AIBU for wanting time off being a mum?

[PGTips83]

AIBU to want reciprocated time off?

I'm a breastfeeding mum to our four and a half month old daughter, so I get that I'm her primary carer right now. And sometimes all she wants is me, and my husband despairs at that. But I've been trying to carve out some "me" time to keep me sane, and while my husband is all for it in principle, in practice it feels like one big guilt trip.

In the first couple of months I managed two times away from my daughter (leaving expressed milk behind); one was a half hour massage up the road (booked by my OH) and one was a (dry!) haircut on my street. The first, I had a message as my massage finished saying to run home because she was crying and the second, my husband called during the cut to let me hear her cries and say they I needed to get home. And I literally ran home.

On holiday, I booked a massage because my neck was very painful from BF, and my husband said it was fine. I came back and indeed, she was screaming and it was horrible to see her distressed. Later over dinner, out of the blue, he showed me a video of our LO crying and in distress and said "this is what she's like when you're away." I was so upset to see her like that (although of course she screams with me too - but to have it filmed...?) and to have him feel the need/desire to show me that.

Tonight, we were invited to a dinner with friends, and he said he didn't want to go, but I could and he would look after LO. I put her to bed before I left and we agreed he would only call if there was an emergency. But there's milk at home for her, so I wasn't needed to be back for a certain time, so I saw this as my first night of freedom! (We've travelled a bit as our family live far from us, so my husband has had a few weeks in time by himself as a break, in comparison).

Tonight, he called me a few hours in to the dinner with our LO crying in the background, saying I needed to come home and asked why I hadn't replied to his messages. Of course I took a taxi straight away (rather than wait for the friends who were giving me a lift home). In the taxi I read his messages, which stemmed from a grand total of five minutes before, where he said LO had woken up but was fine. Then a few minutes later he messaged saying LO was crying, then he called. In my mind, that's not a long time... I expected that maybe she'd been crying for an hour or something!

I called him when I was in the taxi five minutes later to say I was on my way, and he messaged to say how dare I call, he'd just gotten her back to sleep and I risked waking her.

I have arrived home to a quiet house, with her asleep and him lying on the bed with her, awake.

It feels like a big slap in the face... I rushed home early from my friends, from my first night at a dinner, because my baby cried for five minutes and my husband didn't like it. I deal with that every day!!

Am I being totally unreasonable here? I've tried to explain to him that this behaviour means I'm tied to our LO and that it is important that I too have time off, so that I can be a great mum... But I feel like he's not looking out for me, and my happiness. And instead wants me to feel guilty.

What do you think?

Well, you have learnt a lesson here, I think. In future switch your phone off if you are on a night out!

Honestly it's hard to call.

Is it the actions of a controlling man who is pretending to let you loose knowing he can yank you back at a moments notice?

Or is it a still fairly new Dad who is struggling with Dadding and panics every time she cries.

Assuming he isn't an arse, it sounds like he panics every time she cries. Talk strategy. If she cries then check her nappy, offer her a feed, give her a cuddle etc. Only if she's due a feed and is bottle refusing can you call me because then all she wants is comfort and you can do that because you're a great Dad (and I'm doing it every other bloody hour of the week).
When he calls clarify how long she's been upset, what he has tried. Reiterate the plan of action and only go home if she's due a feed and is bottle refusing. If she is just being a baby, he needs to be a man and deal with it.

If you suspect it's part of his way of controlling you, you cneed to make bigger life chocies

He sounds like he needs more practice at being left alone with her to build up his confidence (unless as others said you think there's something more deliberate going on). I suggest doing something where you can't answer the phone - go swimming? And maybe during the day where he can take her out somewhere rather than hanging around at home? Both mine tended to be calmer out of the house.

You really need to harden your heart and leave him to deal with the crying as he did this last time. They will both get used to it and it will help them bond.
Turn your phone off, tell him you will be back at midnight and keep to that.
He’ll cope. Yanbu

Ps don't forget she'll be on solids very soon and then if she's refusing a bottle he can just give her a yoghurt or something instead, especially during the day, so you'll hopefully both be more confident that you being away isn't an issue.

He needs more practice. Reassure him that nobody knows how to look after a baby at first, they learn as they go along. Women aren’t naturally better care-givers, they just tend to have more opportunities to try different things until they find something that works. He is a parent and needs to step up. And you 100% deserve a break. Maybe boost his ego a bit by saying that clearly he can handle it as he sorted it without you on this occasion. And book something else for yourself quick!

Sounds like he needs more practice at looking after her on his own.

When I was EBF DS1, my mum and I would go to a shopping centre. My mum walked baby in the pram while I shopped by myself. When the baby needed feeding she'd call me, then we'd go our separate ways again.

If I had left DS1 with DH he'd probably just complain and tell me to come home.

