Parents of boys who are small in size

[busheymacaroon]

My 4 year old son has just started reception. He has always been small in size (6 pounds 2 ounces at birth and is and always has been between o.4 and 2nd centile). He is about the same size as a 3 year old. We have worried about it over the years mainly because other parents have consistently commented on his size: “isn’t he small” ; “he’s SO small” “he’s so tiny” etc. and we have had tests done via a paediatrician and he sees a dietician regularly to make sure he’s growing. He is growing and the tests have shown there is nothing wrong with him. He’s just a genetically small child. The comments continue to come about his size though even as he gets older and he can now hear and understand the comments. Someone said he was tiny the other day and he said afterwards “ I’m not tiny daddy”. Anyway, it does bother us when people comment and I wanted some strategies in terms of what to say to people when they do comment without being defensive. Latest example is a mum at the school gate said “oh does he go to reception as well “ [looking my son up and down in a surprised manner] despite my son standing there at the gate in school uniform. Anyone experienced this and found a successful way of dealing with it?

I have the opposite with my youngest son being very tall. He always ha been off the centile chart for height since being 6 weeks old. People always expect more of him as they think he's older and when he was a toddler I used get asked 'what's wrong with him?' As they expected him to be talking and more independent. I always got nasty comments about him 'still' being in a buggy when he was 18 months. Tbh, I just let it go over my head as people always find something to comment on. Just nod and smile and get on with your day!

My dd1 is tiny - consistently smallest in her year. We have found some hobbies where being small is an advantage, and I say that good things come in small packages! Atm the issue is school netball - it’s really no fun for her at all, people just throw the ball way above her arms reach.

We are not tall, and both children are smaller than their friends. From my dd experience it is important to find something they excel (or reasonably good at). In some sports being small is that important., and does not matter in music or art.
My ds is the similar- the youngest and the smallest in his reception class, still in clothes for 3 year olds. Finding suitable trousers is hard (m&s size 3 with adjustable waist are too big). Other than that, he is getting on with it fine. At my dd's class the girl who is shorter than everyone is the best mathematician and is very popular. So I just ignore the comments about my son, such as "oh, has he started school already?"

I get it in my family where some family members who are around his age are huge for their age so he looks small although he's average height. It does hurt and because he hasn't yet started school we frequently have to hear it when he interacts with the only kids he knows. Sometimes I just want to shout STFU! I think I actually will one day, can we focus on something else please family?!

Honestly, if this was school and my child has said things to make me concerned, I'd say 'he actually doesn't like constantly being told he's small'. Most mother's would understand and not take it personally, I would hope.

My friend is an infant school teacher who told me that whenever a child expresses something related to their self-esteem, they really make sure to listen and act accordingly. So, one boy in her class who was constantly being praised for beautiful long hair expressed (lamented) that he felt it made it look like a girl, so teachers made a note of it and do not mention it (even though it was actually quite difficult!) They even go as far as informing new teachers during class handovers.

I don't know what to advise, but I can empathise OP

I have a very petite dd...just started year1. We had the same comments when she started reception and after a while, once everyone gets used to each other, they stop. She is still the smallest in the school despite the new reception children starting but more than makes up for it with sass and no one really notices now. She has just started trampolining and gymnastics and loves it...size definately doesn't matter here. I am small too and if people comment on her size I just laugh and say 'well look at me, I was never going to breed massive kids was I?' My baby ds is even smaller than dd was...it will be interesting to see if we get different comments with him being a boy?!

I'd definitely mention it to teachers so they are sensitive of this and ensure his size isn't always brought up.

My DS is only a few months old and gets it already. It actually really bothers me. I think he's still at a very formative age so there's still room to encourage more growth. Have you tried getting him into a few sports which encourage growth like swimming? Anything which has him regularly stretching out really. There's plenty of tips online in how to help kids grow.
I think it's also important to focus on your DS' mentality and not just preventing the comments. Let him know that people come in all sizes and it's no different than people having a different hair/eye/skin colour.
Unfortunately, makes are judged on height so much more than females as they get older and, at age 4, height is such a big deal no matter the sex. Maybe try pointing out things to him that smaller people can do that taller people can't?

My 5yr old ds told dh he hated the big kids saying “ooh he’s so tiny”.
Dh told him not to let them see it bother him and also that “mummy’s tiny too and we still love her don’t we”
So far it’s been ok. The other kids weren’t trying to be mean, he genuinely is very cute in his uniform.
I am very aware of making sure his clothes and bag etc are not “babyish” though and it does help he’s very articulate with a good vocabulary.

