Child psychologist approach - advise please

[FeedleDee]

Hi there,

I wonder if anyone can help me.

I took my 10 year old daughter to a child psychologist for the first time and she came home asking whether her birth was planned and whether she "was a wanted baby."

My daughter was obvious distressed and I was extremely alarmed with the psychologist for obviously putting these ideas into my daughter's head.

I spoke with the psychologist, expressing my concern. Whilst its obviously difficult and perhaps inappropriate to create a group of 'off-limits' topics, I don't want someone to put a load of negative concepts in my daughter's head, that weren't there before, causing her distress.

The psychologist said that her role is to talk with a child about any topic at all (no matter how sensitive) and see how the conversation / topic develops. The psychologist said that the idea is for the child to return home to the parents and be able to ask questions, potentially questions that the child hadn't thought about or been able to shape previously.

Whilst I hope that my daughter did and does feel very wanted indeed, having not engaged with a child psychologist previously, I feel concerned.

Is the way that child psychology usually works? Should I be having a conversation with my daughter after each psychology session to attempt to unpick / work through any negative issues? Should the psychologist perhaps be sharing with me the topics that were covered, so I know where to nudge?

Any thoughts appreciated :O)

Need background as to why your daughter is seeing a psychologist.

What MrsPatrick said.

Did your child feel unwanted- is that why she was seeing a psychologist? Need more information about the context. Therapy should be a safe space for a child to express concerns , wishes etc whatever that is. I would doubt that the psychologist would randomly ask your child this without prompting from your child. The therapist may want to support your child to open up a dialogue with you so yes there may be an expectation that you will make space to discuss things with your child.

Thanks for the response. I have 3 children - this is the middle one. There seems to be a bit of middle-child-syndrome i.e. she isn't the first to do things and she isn't the 'baby.' She gets on well with her older sister, but fights like crazy & is highly competitive with her younger brother. We try and make time specifically for her, however life is really busy. We're taking her to the psychologist to try and understand her better / enable us to communicate better, to ultimately make her a happier child.

Are you in the U.K. OP?

I think you would have benefitted from knowing the approach beforehand from the psychologist. Did you sit down with your daughter and answer the questions? It must have been important to her to know the answers.

But isn't it a good thing she is engaging with the psychologist and asking you questions based on the sessions? Her question does seem to relate to the issues you've mentioned. Perhaps she does want to know and she led the conversation there? Or maybe the psychologist helped her to frame her question? She's 10, old enough to have challenging thoughts she just might be unable to articulate. I went to a psychologist and hated it because it was very much led by my own thoughts and I (aged 13) wanted her to tell me something new.

“Whilst I hope that my daughter did and does feel very wanted indeed” Sorry can’t quote properly - have you actually addressed this directly with her? Be positive, tell her that of course she was planned/wanted. Make it about her; look at her baby book; look at her photos etc. How is her esteem in general? I am sorry I don’t have three children so no direct experience of the middle child thing but I think it’s really important to acknowledge her as an individual. Sibling relationships are complex. I am still a little perplexed about the involvement of the psychologist. In what other ways is she unhappy? How is school? How are friendships?

If the context is as simple as you describe then no, a psychologist would not normally ask such a question out of the blue and early on. What qualifications and professional registrations has the psychologist got? “Child psychologist” is not actually technically a professional title. Is this person a clinical psychologist? Are you seeing this person privately or through the NHS?

It may have been your daughter raising the topic with the psychologist. She's going to come back with questions ... that's to be expected. The main thing is how you react... keep an open dialogue and answer her questions in a loving way that will reinforce how special and loved she is

Absolutely you'd want a child to go home and start talking to their parents. Quite often, parents expect services like CAMHS to "fix" their child, but changes need to be made and maintained in the home environment too - as that's where the issues were noticed, not in an artificial therapy room!

I agree you should be invited in after the session to confirm what topics your daughter may raise. Perhaps a joint where therapist can see first hand how you answer or respond as there may be adaptations to your approach which may help. For example if you are initially quiet when asked a question (thinking of appropriate response) would your child view this as stalling. And maybe an agreed phrase would enable your child to know you are thinking and not ignoring them may help. Just a thought.

*joint session. ..... not a joint 😂😂😂😂😂

Is it possible your daughter voiced a feeling that you already had a daughter and you really wanted a boy? Or that you like her older sister better? Not suggesting you do but it wouldn’t be a huge leap for any child to wonder this. If she voiced it, the CP may have helped her to frame it as a question to ask you. It just wouldn’t happen for the psychologist to lead her into this line of thinking - it’s certain that something in this area was already on her mind. Good luck.