I’m in bits! DS has reverted to biting! Reception Mums please help

[31GoingOn13]

My DS (aged 4) just started reception last week. He has already bitten three kids (not hard, but enough for it to be of concern to teachers).

I’m so upset and don’t know what to do. He was so excited about starting school and only knows a couple of kids but they aren’t in his class.

He doesn’t have behavioural issues generally but has “acted out” in this way before - when settling into his nursery (he was of course much younger then and all the kids were biting - and he also got bitten - note: I wasn’t the overreacting type about it!) but at age 4 everyone makes a much bigger deal of it.

The kids he bit in the past week were all totally fine, no bite marks, no blood (I’m wondering if it even happened as teachers say they didn’t witness it but were told by the children). In any event no one was injured and when questioned he said each time that it was because that kid snatched a toy from him/his friend. Still unacceptable I know and we have explained this to him so many times.

The thing is the nursery dealt with it very well, realising he was in a new environment and had just moved house so was probably temporarily acting out until he felt comfortable there. They were understanding and patient, whilst of course speaking to him firmly every time he did something. The phase lasted all of two weeks with the occasional bite every few days and then he got over it, settled in, and now the nursery talks about how much they miss him and want him to come and visit (when I pick or drop off DD).

I’ve been an emotional wreck, first having to wave him off into school not knowing how he will cope - and then from being told he’s obviously not doing well.

AIBU to expect the school to be patient? It is his first week and he’s around total strangers. I’ve suggested they speak to the nursery and have said that I’m hopeful it’s just a phase. DH had a stern word with him today and he seemed to take it all in and felt bad for hurting another person. We made a sorry card at home today for him to give to the boy he bit. We also took away his privileges such as no visiting the playground, no lego, no treat after dinner, etc.

DS has bags of empathy, always feels it when others are upset and would usually never hurt a fly. So I’m not sure what’s going wrong - whether it’s just a phase or because of his age whether it’s a bigger issue? I guess I’d like to hear from any others who have gone through something similar?

Thanks in advance for any advice!

At nursery stage, I would agree with patience but by P1/reception, the children need to learn that there is zero tolerance for physically hurting others so wouldn't say they should be patient at all.
My daughter has ASN and her frustrations can be expressed physically - is it worth talking to the teacher and seeing if he can get a 'safe space and a card to show or password to use when he can feel the frustration building? Appreciate this might not work for every child though.
If biting is his outlet for expressing frustration, would a chewigem be an option!? My DD has a necklace and if she feels like she might bite in anger/frustration, she bites the necklace.

Good luck. Remember this too shall pass!

Ok firstly, you say you wonder if it happened, but then you said he told you he did it.

This isn’t the same as biting at nursery I’m afraid - biting when you are tiny is an impulse control thing - simply put, they don’t know better, and can’t help it. If your son is able to articulate “I did this, because....” then he’s biting deliberately and it does need a harder line.

You say you don’t think school have dealt with it as well as nursery but you don’t say how they’ve dealt with it?

Thanks for your replies - I guess I know deep down it’s not the same as nursery and he ought to know better, which is why I’m so disappointed. The cards/something chewy sound like a good idea if it persists. And come to think of it I do sometimes catch him chewing on a toy when he’s not the least bit angry so it might be a need or something.

I guess I really don’t know how the school intend to deal with it. One teacher has a very softly softly approach and the other is strict. He only acts up when the strict one is in charge. I agree there should be a zero tolerance policy but does that mean expulsion? I am so mortified about it but I genuinely think this too shall pass, like you say - and hopefully soon! But my concern is that they’ll just try to get rid of him now that he’s a difficult-to-manage child.

Btw he only tells us he did it after protesting for a while that he didn’t.... he has to be reminded of what we were told he did before he owns up (and that makes me wonder whether it actually happened that way or at all).

What else do you think I could/should be doing? Aside from taking away privileges, speaking to him sternly, etc?

If he’s telling you why he’s bitten, then I would focus on the tools to act differently in that situation the next time - if you can give him positive steps to manage his behaviour and reward those like mad, it will lessen the incentive to bite.

