Does it get easier?

[user1493075386]

I am hoping someone can help me or shine some light that things might get easier in time so I can hang in there. Apologies in advance for the long ramble but I am in a bad place and I don't know who to talk to in real life. I have a five month old son who was very much wanted and is dearly loved, but I am often finding myself struggling. It has gotten much better since the newborn stage, but even though he is smiling now and more alert, I still struggle to know how to entertain him all day. He is sometimes content under the playmat for a while but quickly becomes agitated if I put him in the bouncer or the carrier, so I can't even take him around the house to do things while he watches me, even if I interact with him the whole time by talking/singing etc. I find it hard to get out with him as I can't predict his awake times or nap times because they vary every day, and when he is awake he feeds each time and takes a long time to feed so I feel by the time we got anywhere and I fed him, I'd have to be thinking about getting him home to put him down for his next nap (he will only sleep in the pram if it is moving). He will only catnap for 40 minutes about three times during the day so I don't get much of a break. His night sleep is all over the place - sometimes we have a great night and will only get up twice, other times he will wake up frequently in the second half of the night and needs help getting back to sleep - sometimes every half an hour. This means I am often hardly getting any proper sleep which doesn't help me get through the day as i can't catch up on sleep due to the fact that he only cat naps. My husband sleeps in the spare room every night (has done since we brought him home) and will not help with the night time wakings. He also isn't confident looking after him (doesn't change nappies. put him down for naps etc) so I haven't had a break except for doing a mad dash to get the groceries during one of his nap times once or twice a week. I'm not expecting to have long breaks from him or anything but I would dearly love just a couple of hours of 'off time' once a month to get a hair cut or just go for a walk or something. I am wondering if this will change in time and if anyone else has been there, how long it was before it got better? I love my son with all of my heart and he was dearly longed for, so I am really upset that I am often feeling so miserable. Some days I don't want to wake up. Has anyone else been there and will I ever feel happy again?

It will get better. But really your DH needs to step up. There is no excuse for not giving you a break, changing his nappies or looking after him. Why does he not parent his own son? It would be MUCH easier for you if he did. You could cope with a bad night even.

It will get better. My son is nine months now and I've found ever since he's been crawling it's just got so much easier. Looking back it was definitely months four and five I found hardest, I think partly because I expected the first three months to be tough and expected things to get easier. Your husband needs to step up though, you need a break and he needs to be a parent. Could you just leave him to it for a few hours? He'll soon learn how to change a nappy or keep the baby entertained!

It will get better.

Is he sitting up yet? I found things so much easier once dd could sit up and I could surround her with cushions and toys to look at.

The naps will settle down eventually.

You really have done the hard bit now in my opinion. I found 6-12m a lovely age, though still hard work it was much more enjoyable.

Thank you so much for your replies, it has cheered me up just to hear from you. I was like idontknow54789 in that I expected the first few months to be tough, but I have read that months four to six are considered to be the "golden age of parenting" so have felt quite down that we aren't getting out and about like I thought we would be now and that he still seems quite restless and grumpy at times. He is not one of those babies that sits contentedly in a pram gazing out at the world like i see other people's babies doing. I don't know if this is an age or a temperament thing and if it is the latter, if that is likely to change in time too?

He is not rolling, sitting or crawling yet (he has good neck strength and is trying to crawl during tummy time). Perhaps when he can do these things he will be happier and it will be easier to entertain him.

I think I have been struggling a lot too because it seems like everyone seems to ooh and aah over babies like it's the best stage of parenthood and it makes me think that there is something wrong with me - like I'm missing a maternal gene. Although I think they're incredibly cute, I have never really been a natural with babies, I am much more comfortable with kids.

I had a similar experience, my DC screamed for pretty much their first 9 months and I was miserable. Even though nights were awful I dreaded the morning as it meant another full day ahead.

But that was with a brilliant husband who did well more than his fair share of childcare at the evenings/weekends just to give me a bit more of a mental break.

