How do I stop my 13 and 5 year old daughters fighting?

[Jimmyjakes]

My 2 daughters, who are 5 and 13, are constantly at each others' throats. Not so much physically, but constantly quarrelling. They literally can't be in the same room together without getting into a shouting match within 2 minutes. The subjects of the quarrels are ridiculous - eg the younger one will make a face, and the older one will kick off, or they will brush past each other on purpose, and say horrible things to each other. The older one has always felt jealous of the younger one, which my wife and I have done our best to address, but she still feels that we treat her unfairly (no matter how much we try and do to address the situation equally). We have tried early beds, no TV, and grounding etc, but nothing seems to work. It has gone on for a few years, but has now got to a point where we have to give them meals separately, and have recently decided against going on holiday, because the thought of being in a car or a plane with them both, is just too much! Any advice much appreciated!

I think the title needs to be "How can I help my 13 year old to act in a more mature fashion"

At 13 she really shouldn't be at a 5 year old's throat or getting wound up by her!

Perhaps the 13 year old is resentful of her younger sister because she feels that they're treated in too similar a manner?

For example...an early bedtime for a 13 year old doesn't seem like an appropriate punishment.

I have a daughter who just turned 14 and I haven't managed her bedtimes since she was about 11. She gets ready for bed herself at a time of her choosing...which is always about 9.15pm...then after a shower she goes to bed and puts her light off by about 10 or 10.30.

A 13 year old should have a distinct amount of responsibility....and that helps them to feel more in control which in turn helps them act in a reasonable manner.

Do you perhaps not allow your older DD enough freedom?

That's a massive gap for those type of interactions. We're talking reception aged child v someone in Year 9 right? I think your older daughter needs some help in how to manage this relationship as that's not entirely normal. Are there other siblings?

It's finding a way of stopping the older one reacting which is the hard thing! I think you're right - helping the older one deal with it all in a more mature fashion is the way to go. To confirm - it's the younger one who might get an early bed time. With the older one, we take her phone away and that kind of thing if it gets really bad.
Thanks for your comments

Is your older DD happy at school? No problems with her friends or work?

She’s happy at school and home and has a super-nice bunch of friends. She also works at the local stables on a Sunday, and does chores at home for a weekly allowance. So she has quite a bit of responsibility, and is relatively grown up in everything apart from her relationship with her sister. Not quite sure how we can help her to see this, and deal with the situation with her sister in a more mature way. We do try to talk to her about this, but nothing so far has worked

Take them on holiday - they can do all sorts to build bridges!!

Helping round the pool, apeman type activities, so she's the fun big sister rather than an additional helper

"Take them on a holiday" Firstly, not everyone can afford that and secondly I'd have said the opposite! Most people on MN post about how tensions run higher on holiday!

OP have you spoken to her alone about it all? Seriously I mean? It's not on is it...5 is so small.