My nephew is 11 and very small for his age. He was born at 26 weeks and was 1lb 5oz, has an August birthday plus his parents are both short. He absolutely hates it and used to get extremely upset at the constant comments of 'aw, he's so tiny!' and the whole class referring to him as 'Little Bob' (not his real name!). He ended up acting out a lot trying to prove he was 'grown up' and not babyish.

My brother had to be very firm with school that he was finding it a big problem, and that they were to discourage 'Little Bob' and help build hi confidence. He took up trampolining, karate and gymnastics, and the confidence he gained from being good at these really, really helped. He's just started secondary and had a big wobble beforehand as he was wary of all the 'oo isn;t he tiny' comments starting all over again - they made sure school was aware in advance and they have been brilliant with him so far.

Lots of times kids in nursery come to school yard in proper school uniform (I guess they like wearing uniform). I once commented to DD on how cute it was that a nursery kid was in uniform ... tiny lad turned out to be starting reception . Tiny lad was smaller than then not-yet-3yo DD (who was titchy for age, shorter than an avg 2yo girl).

The tiny lad proved to be very popular with peers. He had a big personality to compensate. He didn't have dwarfism & his parents were ordinary height. He'll be 19 now ... & I think I just found him as a friend of DD on FBk. Maybe he's forgiven her mother after all.

My twins were premature and both weighed 3lbs each at birth and they are 8 now and both still some of the smallest children in their year. But they certainly make up for in how confident they are. It does get annoying when people think they are younger than they. But I'm the bright side their clothes last longer.

Thanks for all the helpful comments. It seems the comments about LoS size bother some but not others. It definitely does bother me when people comment on DS1 size I have to be honest about that. It upsets me that it's all people find to comment on and that the comments never end (I thought they would stop as he got older). So I find the smile and nod strategy challenging because when I do say nothing I come away feeling resentful and wishing I'd come up with an appropriate response. My perception is it seems to be more of a problem for boys to be small rather than girls so it's interesting that mothers of daughters seem to experience the same thing.
What sports is it an advantage in to be small? LO does rugby , football and swimming but I can't see that it's a particular advantage being small in any. What sort of things do small children excel at?
I had no idea swimming stretching etc helped with growth. I'll read up on that - thanks. I'll def try the "he doesn't like being told he's small" tack and will involve the school if needs be.
It just gets me down at times as he's a perfectly normal happy child but people just seem to look down on him cos he's small. Life I think can be more difficult for smaller men but I need to keep it in perspective. I just wish other parents would stop feeling the need to comment on the size of my child!!

Ps I will definitely look into trampolining and gymnastics and think the point about building confidence is really helpful

My DS was in 18 month jogging bottoms for school as they didn't make trousers big enough

It's a fact - he was small for his age and was the smallest in the year for a long time

Now year 10 and he's shot up

He's not bothered by his height at all and is well liked.

It's about confidence happiness and friendships a passing comment on his height isn't 'looking down' on him - it's just an observation

DD has just started reception in age 2-3 uniform. DS is in year 2 and is one of the smallest in his class, but not as noticeably so as DD is. She also gets the comments about being small a lot, it was said in front of the teacher last week who replied "she definitely makes up for it in personality", which is very true!

DD came home the other day a bit upset that someone in the playground called her a midget. I just told her everyone is different and she's lovely just how she is.

She's due to start gymnastics soon and I hope her size will be to her advantage there.

You can’t control what people say but you can control how your son handles listening to these comments. My ds is also small, his 3 year old brother is not too much shorter than him. I tell my ds how fab he is at everything he tries . If he doesn’t win a race I always say ‘but did you enjoy yourself?’ And if he says yes then I say that’s all that matters.
He is a great swimmer - fast and strong so I focus on that with him. He’s only 6 and he’s had tests too - but is just a slow grower.
I’m just doing my best to build his self esteem and be confident in himself and his abilities. There is more to life than being tall :)

OP to be honest I think you’re a bit sensitive about this. I don’t see any evidence of “looking down” on my ds or yours in what you’ve written. It’s just people being surprised, like when they say “wow you’re tall” to anyone noticeably taller than average (as if they’d not noticed).

I’m not saying it’s not rude to comment. It is. But don’t read more into it than that, I cannot see how they’d be looking down on him.

In some ways it’s harder to be a very tall young child as people expect far more mature behaviour and can judge a tall 5yr old by 7yr old standards.

