What does your partner do to help with baby?

[Spanglyprincess1]

I'm starting to feel it would be easier alone tbh.
Partner self employed so works a lot. I'm on mat leave.
Today for example I was up at one am, three am and seven am with baby. He didn't get up either ttime. Three DSC are also here.
He woke up at seven and went back to bed as tierd. Got up just after eight am, after I've done the kids breakfast. Took the three kickboxing from nine am until 13:00, met at 13.00 with them and mil for lunch. He went back to mil with DSC and now home at half five. He's now said he's starting work on the laptop. He won't finish until around nine pm when kids go to bed. He will cook but only for them or him not me as I'm veggie and he can't do that apparently. But I cook for him.
I've been with ds entire time and last weekend he was away working from Thursday until Monday and will be again next weekend too. He will have the DSC or be working every day and night between now and next weekend.
I know I'm on mat leave but I need some time without baby. Even just to go for a run/walk or have a coffee or a nap.
I know I wouldn't have that if he wasn't here anyway but at least I wouldn't have his mess to tidy up and the snake to look after/feed and the DSC too
I'm prob just a bit fed up. Is this normal?

It sounds like he should definitely be chipping in more!

When my DD was first born, my DH was similar. I didn't get the impression that he didn't want to look after her, only that he was either unsure as to what to do or felt that baby only wanted me. Either way, I made more of an effort to ask him to do stuff, and I made sure to get an hour off in the evening for a shower, do my hair etc. This seemed to help boost his confidence in his ability to care for her without me and he now does bath time every night.

Have you tried talking to your partner about how you feel?

He says he's busy with work. I've mentioned feeling overwhelmed and I have signs of pnd. So I'm awaiting some help with that.
I've stepped back from the DSC care eg cooking all meals etc but it just means they are eating really late/stuffs not washed or ready.
He helps but for a few days then goes back to old ways. Eg it's been three weeks since snake was fed/cleaned out and I've reminded him five times. I'm not doing it this time. Same for other jobs....

I pointed out I was very tierd and he just said me too. Unhelpful really :(

He sounds like a twat tbh... Can you ask MIL to help so you can take a break? x

No not mil as for various reasons she isn't physically able to look after a baby or reliable. My mom has had him.for an hour here or there when I got hair cut for example.
Dp has three children already and was a sahd when they were little so he should be aware of how hard it is. He does admit he's struggled a lot with this baby as he's older (he's only 37 ffs).
I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not as I know I'm on mat leave.

Dp changes nappies regularly and when asked to do so and has bathed baby once since he was born, after he was asked. So he does do things and around the house he will tidy eg washing up or general tidying buy never cleans. Eg hoover, bleach etc.

You can't let your snake suffer because of your arguments? If he really won't do it are you going to let the poor creature live in its own filth and starve?!
Maybe you should think about rehoming your pet and not getting another.

(Ignore 1st question mark, struggling to type while holding wriggly baby)

I said that and found it a new home - I'm scared of snakes and veggie , so strongly object to it tbh. He says no.its his pet and he wants it and will.do.better. but here we are again.
I will prob end up doing it as i feel sorry for the poor thing.

I made it very clear when we moved in it's not mine and I don't like/want it. He said he wouldn't ask me to look after it.
I've vetoed other pets on the basis it will be left to me to do

DH doesn’t do anything to ‘help’, when he’s here he does 50% of all parenting. It’s not helping, they’re his children.

I think it sounds like you need to talk to him honestly about how you are feeling.
Yes you are on mat leave, but does that mean you have to do everything 24/7?
Can you come to an agreement that the time when you are both free to be with the kids, you divide that up between you?
It doesn't seem fair that he gets free time after work but you get none at all.
I know a couple that divvy up their evenings. The mother has them on a tues and Thurs, so The dad has those nights to do what he wants, and he takes the other 2 days.

I think you need to be honest with him, you definitely need some time to yourself.
Mat leave only gives you extra time in working hours - the times outside of that you should share.

