Does everyone find it this hard or is it just me?

[MeadowHay]

My baby is 12 weeks old and I've posted loads of times before about it, I have just been struggling loads since say done. The first 7 weeks or so were definitely worse than now. But I am still finding it all so hard and exhausting and I don't feel like I'm really interacting with her as much as I should be and I'm worried it will impact on her development. I feel awful sticking her in front of the telly but she loves it and otherwise I can't get anything done but not only that but often if she's fussy and crying it's the only thing that will make her happy. I try showing her toys and stuff and occasionally that works for like 10-15 mins but then she just gets bored or whatever whereas she loves to watch tv . DH has gently suggested I take her out more - I have an anxiety disorder which is really life-restricting and I don't manage to get out much, and I find the whole process of getting out her out the front door really stressful in itself, but tbh in the pram she mostly just sleeps anyway so it's not like she's getting to see the world or anything, is it? Apart from her having her bottles, and she doesn't usually look at me whilst she's drinking, she seems to spend most of her awake time either watching tv or sucking on her dummy, both of which I feel awful about but it's that or she just cries and cries like when she was smaller. We had a lot of help and support the first 6 weeks or so from family which was great, but now people obviously expect that I should be more in the swing of things which I get - DM keeps making comments about the state of our house, which tbh isn't even that bad really she just has particularly high standards - but I am still struggling. I cry so many times every day and I don't think it's PND because I'm only like that when I'm on my own with her - I'm ok if DH is with me or if I go out on my own.

Ugh I don't even know what I want from this long post. Reassurance? Tips on things I can do with her in the daytime? Thanks if you had the time and kindness to read this.

I used to push the pram to the coffee shop and have a cuppa while the baby people-watched. We also co-slept and usually went to bed for a couple of hours in the afternoon because baby would only nap if I lay beside him. Other things we did were reading books together, dancing to music, singing nursery rhymes and playing with random things like pop bottles and rolling pins. He also had a light and sound mat which he loved.

Forget about the housework. It doesn’t matter if the house is a mess for a few months. I told my DH many times, the house won’t fall down but your wife will. It does get better - by six months baby will be rolling around and able to play independently.

I find it helps to think of the baby as a tiny little jailer. But only for a short time.

once their personality starts emerging, and you start interacting and building up a relationship it all becomes so much better. This kicks in at about 5 months

In the mean time, it can be like being in prison with such a little one.

talk to her all the time. She might not look ike she is reacting, but she will be taking it all in. learning your voice, nd the tone of voice, etc.

give her a running commentry of everything you do. repeat a lot.

also, this is what nursery rhymmes are for!

I would just put the baby in a sling and go for a walk.... When they had better head control, I would put them in a sling on my back so I wouldn't have to look at them while they were crying and then go on a walk. I'd bring a small mirror so I could check on them over my shoulder. While walking, they would either calm down or sleep. After either of those things, I'd head straight to a cafe for tea...

8th DH goes for walks with her in the Baby Bjorn if we can't get her to stop crying but I have poor motor skills cos of being autistic and I don't feel confident to get her in and out of it safely myself. He has tried to teach me a few times and I'm happy to walk about with her in it but not to put her in and out, I know that's probably hard to understand for most people cos it seems so simple I guess. Sometimes I take her for a walk in the pram if she's crying and she does eventually calm down and take the dummy and go to sleep but then I feel really anxious and self-conscious walking with her screaming blue murder - she really properly screams for ages sometimes, and I find it hard to deal with and cry myself which is really embarrassing if I'm out . I have hypersensitive hearing and the noise is awful for me and I get so stressed seeing her little red face screaming and tears rolling down it and stuff. I thought I would be used to it by now but I'm still not and I don't know how to grow a thicker skin.

I realise I probably sound so stupid and soft but I can't help it and I don't feel like anyone around me other than DH would be sympathetic if I told them the above they would just tell me to get on with it and stop being silly. I feel so useless.

DH is great btw the housework pressure is mostly from my parents but tbh it was the way I was brought up too and I hate mess and stuff so it makes me feel more stressed as well even though I still prioritise getting myself fed, washed, and sleeping over the housework like. I don't want to wish her life away but I don't enjoy like 90% of being a parent at the moment.

Stories, sit and read stories together. It will get easier. Build a mini routine and try to make you're both getting fresh air. Point at things and make a fuss of her when she does make eye contact. I felt like mine "woke up" at around 3 months and it was a relief to start to get to know who they were! Hang on in there and don't neglect your own social life too. X

Honestly you are not stupid or soft. You gave birth to a baby that is an amazing thing to do. It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself and the frequent crying does sound like something you should discuss with your GP. Maybe you don't have pnd but I think GP should decide.

My baby is now 7 months and I was thinking today how hard it was for the first 4 months. Getting out the house is easier and she happily plays with toys with me or alone for 20 min now. Do you have a bouncer chair? I used to put mine in that whilst e.g. washing up / dealing with laundry etc and talk to her about it. Also putting her on activity mat on the floor. (So don't have her in a chair all day).

But don't worry too much about housework. Can you just do little bits during the day and the rest when DH is home?

Oh also people kept asking me in the beginning if I was enjoying motherhood... I wanted to answer no, because I was struggling. But persons asking the question wouldn't understand. I hate loaded questions like that.

So you aren't alone in not enjoying it. I hope things get easier for you but please do speak to your GP.

I definitely get where you're coming from with the self consciousness of the scream crying. My LO does the same. I try not to give a shit but it really embarasses me as I get paranoid people will think he's some kind of abused/neglected child. I can only imagine how it must feel with hypersensitive hearing. I actually drive my baby to the park just so I can quickly get him in the car and my neighbours dont hear too much if he does cry. I go to a really quiet park in the weekday so it's actually quite empty and calming.

I know it must be even tougher having a new born with your autism but, from what I'm learning (I'm a first time mum) this is just a really challenging period you just have to struggle through. With my DH at work all day, it does feel a bit prison like and I actually hate the effort of going out, but I make sure I do at least once a week. I think getting him out really helps his development and his temperemant. The more you keep babies cooped up in the house, the more they have challenging behaviour. Tiring them out is key!

Do you have any quieter parks or Greenland? Even if they are a bit further, it might be worth the extra walk so you're somewhere more low key and less stressful.

It might help to put earbuds in and listen to music or an audio book when you're out (or in!) with your LO. Will take the edge off the piercing screams but you can still interact. Might be good given your sensitivity?