Worried that my own lack of social skills will impact child

[SpikyCactus]

I have zero social skills, no friends, I’m constantly exhausted and I’m worried that my DS will be impacted by my lack of desire to join baby groups or hang around with other mums, or even go out of the house.

My DS is 8 months old. I’m a SAHM because my min wage salary would barely cover childcare. DP insists I should be taking DS to baby groups. I tried but I felt awkward and uncomfortable. The other mums ignored me and talked to each other, and I didn’t know what to say or how to get them to talk to me. I hovered in the corner with my coffee, drank it and left without speaking to anyone. I felt so guilty like I’d let DS down, because he was looking around the room and watching the other kids but I wasn’t able to integrate. I tried a second time but the same thing happened. I only lasted ten minutes because a child climbed over me and the invasion of personal space freaked me out.

I don’t have the energy to go to groups anyway. DS wakes frequently and I’m constantly tired, so we sleep in late and I have to nap with him in the afternoon or I’ll literally fall over. I barely have the energy to push him round the village in his buggy for fresh air. I don’t like to go for walks anyway - I’m fearful and always looking over my shoulder.

I’m worried that being in the house with me all the time will harm his development. And I’m worried that later on he won’t have play dates because mums usually arrange them with mum friends.

In the same boat too! I am a sahm with 2dc. Parenting groups are not for me. I only really go out to shops if something is needed, sometimes taking a detour to the park or beach (which is local) then my DC can communicate with others!

Extra info so as not to drip feed:

I’m an only child and I was unpopular and on my own a lot. Never got taken to playgroups or hobbies etc because we could barely even afford food never mind anything else. I don’t doubt that I failed to develop social skills. As a teenager I was increasingly ostracised and bullied. I remember crying because I was lonely and wishing I had a friend. In addition to being alone I also learned to be fearful of others because they were unpredictable and there was no telling when they might attack me without provocation, throw something at me or slap me across the face to make their friends laugh, etc.

Adult relationships have been a minefield because I was desperate for attention so I let people use me and mistreat me just so they’d be my “friend” or “boyfriend” and spend time with me. I’m still nervous of others and wary of them bullying or physically attacking me. I don’t like going out of the house if it isn’t necessary. I’m constantly looking over my shoulder.

I have no friends. I’ve tried joining hobbies but I’m never accepted into anyone’s friendship group. They’re nice to me as an acquaintance who’s also a fee paying member of the hobby, but I’m not a friend outside of that. I’ve had similar problems with jobs - employers find me nervous and awkward, they tell me I won’t fit into their team and I’m not right for customer facing work. Call centre work is all I’ve ever been able to get.

My DP is nice. He’s shy and was also bullied. He also doesn’t really have any friends but he’s a talented musician so he mixes with people that way. He doesn’t have friends to go out with but he has rehearsals and people he regularly plays with, and work colleagues who occasionally go out together. His life is far better than mine in the sense that he isn’t totally isolated.

I don’t want my DS to have an unhappy isolated life like mine. But I don’t know how to make mum friends to get him play dates. I feel nervous and uncomfortable in groups. I don’t know what to say. I’m worried that my failure will result in him not developing and having no friends. I feel guilty for making excuses not to take him out in his buggy because I don’t like going out. He is literally confined to the house with me. DP works and doesn’t have time to take DS out to compensate for me being rubbish.

There are a few apps you can download Mush being one where you can try to meet up with people in your area who have similar aged children and its usually similar people who in real life find it hard to reach out. Doesnt always turn into freindships but it can and sometimes can mean you go to babygroup together in the area so neither has to face it alone.

I found it much easier to go along to structured activity groups like swimming and music. There was less requirement for smalltalk but still social.

I'm pretty unfriendly, hardly ever talk to mums at school or playgroups. Two of my children are quite similar. The third is different. I figured that they will learn things from me and copy me but ultimately they are who they are and if they don't do others things I do why would this one thing be entirely down to me? Don't let anyone tell you it's your fault if your ds does turn out to be reserved. There are hundreds, thousands of things that shape our personalities and your parents are only one part of it. I have a friend who had hermit parents who wouldn't send him to school. He didn't play with other kids til early teens. He is a very funny, sociable and likeable person. You'd never know. My mum is friendly, social and always had people round but it made no difference to how i am!

I found it much easier to go along to structured activity groups like swimming and music. There was less requirement for smalltalk but still social.

It sounds like there are a few things for you to unpick. Firstly, perhaps have a look at DS's sleep so you're not up so much at night and sleeping in late. Ive been using the little ones sleep programme that you can buy online (about £30) with my 5 week old. Its hard but is helping with a routine for the day with the aim of that rubbing off on night sleep.

You do need to get out the house. I don't manage every day but i insist on no more than 2 days inside because its not healthy for me or my baby. I haven't made any mum friends yet but we walk to the shops just to get out. Could you just get out for walks without pressuring yourself so much to socialise?

I can see the benefit of mum friends (I'm desperately hoping i make some when LO is bigger) but I too find some of those social situations a bit daunting. Maybe try more open spaces like going to a park? You mentioned that you freaked out when another kid climbed on you but i think if you want DS to make friends that will happen. Could you talk to your GP about whether you may have something undiagnosed you could get support with?n

My mum and my gran were the same as me. No friends, awkward, made people feel uncomfortable and got bullied for it. Nervous about going out because of being afraid of what people might do. I wonder if each generation is teaching it to the next? I don’t want this for my DS, it’s awful and I’ve been so unhappy my entire life.

Same here. My ds is year 6 though. I want him to have all the friends I didn’t but I’m hopeless at dealing with other mums.
However, I can do things like make sure he can ride a bike and swim so he can join in with the other kids and is happy to go to swimming-based birthday parties.
I’ll never be any good at the social stuff but I can make sure he has the right skills to fit in.

Op, you can only do your best, think logically about doing the things your dcs want most. I go along but always take a crossword. I can retreat into it, or if someone wants to chat, I get them to fill in the clues I don’t know.

Good luck.

Structured groups like swimming and also started taking DS to soft play when he was cruising as many have special baby areas. you do have to go in with them when they are small but only a handful of times have I actually had to converse with other mums as they are usually too busy making sure their own baby/toddler is behaving!

Also the park as a PP suggested

Yes, structured groups are the way to go, means you don't have to make small talk etc. Things like baby signing, Jo Jingles etc.

When older, soft play is good - my son goes off and makes friends to play with whilst I'm having a coffee and reading my book, no need for me to be social.

But it sounds like it's impacting on your own quality of life, have you tried counseling or CBT?