DS1 isn't tiny. But he is on the lower side of average, and one of the youngest in the year (I've just let the waist out on his age 5-6 shorts, as he enters y5 as a 9 year old).
Strangely enough, when people see him without his peer group, they comment how tall he is (super skinny). Be his mates are mainly a head taller than him.

DS (10yo), we just retired some of his clothing (tags say age 5-6).
He's not even the smallest in the year group, not even close.

Judo is a sport where they compete by weight, so when OP's son is older (age 9+), being small means more muscle mass & cognitive maturity relative to size than competitors, ie, small can be an advantage.

Both my boys are petite (also between 2nd-8th centile), and tbh I don't find it a negative. They're also both quite young for their ages (4 & 7), so it doesn't do any harm being perceived as younger.
As a PP said, very tall children have a harder time of it when they're young as people expect them to act far more maturely than they're able. My DNs struggled with this, being head and shoulders taller than their classmates.

People tend to comment on any strong physical difference, be it tall, short, red hair, prettiness. A mixed race girl at the DSs school always gets comments on her (stunning) hair.
The important thing is whether these are kindly meant or not. If any criticism is overt or implied you pull them up on it immediately. If not, you teach your DS that people make small talk and when they don't know each other well it's often silly things like appearance, and it isn't meant to upset him.

I cringe when I remember saying "Gosh she's so tiny!!" to a mum I'd just met, but her DD was remarkably small for her age and I just didn't engage my brain fast enough. It was just an observation, and I just had to hope she realised I didn't mean to be rude! I was also holding my preemie DS at the time, so fingers crossed...

My DS is also small, he's been around the 2nd centile from birth onward. He's 10 now, and I am not entirely sure where he gets his confidence from, but he certainly doesn't give a damn about his size. He is healthy, fit, intelligent, and an all round lovely person, and that all matters far more than how tall he is. The advantages of being small as he sees it, are that people underestimate you, which he finds an advantage in lots of situations, and when playing football, he can be quick and nippy, and often run rings round some of the bigger players. There is no point in trying to pretend your DS isn't small, but it really doesn't need to be a negative thing.

Thanks for all the tips and advice xx

My DS is in year 3, on 2nd centile for height and weight. My OH is only 5ft6 which makes it easier as he sees his dad is short and it doesn't bother his dad. He went through a stage at the beginning of year 2 when he kept asking if he would ever be bigger like the other boys in his class, we were just honest with him and said probably not as your dad is small, but you are perfect just the way you are. It doesn't seem to bother him now at all, and he is very popular and happy in school. We also had tests done a few years ago to make sure there was nothing stopping him growing but he is fine, just short!

We may have an issue as his younger brother grows up as his brother is tracking taller than him, and mum dad is just over 6ft so I think his brother will end up being taller than him but we will deal with that when/if it happens.

We just make sure to always tell my son he is perfect they way he is, and everyone is different. I've not had many parents comment on how short he is to me, but it doesn't bother me when they do as he is short!

It is reassuring to hear from others with short boys anyway, as my son is in a small 1 form entry school, and is definitely one of the shortest!

I hadn't heard anything about certain sports encouraging growth, I though it was all genetics but tbh unless my son really wanted to do a particular sport i wouldn't make him, I think he is just the way he is. He is very active anyway but not sporty at all, just likes running around with his brother!

Try not to worry about it too much, I am sure your son is perfect the way he is.

My DS is tiny. He’s a teenager but is only the size of a 10 year old. He’s also very skinny. But that doesn’t stop him being on the basketball team at his very sporty school .

Yes always had this with my DS! Weighed 8lb 9 at birth and was on track for good weight gain but it just stalled. Was around the 2nd centile until he hit 13. He was always in clothes sizes around 3 years younger than his age and was consistently no more than an inch taller than his 4.5 years younger sister.
He was picked on at school and nicknamed mini-man, usually in good humour but not always. He ended up developing a bit of a class clown personality and uses humour to deflect negative comments.
The comments used to drive me insane, I once saw a colleague in the supermarket when DS was about 9, she immediately exclaimed "oh look how small he is!!". DS was upset. I just looked her up and down and walked off.
My family on my mums side are all very short, around 5ft so they have always told him "the best things come in small packages", "they don't build diamonds as big as bricks" etc etc.
We've seen doctors and paediatricians but as you say absolutely nothing wrong with him, just a slow grower!
He is now 14, as tall as me, sarcastic as hell from the years of defending himself with humour, costing me a fortune in trousers as he keeps flipping shooting up, needs new shoes and trainers every few months for his giant clown feet and has to buy a small men's size in t-shirts so be careful what you wish for