at end of tether with 3.10, 6.11, and 5.10 dc..........help :(

[xxkiexx]

hi

My children are nearly 7, 6 and 4 and they are constantly doing something that makes me or dp's blood boil, and i dont understand why they do it!!!

ds is nearly 4 and likes to demand stuff constantly, like "me want drink"....tell him to wait and he screams "now" at me and other stuff like biscuits!! Today since after breakfast he has followed me round asking for a biscuit and even though i have said no wait till after dinner he has none of it!!!! Also if he and dd2 get together its like world war 3. They constantly fight, slapping each other really really hard leaving big red handprints on each other. Also biting each other all the time!!

Now dd2 who is nearly 5 has her moments. Although she likes to openly ignore me. If she is doing something for example playing in the sink and i tell her to stop she just stares at me and carries on....

This doesnt worry me too much but she goes to school and tells them that i beat her and kick her etc, Last time i was called into the headmasters office i couldnt control myself and ended up bursting into tears as she told me that dd told her i tell her i dont love her and dont want her

Now DD1 who is nearly 7 i dont have that much of a problem with constantly although she also has her moments. She was given some bubble gum not long back and without my knowledge took it to bed with her. I said she cant have it in bed as it will get sticky and tried to take it off her. Well she started pinching me and slapping me and allsorts which upset me quite a bit!! Also she makes these horrible screamy noises when she doesnt get her own way. Im sure the neighbours think we are torturing her!!!

Ontop of this they will not do anything at all for me. They leave stuff lying everywhere wont pick anything up. I can just about get them to put their cups in the sink!!!

Now with bb #4 on the way im scared how i will cope!

Im sorry to bore everyone with this novel but i need some advice as its reallllllllly getting me down maybe i need supernanny xxxx

or...............

maybe im just a moaner!!!

No I don't think you're a moaner. I'd be going mad with that too. Your children are ignoring you, punching you, telling lies about you.

Supernanny tactics definitely required. Unfortunately I don't know much about it (is there a book?) but hopefully someone here will know more. You need to make it clear you're in charge, because you are. You're their mother.

Good luck though. Sorry i can't suggest anything more constructive. You're definitely not a moaner though.

WOW xxkiexx no wonder your feeling a bit down - what does your DD2 say about why she says these things to the school? My DS1 once told his nursery that we'd pushed him down the stairs at home (when we hadn't) but thankfully they used their common sense and realised this was just a story which thankfully your school seem to have done to.

I think that if you are worried about their behaviour towards each other and you then maybe you could talk to a HV or even someone at the school they may be able to suggest ways to get them to play a little more nicely together

I also have 4 lo's (8, 5, 2.5 and 1) so i do know how hard it is sometimes to keep them all happy - but you will be fine they could be feeling anxious about the arrival of your new lo and that may be causing some issues for them which they don't understand

plus if your tired through being pg then they know exactly which buttons to press to get the attention!

I think you need to do more negotiating with them. Things like the bubblegum are a good example; yes it gets sticky but there is probably somewhere you could have agreed she could stick it for the night. Part of being a kid is having bubblegum stuck on your bedpost . I think you need to agree with the child what can be done rather than just telling them no and trying to grab stuff. "now, we don't want that sticking to the carpet or your bedding - where do you think is a good place to stick it?".

With your 4 yr old, I think you are setting yourself up for a nightmare if you say no to a biscuit from after breakfast right till lunchtime! Could he not have had one? If you don't want this particular fight, don't buy biscuits, don't have snacks in the house that you don't want him to have or that he can't have between meals. When he asks for a drink but he needs to wait, you can be really positive and instead of saying "no" you can say " of course you can have a drink, I'll just fold up this washing. What will you have, a straw or no straw" etc etc - just keeping him on-side till you're able to get it.

I think a HUGE amount can be gained by saying no less. It doesn't mean you give in more, just phrase it more positively.

This sort of positive approach can help in so many situations, if a child is doing something you don't like it helps because you're not just focussing on the behaviour you don't like; eg "don't play in the sink", you're saying instead "if you dry your hands now we can do your nails/plait your hair" (or whatever they usually like).

I think a child who is saying what she is about you at school is one who is showing they feel a lack of attention and love. I'm NOT saying you don't love your kids, of course you do, but she is clearly demonstrating I think that she needs a bit more evidence of it from you.