Also I find the fact he won't cook for you as you're veggie is really shit!
How hard is it really, to have basic consideration for the person you love by making a meal you can all enjoy rather than leaving you out!
That's shocked me a little. It's such a little thing but adds so much more pressure onto you then!
You really do need to talk to him! Let us know what you decide to do xxx

We have a 2 week old DS. So far today my DH has:
Had the baby between 9pm and 4am so that I can sleep
Walked the dog
Cleaned out the cat litter tray
Changed half the nappies
Washed up after lunch
Been to the shops
Cooked dinner
Made many cups of tea
Listened to me whinge about how miserable I’m finding breastfeeding

Think it’s safe to safe to say that your DP needs to step up. You’re doing it all alone at the moment and that’s not fair. You need to have a strong word with him.

I don't think you should see it as 'helping' with the baby. Baby isn't your responsibility, it's a totally shared thing.

Yes when you're on maternity leave then your partner can't help when they're at work but as soon as they are home, it should be 50/50 all the way. Nappy changes, cooking, cleaning, feeding (unless you're BF), settling- all equally shared.

If he doesn't understand that concept, which is a very simple one to get, he's a waste of space.

There is no evenings..he sleeps late as tierd, getting up around nine or ten unless he has school run and won't stop work till nine pm. By which point baby is at screaming stage of evening and for sdown around halften or eleven pm.
I asked him to start work at seven ie earlier so we have evenings, it lasted one day.
He does do food shop as we rotate weeks for that.
So for me average day, is wake three times between eleven pm and seven am to feed n settle baby. Breakfast then some form of cleaning, then baby group then make lunch for me n dp. Then watch baby. Make tea try n eat tea with screaming baby. Make dp dinner. Try n watch TV or read then bed.
Then repeat.

LTB! He sounds awful. You deserve so much better. In comparison, my DH cooks whenever he gets chance, today has taken DS out from about 10am until 5pm to give me a chance to catch up on sleep as we have newborn. On a normal weekend he will help me clean as well, and when he gets home of an evening the first thing he does is always run the hoover around just to help me out. He does a decent bulk of the night feeds/going to see DS when he wakes up in the night too.

If you can do it better by yourself: do it. Find yourself a life that's better than being married to a lazy arsehole who can't even be bothered to cook something for you. It will come, even if it takes a little time

The most worrying thing for me is he genuinely thinks he's doing his best. And gets upset when I mention that I'm struggling and can't cope with how much he is away/works in evenings/weekends when he dosnt have to. He gets upset and insulted that his best isn't good enough, but tbh it really isn't.
I don't know what's for best tbh, I'm fortunate that I'm very financially solvent not wealthy just solvent enough to cope alone if required.
I'm mostly sad. I love my son very very much but I didn't expect the situation to be like this.
What I'd like is an evening where he finishes by seven pm latest. We do tea on a rotating system. I have an hour to myself then he has an hour to himself. So by half nine we sit down as a family and cuddle baby get him settled/watch TV. Or even one night on and one night off.

I don't mind doing the nights if I could ahve the evening with my partner as a team.

@spanglyprincess1 that sounds like you have a plan of what you would like to do, and it sounds reasonable.
Tell him exactly that. You just want to feel like a team! A family!
Tell him what's at stake if he continues as he is, and just be honest.
Sometimes they need a reality check - listen to me, change things, or I'll have to leave for my own sanity.

Fifty percent success!
He had baby on living room overnight with baby in cot and I slept for six hours! I feel like a human again and its amazing. He also had baby for thirty minutes in the mid morning while I went for a run.
Downside, he went back to bed until around half nine am (baby slept through overnight for first time so he should have had same sleep as me but on sofa). He is in a bad mood as tierd. He then proceeded to do work all morning apart from run. I did DSC breakfasts.
He forgot to do their lunch and is now doing it at quarter past three. I did offer to do it but he said he was doing it.
I washed the uniforms but he hung them out.
He is going to be working till late as tierd but at least I got some sleep and stuff done around the house.
Generally very successful apart from his foul mood all day but hey-ho!

Should he be sleeping with the baby on the sofa? Big increase in SIDS risk?

Read message :: with baby in cot. He was on sofa

Ah, sorry!

No problem :)