I agree. unless there is a history of control in your relationship it sounds like he is just feeling a bit overwhelmed and helpless when baby cries and doesn't have confidence in himself yet.

my husband was a little the same although rather than calling me to come home he would feed baby expressed milk til he fell into a milk comma, go for a drive to send him to sleep or go round our friends so he didn't have to cope alone. he could handle baby being awake and crying. and when I was there he was always quick to pass baby back to me because 'he needs milk/me' which often wasn't the case.
I found trying to get baby to take a bottle of expressed milk from my dh often so that he got used to time together whilst I went for a bath helped a bit but other than that things did get better slowly with time as dh got more confident and baby became more engaging and established on solids.
it's tough though but sounds like your husband could do with a chat to help build confidence and a bit of tough Love too.

Does he know she cries with you too? It sounds like he gets in a panic and probably assumes you’ve got some kind of magic soothing abilities. Do you tell him when she won’t settle for you for an hour?

When my dh called me in a panic I’d reply yes, it’s hard no I don’t know the answer I just try rocking and pacing or taking her for a walk in the sling I’d reassure him then leave him to it.
Maybe next time she’s upset and you’re both home hand her to him to soothe. Do you always do it when you’re both around?

Yoirnhasuband needs to stop hiding behind your breastfeeding as a reason he can't manage to parent his own child.

You need to arrange half a day where you're doing something and do it. Let him cope. He can do it, he just needs to not panic call you after 5 mins.

I’m going to possibly go against the grain here. And I’m in no way saying you can’t have some time away, not at all, but your baby is still very young and dependent on you. Unfortunately when you’re exclusively breastfeeding this is part of the deal. It’s rrally, really hard. I don’t think I spent any longer than about 30 mins away from either of mine at that age.

It does get easier I promise, but for the next few months, unfortunately your independence will be limited.

By way of example, with my eldest, the first time I went out for dinner (i was gone for 1.5 hours) was the day before his first birthday).

This has gradually built up but I only left both of them for longer than a few hours (they are now 3.5 and 2) about 3 months ago.

I agree more with Lucky. Although you left milk for your baby, you took away her comfort and when you're EBF, nobody can replicate that kind of comfort IME until they're a bit older or if they've got a dummy.

I EBF my two and found it much easier to start leaving them for longer chunks from about 8mo. It is hard and there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting time away but you either need to tell your DH that he just has to suck up the crying for now or you need to adjust your expectations for leaving a BF baby. I was similar to Lucky in that if I was going to the hairdressers, my mum or DH would come into town and kept bringing the baby into feed. We then started going out for lunch rather than dinner because it was easier to leave them for a couple of hour with grandparents out walking them in the pram. I didn't attempt nights out until they were over 1.

My DH did this with DD2, but he's getting better now I ignore his calls for help and tell him to deal with it. Still hasn't looked after 2 kids on his own while I've been out so I think some men just feel out of their depth. I think he also took it personally when the baby cries but that's babies for you 🤷‍♀️ you need to tell him to sort it out also as pp have said turn off your phone. He's an adult. He might do well when he's thrown in the dee end. It's only because he knows you will come rescue him that he calls you

Your husband really needs to step up and learn how to deal with your daughter's crying. She's a baby, she cries to communicate. Hugs, milk, burps, kisses, playing with her will all be what she's looking for. I can understand that maybe your husband feels overwhelmed but that's all the more reason for you to leave him with her so he grows in confidence. She's his child too, and just like a pp has said, he needs to stop hiding behind you. Next time you are out you call him and say "I'll be home at 8/9/10" and that's when you'll be home.

SleepingStanding is absolutely right.

Is he emotionally manipulative in other ways OP?

Hard to tell if he's controlling or just a bit dim.

But to answer your actual question, of course you should be able to have a few hours to yourself by now, especially if your baby is fine to take a bottle.

Your partner needs to step up.

Unless it was an absolute emergency he should have dealt with the crying himself and just done his best to calm her. He might surprise himself and find after a bit of rocking and cuddling she settles down. He had some expressed milk so didn't need to worry about her being hungry (unless she wouldn't take it?) so she was probably just annoyed that she couldn't get to sleep and needed some help with this. He definitely shouldn't be recording vidoes of her crying to make you feel guilty!! The messages and phone calls are unnecessary too. It's only one evening and you'll get home eventually. You should be allowed to have a guilt free night out.

It sounds like he panics the instant she cries. Once he's been able to settle her himself, his confidence should grow and hopefully he will be more able to leave you to enjoy your night.

Thank you all, you are wonderful people! You've helped me see the other side of the coin, rather than take this as something against ME. We talked this morning about strategy for when I'm out in future, and you all really helped in keeping the conversation constructive. Thank you!

Glad we helped PGTips.

I'm in the same boat, except my son is nearly 3! OH sends me videos of him crying while I'm out and I've had to go home early quite a few times. The replies on here are v helpful as I have a wedding in a few weeks and will need to spend the night away.

Cran what does he hope to achieve from the videos? Is it like "what's wrong? help!" or "look, you're so awful leaving him?"

This is a hard one. It could be he's just a new dad and panicking. My dh would get super flustered when our lo cried and he thought the reason was always that he wanted me to feed him. He didn't feel very confident but got better over time. 4.5 months is still quite young so maybe your dh just hasn't got in the swing of things yet? I do think showing the crying video was uncalled for though. Every mama should enjoy some ’me’ time and in that instance it sounds like he was trying to put you off doing it again which is unfair.