Challenging behaviour at toddler group

[Popsicales]

My DS is 18 months old and my DD is 4 months old. DS is a whirlwind, he is in to everything, he doesn’t care too much for toys but loves to open and close doors and generally destroy everything in his path. He won’t sit down at toddler group at all, he runs riot when they try to do story time and nursery rhymes. If I try and bring him to the circle he has a meltdown and bangs his head on the floor. He spends about half an hour trying to escape from the room.

I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging. Especially as they all seem to have lovely quiet and obedient children. But it’s a bit of an ordeal tbh.

Has anybody been in this situation? Do you have any tips on how to deal with it?

Ideally I want to carry on going to the toddler groups, as I want DS to get used to it and DD loves to watch the world go by when we’re there.

People will always judge whether your child is 4 months 18 months or 12 years old. As long as you know your not just sitting back ignoring behavior then you are doing your best. My children are 11 and 9 years both with autism and this can still be a regular occurrence people who judge are ignorant and forget children are all different and it makes the situation harder for you to deal with.
As for tips distraction and gentle persuasion works if there is anything your child really is attached to (toy, picture, cushion etc) try to have that in the area to encourage he stays in the area. Then if he enjoys the activity he may be encouraged to stay without distraction.
You can pick up door fiddle boards that have doors and latches to open and close, maybe try something like that.

Thank you. We’ve got the Melissa and Doug fiddle boards and they do get his attention. I just worry about him and his behaviour when I see him next to other children, he looks so obviously different. I’m going to speak to my HV as I genuinely wonder whether he can hear me around 50% of the time, although the GP said his ears appear fine when I made an appointment about him falling over a hell of a lot.

I suppose I’m concerned that he might be showing signs of autism (my DB is on the spectrum) but I understand it’s too early to peruse a diagnosis or even get a referral to a paediatrician.

*Peruse= persue

Don't assume there is an issue, you must not compare your child with anyone else, my two boys are poles apart.
Unfortunately it is a long road to a diagnosis my children were suspected of autism when they were 4 years old, youngest didn't have a diagnosis until 9 years old even though it was blatantly obvious.

The biggest problem is other people who like to judge both you and your child everyone can see where your going wrong and what they think is wrong with your child this makes you more anxious meaning your not approaching the situation how you would maybe at home. Don't conform to others them.

If you're concerned there is an issue with development (it doesn't have to be as specific as an asd), then 18 months us nit to young to raise concerns.

Are there any other issues that give you cause for concern - speech? Physical issues? Health?

Ime handing the baby over to a willing dm is a way of having some time with the other dc - better able to handle him. People would rather help than see you struggle coping with 2 at a play group. My dd's are a year apart and someone was always willing (desperate!) to cuddle her! Made her less clingy imo too!

If he's trying to escape the room he's telling you he doesn't want to be there. Whether it's too noisy and busy, he doesn't like the proximity to the other children, or having to be still and do something language based is too hard for him, he's showing you it isn't interesting or fun for him yet. In six months time he may feel differently and be ready for it.

Might he enjoy something like Tumble Tots more where he can be active and on the go, or a sensory play baby and toddler session where he can explore and destroy all he wants and have fun doing it?

hazeyjane- speech is a bit of an issue. He has no words at all and he did used to say dad/dada but that has stopped completely. He doesn’t point. He’s go to for communication seems to be screaming. Although he is lovely and happy too! I feel like I’m being very negative but it’s just out of concern for him.

April - I do hand the baby over (then feel guilty) but she’s a very easy baby so doesn’t add to much work for me. It’s just dealing with DS that I find hard...

Knicknack- thanks I agree with what you’re saying actually. The leaders of the toddler group encourage me to go back and say it will be good for him but he’s just not interested. He loves messy play group and I take him swimming and he loves that for a short period of time.

He will NOT sit and read a book, ever. I just worry by not doing these things I’m letting him down, especially where his speech is concerned.

You're not letting him down, you sound like a lovely mum who really knows him well

If he's loving messy play and swimming - even if it's briefly at the moment - then you're getting him into social situations where he is having fun, and getting those experiences without getting frustrated or overwhelmed or bored. Language and social things need to be fun for him.

