thing we ever did! I wasn't stressed, DD thrived, her Dad and the grannies could all give her a bottle - it was a turning point for us!

You are not a failure. You are trying to do what's best for your child and by trying to do that it shows you are a fantastic mum.

Both of mine had formula from much younger than yours. I haven't encountered any stigma from it. Breast feeding was not easy in my case and I decided to do what was best for everyone in our family and formula feed. My boys are older now and thriving.

As someone who ended up with PND, I would strongly urge you to do what makes life easier, you as a parent happier and your baby happier as well.

Thanks ladies, bit of a hormonal night but feel better about it this morning :) breast feedings Just making me miserable. I guess it’s just not worth the stress! I don’t want to remember the early weeks as just me being a mess because of her feeds :(

I feel very sad when I read posts like this .

Formula is not blended mac Donald’s. It a healthy alternative . The pressure to b feed is ridiculous .

What is best for you as a family is what is best

Do not feel guilty or that you have failed. Breastfeeding is hard if there aren't complications let alone with the issues you have had. The best thing for your baby is to be fed and you happy. Would combination feeding be an option? Do not feel guilty if you stop!

Really feel for you OP. Breastfeeding
Is so hard for most of us.

I had to quit after six weeks when I had surgery for a large breast abscess. I was heartbroken about having to quit. Felt so down about it.

DS is six months now and looking back now I can't believe how upset I was over this when baby was thriving on formula.

However I enjoyed breastfeeding and was getting to a stage where it was getting much easier and convenient for me.

I will just say never quit on a bad day. Give baby a couple of bottles if possible and try to get some sleep. You might feel much better and might decide to continue or maybe even combi feed baby.

Also is there a qualified lactation consultant at your breastfeeding support group? There wasn't at the group I used to go to. If not, it might be worth your while trying to get a 1:1 session with someone reputable.

I stopped after about 5 weeks and regretted it for a long time. Tongue-tie and terrible reflux made things hard and weight loss was 12% so basically made to supplement with some formula. I'm not saying to carry on or to stop but just to have a think about how you will feel in a few months time with your decision. I think the main thing that got me down was knowing in my heart that I could have tried harder (not suggesting this is your case). Second time I really persevered. No tongue tie or reflux this time but still lost 14% weight and was admitted back to hospital and made to supplement. Used a hospital grade pump and expressed (lots) and took various supplements and medication to try and boost supply but still had to combination feed as I just don't make much milk. Made it to 5 months with combination feeding and then got the flu and what little supply I had vanished basically overnight. It wasn't till knowing I had done everything possible second time around and it still not working that I forgave myself. I know that there is nothing wrong with using formula and it is entirely your choice and I never judge either way I just also know that I beat myself up about it and wouldn't to want you to do that to yourself. If you think you might regret your choice maybe set yourself a target of continuing for say 1 more week before deciding. But it is absolutely ok to stop and try not to be hard on yourself if you choose to. Good luck.

I’ve had to supplement with formula since birth as my LG had a low birth weight, was basically told either get her to latch half an hour after giving birth or give her formula, if I don’t do either then my LG is going on the special care unit!

Was absolutely terrified, I did not know milk was not there straight away and I had not heard about colostrum :-(

So I gave her a bottle, and ever since then my LG has not been able to feed from me directly, she will latch, realise that it’s a lot harder than having a bottle, she will then detach and start getting stressed and start crying, which in turn stressed me out!

I’ve pumped for her for nearly four months but my supply is dwindling now and I’m using formula more and more. I felt like a massive failure, however as pp have said you have given her the best start and your little one is fed and healthy! I even got myself a prep machine and we have a little joke in our house as we call it baby’s coffee machine!

If you’re on Facebook try joining support groups for formula feeding it’s really handy talking to other mums in similar situations.

I also feel there should be more support for BF because it’s hard and I think the current system for it does not work, as it seems it’s making mums miserable.xx

there isn't enough support for BF, pushing lecturing pamphlets and the odd dvd at people is just nowhere near it - but also I bf both of mine and it wasn't as hard as Op describes, Op, I'd have given up too in your shoes, the happiness of your baby and you is more important - the person that said formula isn't blended macdonald's is spot on.

I struggled massively to breastfeed. No obvious issues, DD just couldn’t figure out how to latch properly. It was a relentless cycle of trying to feed a screaming infant, pumping and trying to sleep. It was horrific. I went to breastfeeding clinics at least once a week until DD was 12 weeks old and had to supplement with formula until then. Pumping was miserable and became less and less effective over the weeks.

I was MISERABLE. The guilt to continue was overwhelming but I did it. As a result I have very few happy memories of my DD’s first few months. If I’m honest I’m not sure breastfeeding was worth all that. I kept going until about 10/11 months. I’m due DC2 in the next couple of weeks. I’m going to try again but if it is as hard as it was with DD, I will try and accept it’s not happening.
It’s so hard when you want to do it and you know it’s best but circumstances make it unmanageable or nearly impossible, even with support. Hormones don’t help. I found all the NHS posters promoting breastfeeding particularly unhelpful. They all made it look easy and a simple choice, when for me it was incredibly difficult and it nearly broke me.

Thanks everyone for the replies. The way they promote breast feeding definitely doesn’t help! They do make it look like it should be so easy but most people seem to struggle with it..I’ve decided I’ll give it another week to see what happens :) thank you for the advise and input! It’s made me feel a lot better!

i so agree about the stupid posters and simple leaflets demonstrating the football hold or whatever it is - just makes you feel like you're a failure if you can't position your baby correctly and actually it can be really hard to get that right.

I feel you OP! My baby is a month old today and I feel like giving up to although she's only feeding every 5 mins during the day but as soon as she has some formula she sleeps!

Decided to
Mix feed :) one formula bottle a day (at night) to help get her to sleep. The rest breast! Hopefully anyway...!

CJ1990 that’s great news you need to do what is best for you, because you need to be as well rested as possible to look after your little one!

As soon as I decided to combination feed, instead of exclusively pumping it felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders and it made me and LO a lot happier :-)

Good luck xx

I have had the same experience my daughter is 16 days old. She didn't feed for nearly 36hrs after she was born which worried me but midwife said ok. We had issues breastfeeding & some midwifes were so rough with us trying to help it put me off. We were then told she was tongue tied & advised to cup feed which was so had & took ages when I asked to bottle feed they moaned at me & refused to help me which I thought was bad considering 90% of others there went straight to bottle. Once Home I bottle feed while trying to express but like you got nothing. I tried breastfeeding too & she just wants a bottle afterwards.
All this was making me feel very low & upset and my daughter want getting enough food so I have now decided to just bottle feed as it's better for us both
Don't beat yourself up over it you baby needs feeding & as long as they are feed & happy that's all that matters

I have a 17 and 14 year old.
Parenting is all about picking your battles.
You are not a failure - you are doing the best for your baby. If your baby is fed and loved it doesn't matter if you breast or bottle feed.
Try not to have rigid ideas as you continue on your parenting journey - it really is best just to go with what feels right at the time.