Do you get much help from your DP/DH? I do think you've got an awful lot on with 3 kids and one on the way; I think you may need help so that you can take each child for a bit of one on one time.

thanks for your feedback, i have actually tried the supernanny tactics, sitting on the stairs etc but they dont listen. Everyone says to me if that was my child i would smack their backside, which if im honest and they have really really wound me up i will do but it has no affect whatsoever and just hurts my hand

As for the school, they didnt believe her the first couple of times but now they are talking about bringing social services in

honoriaglossop....

That is absolutly superb advice!! I will definatly try that! Although sometimes its hard as I am trying to run the house the kids the pets the lot on my own. Dp doesnt help around the house and his discipline reigime is "go to bed" which i really dont like as its 4-5 times a day. You certainly have no quality of life if you are confined to your bedroom 3/4 of the day. So i try to take things into my own hands although i am fighting a losing battle! I'm still willing to give anything a try!!

p.s. I know im letting dp walk all over me too but that really is a whole different ball game......

xx. I'm glad it helped. I so feel for you, three kids is one HELL of a lot when they are running rings round you.

I just think that kids basically want your love and attention, and they respond so fantastically to positive attention; they deeply WANT to be your friend.

I also think personally that even if kids are being naughty it's possible to not punish (like the sending to bed thing) nearly all the time. Far, far better to distract them onto something that they can do that isn't naughty.

I think it's obvious from your post that your DP doesn't really have this approach so I think (unfortunately) it will be up to you to show him how it's done.

I don't have the number but you could google Parentline Plus, apparently they have advisers to talk through any aspect of parenting. They also run courses on positive parenting etc (if you have time!)

Do you have anyone from Sure Start to help you?

Since the school are involved, maybe you could make them help you - ask them to get the Education Welfare Officer to give you details of local organisations that can help.

oh dear xxkiexx it does sound like you need a bit of a boost i think HG's advice is fab i do this myself and it does really work you just have to be very clam and patient whilst doing it and not to expect it to work right away but persistance is the key to most things

I think that you should talk to your DP and say to him that you think things need to change and explain what method you would like to try and say that he needs to back you up in all areas and not give conficting messages to the lo's - i agree going to bed is not the answer at all - as long as you both do the same thing they will get the message quicker and it will be easier for you in the long term

Wow its strange, just reading your kind messages has given me confidence! When I wrote original post I was very very stressed out!

I will be trying your methods with immediate affect and see whether or not my little "angels" respond!!

thankyou thankyou thankyou

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

xx, don't expect instant results. If they come, great; but stick with it. the kids may resist a new approach but don't waver. Stick with it.

And get some help! It's not possible to be supermum to 3 kids without help!

x

the good thing about mn is that there is always someone who can help or if they can't help at least they will be kind

i hope it goes well keep us updated and good luck

Bless you lovely ladies xxx

I have other posts i need help with also if you fancy a butchers, thanks again xxxxxx

if it makes you makes you feel any better xxkiexx i've just caught ds2 feeding ds3 green playdoh so will now have to clean up green poo tomorrow take care xx

lmao oh dear hahahahaha xxx

I have always got round the biscuit demands by not buying them. On the rare occasions that there are any biscuits at all in our house they are all gone before you can say "mummy took the last one!"

Don't buy any snacks you don't want them to eat. If you're happy for your dc to eat rice cakes in between meals, buy them; have fruit in the bowl for all family members to help themselves.

Once your 4 yo realises there aren't any biscuits in the house, he will give up asking.

Everyone has trouble like that.
We don't buy things I don't want them to eat. Biscuits and sweets are never on the shopping list.

But I think it's a more general issue of how to handle and manage your children. First of all they aern't robots. If they did what you said then they would have psychological problems and not be normal children. Be glad they're normal. Second you just have to try to keep plugging away with enforcing things that matter and don't sweat the small stuff. Sometimes it's not worth an argument over some things. You need to try to defuse things, avoid battles of wills - they're completely pointless.

Never smack them. If you feel cross leave the room. Try not to shout. They generally mirror your mood. Laughing can throw them off balance. Most of the stuff we argue with children over doesn't really matter.

make sure you say 5 positive things to each one of them for every good one. Reward good behaviour, ignore bad. And just cuddle them a lot. I bet they'll be fine.