Please help...

[pinkdolly]

Arrgh, I just wrote a huge message and accidently deleted it, so I will try and condense this a bit.

Basically I am concerned about my sis and her dd.

My sister has a very temper. She has Frequent rows with her partner and my mum has informed me that she has gone at him with an axe and a knife. I know that she has hit him and thrown a telephone at him. I also know that he locked her in the garage once to protect himself. All of this goes on with an 18 month old in the house.

Well today I was on the end of her rage.
Basically her dd was punching and pushing my dd(nearly 4). I waited for my sis to intervene and when she didn't I said in a soft tone "K' please dont do that to S' its not very nice"

To which my sis snapped "S' your in K's comfort circle"

What an earth is all that about?
My dd was playing happily and didn't even realise K was there until she started hitting her.

Anyway later on my dd was having a rest and K' started to snatch her blanket. My dd got upset and when my sis didn't say anything I intervened again.

To whihc my sis snapped "K' doesn't understand she's only young S' used to do it that when she was little"

I appreciate that my dd probably did but I always reprimanded bad behaviour.

Anyway about 10 mins later my sis flipped. Attacked me saying that i'd been having a go at her dd all morning. She was literally screaming the place down ffing this and ffing that. The children were all crying petrified. The more I tried to calm her down the worse she got.
She called me a bad parent because I dont send the girls to school (I am homeschooling them).

I was very shaken up the whole affair and so were my girls.

I am very concerned about her little dd as she has to live with this anger and violence at home.

My mum thinks she is depressed. She has been on AD's before but took herself off them.

I really dont know what to do, her behaviour was enough to scare me let alone the children.

Any advice?

sounds like your sister has some serious issues!! how do you normally get on with her? does your mum always discuss her life with you? and does your sis know this? if so, it could be she feels as if she is on trial all the time iyswim? i used to get so angry with my mum for this. i always felt like a bit of a 'black sheep of the family' and always felt i was being 'picked on'. the anger that came from me was crazy!

not excusing violence in front of kids btw!!

no it's not like that. my sis and her partner are always falling out. her partner always phones my mum to ask for help in dealing with her. My sis has often told me about things herself. It was her who told me she threw a phone at him and had hit him.

My mum puts up with an awful lot and I think she needs to unburden herslelf at times so she talks about things.

When we were teenagers I was v.scared of my sister and her tantrums. But generally I get on with her these days. We are not really close but we are usually friends. This came out of no where today, it knocked me off my feet coz I wasn't expecting it.

Maybe you could try inviting her out for a girlie dinner, just the two of you, with the purpose of discussing what happened that day and trying to sort it.

Explain to her that you would like to understand what went wrong, and that you are there for her, but you will no longer bring your children round to her place if she does not control her temper, as she really scared them.

coming from someone who experienced the feeling of rage (beyond belief) honestly i was so bad! she must have a reputation within the family for a temper? am i right? perhaps she felt you were judging her on her parenting skills? or perhaps just 'looking for a fight' i dont know. to scream like that in front of the kids is unacceptable of course it is..but i cant help but feel this temper of hers has sprung from somewhere? can you not ask to meet her with no kids around..go for a coffee somewhere and talk? without accusing each other. i think if you can bring up the subject of growing up you might find something you didnt know exsisted! how old is she?

Thanx, this actually happened at my mum's. I I explained to mum that I think it best if I dont come over when she is here just for a bit. As I dont think it's fair for my dd's to get smacked and pushed around and after today I would be too afraid to repremand her dd.

REgarding asking her to go out. It might work, but there's no talking to her at the moment. She has text mum and told her that her dd will not be a bridesmaid for her as I say she has to control her (I never did say that). Mum is obviously upset at this.

I will have to give her some space to calm down for a bit.

The rage sprang from me asking her dd not to be nasty to my dd's. Which I think is a prefectly acceptable thing to do.

I have an 11 month old and I tell her "no" if she pulls my dd's hair. And she knows what it means. So I am sure an 18 month can understand that too.

Yes, my sis does have a reputation for her temper. I was afraid of her when I was little because of this.

Again...meeting up might work when she has calmed down. But not yet.

I might understand her being slightly annoyed with her if I were trying to tell her how to discipline her dd. But I didn't.

Surely I shouldn't ignore her dd's bad behaviour just because my sis refuses to tell her off, my kids were getting hurt.

no, no pinky im not having a go at you hun honest! you have every right to protect your dd! i know i would!! but it sounds, from what you say that she was deliberatly not telling her dd off. spoiling for a fight mabe? to go off in such a rage over this tells me something is underlying within your sis. i know know that when i speak to my sis she tells me terrible things about me!! she was terrified!! but i had underlying issues that made me flip at what seemed to everyone else as minor iyswim.

Without knowing or understanding the circumstances, meaning, it is always difficult when you do not know or see someone to make an assessment and then comment, I would like to add that I think by trying to keep the peace (so to speak) is only putting a bandage on a very sore wound. It sounds that your sister might need to see a professional regarding her anger issues, (you say she had to be restrained by putting her in a safe place, the garage) it sounds to me as if this might need urgent attention for the sake of her little baby and children are very impressionable and the impact this kind of behavior can have on them could be detrimental. Please convince her to seek help, or ask someone to intervene, it sounds as if planned intervention is needed.

pinkdolly, this sounds like a terrifying situation. I think it also highlights that it is not always women who suffer domestic abuse, which is what is going on here. Your sister needs some help with her temper, what is she loses it with her child? If i were you, i would talk to your mum and both of you insist she goes to her doctor and ask for help, never mind keeping the peace. In the long term, she will see it was with her best interests at heart.

Pinkdolly - this sounds so similar to an ongoing problem I had with my sister. Ours came to a head when our DC's were only a few month's old but I'm glad it did in hindsight because my sister has got help, she is much happier and we have a really good relationship as a result. Like you I was terrified of her temper growing up and when she had kids I was scared for them too. She "lost it" at me once too many and I for the first time ever shouted at her back and then refused to have anything more to do with her. It was like the wake up call she needed. It took about a month for her to come round but when she did she was like a different person. She got counselling and we talked a lot about our childhood etc and since then it's been really positive. She's now a lot less volatile with any of us. I think it may be worth confronting her on neutral territory and saying her behaviour isn't acceptable and you won't allow it around your children. It may just be the shock she needs in to realising things have to change.

Hope it gets sorted

Can I just add, that talking to her, asking her to see doctors which she clearly needs isn't really an option. This has been the same since we were little, and she will blame everyone but herelf for her problems. I witnesed her chasing my sis(pink) round the house screaming I am going to rip your head off, coz pink asked her to pick up something that she(not pink) chucked on there bedroom floor. She also went mad at dad and tried to push his mororbike over coz her asked her to wash up(we all had our chores to do)
TBH our parents have let her get away with anything. I do think she really needs help, we have all tried keeping the peace, but I can see this ending in her being arrested and her dd been taken away. Better just add that her dd dad, is just as bad really, tho not as voilent. AP

Saw the other thread too but got interrupted by DS before I could post. Could it be hormonal? I used to get really bad rages with PMT. Threw things at DH - no axes or knives to hand thankfully! I had acupuncture for the PMT and it really helped.