I promise it will get better, even though it doesn't feel like it now. BUT your husband needs to sort himself out immediately. When you are both at home, parenting is shared. If he's not comfortable changing nappies etc he needs to do even more so that he learns. He has to take some of the burden in the night too. Can he have the baby from say 8pm-midnight and you try to get a few solid hours sleep, then he can have the rest of the night?

You're doing great and it WILL get better.

Also from my friends who had children a similar time to me, the ones who said 'the baby age is my favourite' generally had easy babies.
Whenever anyone commented 'its harder now they're crawling! I'm dreading the toddler stage!' I was baffled as to me every stage meant less crying and less agitation which made it so much easier. Do not feel guilty for not enjoying the newborn stage!!

It gets so much better! I hated the baby stage and in my opinion months 4-6 were awful, the four month sleep regression destroyed me and DS was so unhappy. Once he was mobile it was a whole different story and he became happy and slept better and I started to enjoy time with him. He is now 2.5 and it turns out that I love toddlers. So cute, loving and funny.

OP your DH really needs to step up. It sounds like you are 100% parent and he has just decided to go AWOL as he struggles and has a learning curve, haven't we all!! I didn't have a clue about babies until I had one myself. Don't get into a toxic pattern where he is "doing you a favour" if you get a couple of hours off a month! This is insane, you are not a babysitter. Please stand up for yourself and make sure you have regular time to yourself, say Saturday afternoon at least. This is how very strongly gendered marriages/families happen where the man leaves all work associated with the kids entirely to the wife. You clearly are not happy about it please make some changes.

I don’t mean this to be disheartening, but 40 minute naps are good for some babies! Mine was a 20-40 minute napper at that age, also 3 times a day. People kept saying his naps would improve but they never did. I wish somebody had said that it can be totally normal.

My now 15 month old was very similar and I also found that one of the worst stages. He would get bored/unhappy after 5 minutes so I’d cycle him between bouncer, playmat, activity table etc.

The best thing was getting out though. Don’t worry about the naps, just go! I had baby activities in the morning on a Monday, Wednesday and Friday so we were definitely out every other day. Walk if you can as less hassle when they do sleep.

Things vastly improved for us when he could sit up, and his sleep improved when he could crawl.

My partner was also pretty useless but we got there!

I really didn't enjoy the baby stage at all. I found it very tedious and lonely. I think I noticed a difference from around 6-8 months. DC1 in particular was a crotchety baby and never seemed content like all the other babies her age at baby groups. Things did improve in that regard when she weaned at 6 months. Try to get out to toddler groups in the morning and then park/shops/a walk in the afternoon to break up the day.

Your DH is being useless frankly. He should be helping with nights (if baby bottle feeds then doing them completely!) at least on Fridays and Saturdays and I would just tell him you're going out for a coffee/swim/whatever once a week for an hour and just let him get on with it. Otherwise he'll be pleading ignorance on all things child-related for ever!

In short, yes things with your baby will get easier with time. Things with your DP won't unless you start putting your foot down about how much he does to help you!

I agree about your DH being useless! My DH did all the night wakings on Friday and Saturday nights (FF). He would also take DS as soon as he got in from work on weeknights and give him his evening bottle while I got an early night. At weekends we alternated changing nappies, giving bottles etc. When DS was six months old DH took him to see his family for two nights while I got to rest at home. He also took him if I wanted to meet up with friends etc. It did help of course in that regard that DS was FF but short breaks are perfectly possible if BF. Especially if you are able to express a bottle at all?

Rally your DH need to help.

As for getting better, every age has it's rubbish part but that's just parenting. My Dd is 5 and yes we don't have the sleep an feeding issues, but I hate the constant questioning of why this and why that.

You'd feel better knowing you had more support from him.

Thank you so much for all of your replies, I have found this very comforting. I wasn't sure if I was being too selfish to wish that my husband would do a bit more, but from what everyone is saying it sounds like it is not an unreasonable expectation. I am glad to hear I am not alone with finding this stage difficult and I really do hope it will pass soon, as I feel pretty down and lonely. I really appreciate people sharing their stories of it getting better as this is like a lifeline to me at the moment.