Talking with your health visitor is a great idea, so is double checking his hearing as that's so easy to miss, and there are private speech therapists out there that you can book for a one off play and chat for ideas on what games to play, what kind of groups/activities to look for, and to talk his development through with. We did this with our massively glue eared toddler and found it really helpful.

It sounds like he is too little for this at the moment. Some kids are just more energetic than others and something like tumble tots might suit him better. Maybe leave it for a bit and try again in a few months.

Not helpful, but I just stopped going. It was a lovely toddler club but it was set in several small rooms in a local church, with different zones. I spent the majority of the 90 minutes chasing him around. He has always been big and spoken well and I think people thought he was older than he actually was, plus he went through a horrible phase at around 2 where younger children who cornered him or touched him got a short but rather heavy handed thump. Never any question that the child shouldn’t touch him but he ended up being told off a lot and I ended up on edge never taking my eyes off him.

He’s three next week and we went back to toddlers at the start of term and oh boy, the difference was incredible. He was kind! He shared! He joined in! I could drink a cuppa and watch him rather than follow him round constantly.

In the interim few months we did things like- walk in the woods or park, national trust (grounds only!), ride on the train or bus somewhere. His very favourite thing is where we go to a local woods and he gets to choose- every change of direction, he gets to decide which way we go. For 45 mins he is the boss and he loves it. He calls it ‘going to the choosing forest’

You have described my son at that age. We went to a toddler class every day and he just ran wild. As he got a little older, he did calm down but he was wild.

My oldest was similar at the same age. He ran about manically the whole time while everyone else’s children sat and played. He is just a really really high energy kid. My youngest is a runner too but we have changed toddler groups now and the one we go to has a lot of little 1-3 year old boys who chase each other and scream. It isn’t peaceful but at least we are all in the same boat. Could you try a different group?

My DD was like this at that age. Could be a sign as it was with her but equally he could be super spirited. I would raise any concerns with the HV just so you are already on their radar should anything else crops up later on.

As for tips, I wouldn't stop going because it will be good for his development. There are plenty of non judgey groups out there. I think for the most part people just sympathetically think they remember that age!

Even if it does end up being something more it isn't the end of the world and you will manage. I know you said the speech is an issue; does he understand what you are saying?

It gets easier when they understand you more (and with gin in the evening )

My ds was the same, he is very energetic and never sit still. I ended up taking him to classes where he could be more active, but as he was always running away and doing his own thing it was impossible making group of mummy friends and yes I was always embarrassed by his behaviour. Only now that he is 4 he is starting to sit still, loves reading but anything over 30min such as sitting in a restaurant and he will starts to agitate.

Kitandpup in my experience it’s people with younger dc who never imagine theirs will ever get to this stage! Anyone with older ones is often more sympathetic.

That'a true actually thenewaveragebear

My DD is...erm...spirited and I try to tell myself that no one is judging or I'd never go out!

He’s 18 months! Give him a chance!

Banging his head on the floor(!) and trying to escape show you he doesn’t want to be there. He sounds like he’d be better off outside where he can run, I really don’t think that’s particularly unusual for an 18 month old. I would really just stop going, your DD is 4 months so won’t miss out, there are plenty of places she can watch the world go by.

My son was like this. I stopped going to the group for about 6 months. I decided that he clearly wasn’t ready for the sit down activities, and was spoiling it for others. And me getting stressed meant that he wasn’t really enjoying it either so it seemed silly to force it. After a few months I could see a massive difference and we both enjoyed going much more.

Your son sounds exactly like mine now, just wondering how hes doing now?

@worriedmum88 ah I have forgotten all about this post - this was such a difficult time! My DS is brilliant - he’s doing well at school, he’s found a good group of friends and he is chatty and healthy with a good sense of humour. He’s currently playing out on the front and waiting for the ice cream van. He is autistic (he received his diagnosis last month after many years on the waiting list). Honestly, we did have several very challenging years. I think things got easier when he was around 5. He thrives on routine and predictability - lots of explanation and social stories before we go to new places. Looking back, he would have been completely overstimulated at groups like this. Look after yourself as I remember feeling very overwhelmed.