I went through exactly this last year with my son in Reception and all I can say is that he stopped eventually. We were furious with him, removed treats etc. With mine it was a reaction so no point asking for a time out card etc
It’s mortifying, but no one is judging you. Good luck

Thank you both. That helps! We are doing all we can to give him the tools to manage the situation better - and he really seems to get it when we talk about it and role play etc. Like he will always say, if someone snatches I’ll go and tell the teacher, and I’ll play with another toy, or I’ll tell mummy and daddy - or I’ll say NO! Don’t snatch! But in the moment it seems like it’s a different story... Also his little sister/cousins/play dates snatch all the time from him right under our noses and there has never been one biting incident (aside from the first two weeks of settling into nursery) so it’s either a case of pushing boundaries with new adults or he’s just not comfortable there yet and it’s reminding him of that last big change in environment and he’s regressing to that same toddler behaviour - I’m no psychologist though! Either way I really hope and pray it passes soon....

When you say it was a reaction and no point using the time out or cards etc I’m interested to know what you mean by that redbirdblackbird? Was it that - like my DS - yours just did it in the moment for a short time until he was settled? Were you worried about expulsion! How long did it go on and what other tools did you use apart from removing treats and telling off etc - thanks!!

I don’t know if it will help but if it’s real frustration in the moment you could teach him something that also helps discharge anger like stamping his feet. Good luck x

My son bit another child in Reception but probably later in the year (having previously bitten a child at nursery). The teacher was good about it - he was young (Just turned 4 when he started) and every week by Friday he was SO tired. The biting happened on a Friday. At first he denied it, then he said the boy had deserved it, and eventually he seemed to accept it was wrong (or at least that he shouldn’t have done it and there would be consequences).

Luckily it didn’t happen again.

I would expect understanding from the teacher. I suppose at this early stage in the term they don’t know whether this is out of character or a larger pattern. I would expect them to find a way to monitor him closely.

My son’s school had a phased start and the younger children only attended intjw afternoon at first. A total pain for childcare but helpful for situations like this.

What I mean is he did it in the heat of the moment and at his age there would have been no time for thinking oh I’ll ask for my time out card- he was just too young. We talked a lot about feelings in your tummy that let you know you are getting angry and walking away as soon as you feel them. Walking / stepping away is a quick solution rather than asking for a card but it still takes training, they are very young! He did use that as he was able to tell me about times during the day he had walked away from other children. No School would exclude a 4 year old for biting it would never stick- I’m a deputy head

Thanks for the replies! I’m praying for a better day today and will definitely try having the “walk away” chat for when he starts to feel those angry feelings! Really helpful - thank you so much!

There are things like the 5 point emotional scale you could look at with him which would help teach him to regulate his emotions

My youngest was a biter both at nursery (where it tailed off but never completely stopped) and in reception. He received an informal exclusion within his first month of school having bitten 6 other children over a period of about three weeks. It was absolute hell. I briefly considered withdrawing him from school & it took a couple of years before I didn’t have a knot in my stomach at pick up.

With DS3 we discovered at the end of reception that he had terrible eye sight. Three years later he was diagnosed with autism, on the Aspergers end of the scale.

Hopefully your DS is going through a phase, but maybe consider an eye test and see if you can have a chat with the senco. It really helps if the school feel you’re all working together. Good luck.

Oh, try the book ‘teeth are not for biting’ I can probably still recite that now.

Thank you all for your really helpful and supportive messages!! X

You’ve had lots of good ideas here. I would just add that whilst the school will hopefully be supportive you can’t expect all parents will be happy about this if their child gets bitten and may speak to the class teacher about it. So it may even be worth having a preprepared phrase you’ve practiced for any of them raise directly with you. Something like”oh I agree with you, biting is not acceptable. We are working with the school on getting him to manage his frustrations in other ways.”

Yes absolutely - I can completely appreciate other parents’ concerns and will respond sympathetically and hopefully reassuringly if anyone does want to have a word. It hasn’t happened before - although at nursery the kids may have been too young to name the child who bit them... (teachers aren’t allowed to disclose the name of the child who did it to the parent but I’m pretty sure the kid will say my DS’s name if they know it). So I am prepared and expecting some parents to be upset but really hoping it is so short-lived like before that it doesn’t get to that. Like I said I’ve been on the receiving end of it too but all parents are different I guess and want to protect their own child above all else. Some really good suggestions here so will try them all! Thank you again x