Daughter told friends her dad has cancer

[fizzpoptop]

I don't know what to do.

She had her phone confiscated for throwing stuff at me earlier, and as part of the agreement of her having snapchat, I had a quick scroll through.

So as not to drip feed, we're having huge issues with her. She's aggressive and is violent and says hateful things to me but is completely different around other people. Her school, the GP, and CAMHS are all involved, she's seen a child psychologist and we're waiting on feedback from that. This morning she's thrown a spiral notebook at me that cut my head, has kicked, hit and slapped me, and thrown a lamp at my back, which now has a massive lump on it.

So, whilst looking at her phone, I came across a message that says her dad has cancer and not to tell anyone.

She has form for lying, but nothing on this scale. She's denied it and another meltdown has ensued.

I've tried everything with her, joined parenting groups and forums and natural consequences and love bombing and ignoring bad behaviour and praising good behaviour, and nothing. Works. Nothing.

I don't hit her, I don't treat her badly. I'm kind and loving and every day we start afresh and every day something like this happens. I don't know what else to do, and this huge lie is just another in a long line of stuff.

Her dad lives in another country and she made the decision not to be in contact with him two years ago. She's not interested and I don't think this is about him, but more about her manipulating a different set of friends - all friendships seem to go a bit off because of this lying.

Please help.

Hopeful bump

How old is she?

She's 12 @coragreta

It's hard. She's still pretty young. How do you deal with her behaviour when she hits you? I think the violence is the worrying part. The lying sounds like attention seeking.

Hope someone more knowledgeable can help.

@coragreta I have had to pin her down before when she's been violent - I'm 5"2 and 8.5 stone - she's literally unstoppable when she gets going. It's hard leaving the room because she goes for me and when I leave she'll throw whatever she can to hurt me.
I honestly don't know what to do. It's like being in an abusive relationship you can't leave and no one believes you.

Nothing useful to suggest...

The only thing would be, if she's well behaved with others can she go stay somewhere for a couple of days to give you a break?

@MrsMozart she currently stays with my parents a few days a week for a bit of a break. The issue is, she's perfectly behaved around them.
My mum thinks it's my parenting - she seems to delight in talking about how I've brought her up has done this and she's in denial about how bad things are. I'm stuck because I need my parents support with her but they think she's perfect and can do no wrong.
I've contacted her school again and the social services team.
This is my life now. I have an abusive child who revels in telling me she hates me and wishes I were dead, and I have no support.
Sorry. I'm just so tired of it all. This was never how I wanted to parent.

You need to grey stone your parents. Just take what you need from them, i.e. the break.

I wish I had useful words on how to manage daughter when at home.

Contact children's services too, and a community police officer to come and talk to her about the law regarding domestic violence. I've just had to do the same thing as we're having problems with ds1 and his aggression. He has add and aspergers. Does your dd have any underlying issues, like adhd?
If she physically assaults you you will have to ring the police. This will get her help and a reality check that this behaviour is unacceptable and breaking the law. Better to do it now than when she is older and larger.
Some dcs just need extra help to manage their anger. I googled anger rules and calm down ideas. It's a good idea to put rules in place and logical consequences for breaking them.
It's very easy to blame. I blamed myself initially, but it's not really about that. I realise writing to you, that it's about a child that is struggling with their emotions. Point out to her that her way of dealing with anger isn't working that well. Also that anger is a healthy emotion that gets stuff done, like the civil rights movement, but aggression is the unwanted behaviour.
You're not the only one going through this.

Have the talk in the tiny moments of calm, although ds1 had to go for time out to calm down as talking about it made him angry!🤦🏻‍♀️

Thank you all for replying. It feels so lonely at times.

With regards to her anger, she fizzes up so quickly over nothing, then she can't control it. She started scratching herself but it was more about upsetting me than a release for her.

I've told her I'll ring the police, but it is mortifying that we're even going through this. I feel like such a failure.

She's seen a child psychologist and we're waiting on feedback. ADHD was mentioned along with ASD but we're waiting for a report on whether they'll assess her for it or not. It all seems to take forever - but I've been pushing for this for years.

I'm sorry you're all going through this too - it's the hardest thing ever. If I had an abusive partner I'd be believed, but since it's my child, it's got to be my fault.

The fact that can control it at your parents house shows that her violence and aggression is under her control, she's choosing not to. This is important to tell her psychiatrist.

You're not alone. We're having to get this kind of help. Push for a diagnosis.
It's not a reflection of your parenting. We have children who need more help. Although if you asked me last week... I'm on Facebook groups (for parents of add/asd,) I'm on have lots of parents like us.
Also the reason she acts like this around you is because she can show you her worst face and you will still love her. It doesn't feel like a compliment though!!